Unlimited Jokes and Funny Moments:

SMARTNESS [Read it]


One professor met a FULANI man in their community and asked him for a debate.
The professor said to Fulani man: I would have ask you a question, if you you fail, you can give me #5000 cash but if you answer it right, I can give you #20,000 cash. They both agreed for the DEBATE.
The pro. Asked what is the distance between Earth and Heaven ? Fulani man paid the money because he don't know.
Now it is Fulani man's turn,
Which animal has 4legs when it is lying, has 3legs when it getting up and when it stand up the legs become 2 but when it is going, it uses one Leg ?
The pro. Paid #20,000 because he don't know.
Then, the fulani decided to leave, and pro. Asked for the answer of his question. The Fulani man placed #5,000 to pro. Because he too he don't know the answer of his question.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-11-12 08:46:36

437 Views




An old woman boarded a bus to Lagos from
Calabar and told the driver: "Driver, when we reach
Benin tell me o!"
The driver nodded and then she shouted again:
"My children, una hear wetin I tell am?" Everybody
responded: ''Yes, mama!"
On the long journey to Lagos, everybody slept off
and forgot about Mama's request.
After several hours of driving and then close to
Lagos from Benin about 4hours behind, the old woman asked:
"Driver, you never reach Benin since?"
"Ooooh!" the driver exclaimed, "Mama, Benin is
like 4 hours behind us".
"Ah!", the woman shouted and started crying, "take
me back to Benin, abeg I no wan wahala o!"
Considering the age of the woman, the
passengers agreed that the driver should turn back
to Benin.
On getting to Benin, the driver came down, opened
the door and told the woman she was in Benin.
The woman simply opened her hand bag, brought
out 2 tablets of Panadol and swallowed them with
water.
She then smiled and said:
"Thank you, my son. Na my daughter say when I
reach Benin make I drink 2 tablets of Panadol. I
don take am now.
Oya make we dey go Lagos..


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-12-23 18:34:13

343 Views



Sunday school [Read it]


Son-dad,our result is out and i have checked my own
Dad-that's nice,i hope you tried more than the other time
Son-no sir,they have fail me again because i got 7f and 2d
Dad-laughing
Son-what are you lauhging about?
Dad-i'm laughing just because i have already know you are going to fail,and you know what?
Son-what is it?
Dad-i have get a new school for you and there is no need of admission examination before you get admitted
Son-waoh,thank u sir that's why you are the best daddy,but sir,what is the name of the school?
Dad-dont worry yourself,i will tell u when the time comes
Son-(feeling excited)pls i want to know the name,so that i will introduce it to some of my mate that are also fail
Dad-i hope u are not going to change your mind when you hear the name?
Son-never,because i know it will be best school for me now
Dad-okay,the name is sunday school
Son-haahah!!!


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-02-14 18:27:55

285 Views




On a crowded bus, Banta noticed that Santa had his eyes closed. “What’s the matter? Are you sick?” he asked.
“No, I’m okay. It’s just that I hate to see old ladies standing”, replied Santa.Related

Akpos enter one bar,and called d barman.'gv me 1 bottle of smal stout n gv everybody 2 bottles of big stout bcs when drink stout everybody drinks stout'.d barman did as he ordered and everybody hails him.after sumtym he called d barman.'gv me 1 bottle of smal stout n gv everybody 2 bottles of big stout bcs when drink stout everybody drinks stout'.d barman did as he ordered and everybody hails him.after sumtym he called d barman.'gv me one plate of pepper soup and gv every body 2 plates of pepper soup bcs when i eat everybody eats'.d barman did as he ordered and everybody hails him.after sumtym he called d barman.'gv me my bill and gv everybody their bill bcs when i pay my bill everybody pays their bill'.akpos is stil lying unconscious at one big hospital.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-06-08 19:16:14

978 Views




Eunice got back to her room, closed up the door and began to
cry, she would check her skin over and over again every minutes hoping to see leprosy on her spotless skin, she switched off her phone and neither paul nor valentine was able to reach her, after hours of crying, she thought of it that it would be better for her to go to paul and
confess her sins maybe paul would be able to pray to God on
her behalf.
The next day in school, Eunice was sad and scared of relating her sins to paul. Paul also was wondering what could have went wrong with eunice
because the sad look was obvious on her face. After closing
for the day, Eunice followed paul to his apartment. On getting
inside, eunice began to cry, paul was worried about what could have happened. He pulled eunice closer and said “whatever it is, please stop crying and tell me about it please. Eunice minimised
her crying after several pleas and
cuddling. She took the boldness to start a conversation. “Paul, you see, ehhhhmm, I don’t know how to say it, ehhhhm” eunice was stammering. “Pls just say it in any way you can please” paul
whispered silently.
” Ehm paul. I know it is not morally and religiously right to
say this, you know, we are humans, though I am religious
but not up to your level, you know………..” Eunice was beating
around the bush.
“Eunice, please just hit the nail at the head”
Paul said.
” Ehm paul, atimes, I used to have this feelings of kissing you, holding you tight, feeling your heartbeat, laying my head on your chest but………………………….”
Eunice began to cry again. Paul pulled her closer, wiped her tears and looked into her eyes. “Eunice my love, don’t speak further, I knew what you wanted to say, I
just don’t want to jump at it.
“Really , eunice was nervous, thinking that holy spirit had
revealed to paul about her lovemaking with val…….”, paul replied ” yes dear, I understand
how you feel, I felt your pain. The truth is that the pain is mutual, I’m not also comfortable here.
Doing all these things you said isn’t a problem to me. But my main problem is that it would give me intimate arousal and
urges which will make us thirsty to have s-x. And you still
remembered the vow?”. Eunice nodded.
“So eunice, I just felt it would be better not to perceive the aroma
of the food we can’t eat. I told God to strike us with leprosy and epilepsy any moment we have
intimate intercourse, and I’m not ready to face God’s wrath”.
Eunice’s heart beats faster on hearing about the vows again,
she became restless and asked “you mean when YOU and I
having s-x?” Paul replied “Yes”.
She asked again, you mean “YOU and I?”, paul replied again “YES, is there any problem”?. “NO” said
eunice.
She hugged paul and felt relieved inside of her with the thoughts
that since it wasn’t between paul and her, she was save. Paul also cuddled her and promised to be
romantic in a moderate way that
won’t raise any intimate urge.
Eunice returned home with relieve in her heart. She switched
on her phone and saw 15 apology texts from valentine. 3 days later, she forgave val and
they resumed their intimate friendship, val was surprised that
eunice no longer resist him again
whenever its time to make love
…………GOOD MORNING AND HAPPY NEW WEEK.....TBC

>>

Seven cats [Read it]


Teacher: If I give you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2 cats, how many cats will you have?Akpos: Seven, Sir.Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2 cats, how many will you have?Akpos: Seven.Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.If I give you 2apples, and another 2 apples and another 2 apples, how many will youhave?Akpos: Six.Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2cats and another 2 cats, how many cats will you have?Akpos: Seven!!!Teacher (angry): Where did you get your seven from?Akpos: Because I already have 1 cat at Home!

Copy and WIN :

“Jesus!” The woman screamed and my madam
froze with shock.
My madam wasn’t facing the door so she hadn’t
seen the woman enter and therefore didn’t know
that the woman had seen her flogging me with a
long piece of wire so she was shocked by
the sudden and unfamiliar voice.
“I’m gonna report this to the Human Rights
Commission!” The woman barked with foreign
accent and stormed out of the house.
My madam stood rooted to the spot for some
minutes visibly shaken.
She didn’t know whether to go after the white
woman that just stormed out of the house or to
continue flogging me from where she stopped.
She stood still totally confused.
I stood still do not wanting to infuriate her with
any sudden or unplanned movement.
She turned abruptly and walked into her room.
Around 3pm in the afternoon, the white woman
returned with some police officers to arrest my
madam.
My madam called me and asked me to look after
the house that she was going to be back in a
jiffy.
The woman examined my hands and legs and
noted the scars all over.
Then she left with my madam and the police…
*************************************
My madam came back later in the night with her
husband.
I guess her husband must have bailed her that
evening from police custody.
That night, I overheard her husband talking to her
about the way she treated me.
He advised her to take things easy with me and
stop attracting public eyes into his family.
My madam kept silent and uttered no word.
She reduced her aggression towards me and took
things easy with me.
But then her change of attitude was not to last
very long and the next day soon marked her
return to aggression and brutality…
WatchOut for Episode 11
Drop your comments below








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It took a few moments for the reality to hit me that Grey was kissing me. My brother's best friend and the boy I'd had a crush on for as long as I could remember was kissing me. His lips moved against mine as his hands held my face gently in place. I gripped his shirt in my hands as his continued his kiss.

All logical thought vanished and all I could concentrate on was the tingle of my lips against his. My heartbeat began to speed up and I could hear it echo in my ears. His lips eased away from mine and as his arctic blue eyes held mine I was so entranced that I held my breath still struggling to believe what was happening.

His hands dropped to my hips and pulled me closer. Our bodies flush against each other and I had to remember to breathe. This time when his mouth covered mine the kiss was harder and I felt the sweep of his tongue against my bottom lip. I opened my mouth and his tongue pushed forward into my mouth to caress my tongue.

I groaned against his lips. Nothing I'd ever imagined came close to the real life kiss I was experiencing. My stomach had a buzzing feeling that vibrated right through me and I gripped his shirt to keep from falling into a pile of goo at his feet. His one hand reached for the back of my head as his head tilted to the side and angled for a deeper kiss. I followed his lead. There was no doubt about it, he knew how to kiss.

One moment we were kissing and the next he was gone. I struggled to stay standing on my feet as I tried to figure out why he'd stopped kissing me.

I was dazed and confused as I looked to him. He was standing a couple of feet away from me. His breathing was erratic so I knew the kiss had affected him as much as it had me. I'd expected a lot of things to happen if we ever kissed and none of the scenarios I'd dreamed about were the same as the reality I was experiencing now.

I hadn't kissed a lot of guys and I couldn't help feeling that maybe I'd done something wrong.

"I'm sorry," he said holding his hands up as he took another step away from me and I was left trying to figure out what had made him stop kissing me.

He ran a hand through his hair as he dropped his gaze to the floor and when he looked back to me his emotions were masked.

My hand raised and touched my tender lips, which was a reminder of the kiss we'd just shared.

"It shouldn't have happened," he stated before he retreated to the door and reached for the door handle. He looked back to me once more giving me a look I couldn't decipher before he left.

My heart plummeted in my chest and I felt a real physical pain. Alone and confused I sunk down onto the bed and let my head fall into my hands.

An array of emotions hit me at the same time. I felt stupid and vulnerable. Tears of frustration seeped from my eyes. The continuous push and pull. Nearly kissing me, then acting like a jealous boyfriend and now this. I brushed my unwanted tears away with the determination.

He'd kissed me and then said he shouldn't have. He hadn't been drunk so he couldn't use the excuse that he'd been intoxicated. So why had he kissed me?

There was a small part of me that wanted to believe that he cared but his actions just didn't add up to that. Then I felt the anger. I was angry with him and with myself. I hadn't even questioned it the moment his lips had touched mine I'd just gone along with it not questioning why.

I shoved my hair out of my face. That was it. I wasn't going to let him keep doing this to me, it wasn't right and I deserved better.

After a few minutes I got myself together enough to venture downstairs to the party. It took all the courage I could muster to walk down the stairs knowing that I'd have to face him again.


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Nonsegzy De Magnificenti
DIVORCE=>WRITE UP BY DINDY
Please do not share without talking to me personally and asking for permission,thank you for reading this write up...
Divorce a strange word to me(because it has not happened to me).
A word that was not meant to be(when you ask God for guardian things like this won't happen because he will always stand for your family and help you choose the right person).
A word that is not a good name for a family.
A word that pulls a kid's childhood asunder (the separation of parent could affect the kid or kids in so many ways).
A word we should pray not to come our way(if the devil set your home on fire, believe me divorce will surely find it's creepy way in).
A word that makes you put blame on things(you begin to hate depending on the person and situation;men,women,family and love.....etc).
Divorce is more like breaking a life bond than a separation, let me add to that by saying, it is a force of division amongst two married people who once saw love shining in each others eyes.
It is a heartbreaking thing when someone you love so much tells you.
"I want a divorce".
Those words cut through the throat,lungs,heart and stomach; like a chainsaw dividing your internal system.
But I don't know why some people blame and lay curses on their partner seeking for divorce.
Let's face the facts here; you are the one to be blamed,if you were more prayerful or more cautious and more attentive towards what was really doing on around you it won't happen and if you did the proper thing by making God the head of your marriage it won't happen,but seriously you are not to blame anything or the type of person you married.
Believe me it is not really necessary you get married on time because marriage is a life time thing not a per-time thing.
If you don't seek God before you get married you might actually end up blaming and cursing your partner which won't work.
Marriage is all about the love and trust without no lies and secrets.
One of the things that causes divorce is lies and secret,those things are home breakers.
People don't fully understand the meaning of marriage, that is why the word Divorce always comes into their homes.
-When you know the person you married can't do without having another woman/man out side,why did you go ahead and marry the person?.
-When you know the person you married loves money,why did you make that mistake of marrying the person?.
-When you know the person you married is a liar,why did you go ahead to marry such person?.
Those are the type of mistakes that always break homes and futures.
-In marriage money should never be a reason for you to marry because a rich man/woman today could be a poor man/woman tomorrow.
-The endowment of a person should not be the reason for you to marry the person because as the person gets pregnant, things change and as the person gets older the whole body begins to fold and fade.
-The way a man/lady speaks should never be the reason for you to marry him/her because with time the voice tone will change or the person could be faking it.
When you marry by what you see things always end up badly and divorce is certainly a sure outcome.
In most cases people are forced into marriage by family,those are the people I have pity for.
If they are lucky they could end up with a good person but if not then I'm truly feel sorry.
Some people are the curse of their own problem in marriage.
-When a lady has the inability to keep her man;for example,
-A lady who can't cook or take good care of the house or baby or children or husband.
-A lady who always ask and ask or spent too much money on jewelleries.
-A lady/man that lacks respect for her/his man/woman.
-A lady/man who cares only for herself/himself.
-A lady/man that has too much pride.
Divorce in most cases happens when your love dies down for your partner,and it is mostly caused when you realise that what you saw before is not what you are seeing again.
When you marry a man/lady it doesn't stop you from changing the way you guys were when you were just bf and gf(please don't get me wrong, what I meant by that was you shouldn't stop having fun together,I didn't mean you should continue your old bad ways).
Most people will say.
"now that I am married I won't do what I do before".
And that is where the mistake start from,because if your man/lady liked the way you were and you changed after your marriage then things won't work out for you guys.
Sometimes its good you change, that is if your partner accepts it or tells you to.
Sometimes bad advice tends to break a home,its always better you keep away bad friends and people with a divorce history, or people who are not yet married, or even people that are married away from your marriage, because some of them will only feed you up with non sense and at the end you will regret why you ever took their advice.
The right one to ask for help in your marriage is GOD(prays) and no other.
There is another thing that makes marriage sink,its called "IMPATIENCE".
-A lady/man should always remain patient with who she/he marries, no matter the situation,you never can tell when things will change forever.
Marriage is more than a ring or love or trust or beauty,marriage is a union between two gods(remember we are gods on earth).
God,things,environment and situations are some of the things that build up a marriage from a valley to a mountain(valley stands for the division between partners but mountain means they are no more partners but are now fully become one great foundation).
-Divorce is more of a restrain not an achievement.
-It is more of a failure than a good result.
-It is more of people of the world than of people with the heart of GOD.
-Man/woman should learn to know who or what they are about to marry before involving themselves into a pit of endless fall of pain,heartbreak tears,sorrow and frustration.
Learn to pray and listen to things around you before you get married to someone who will push you to a place of metal and emotional instability.
"IF GOD DOESN'T KEEP YOUR HOME TOGETHER, NOT EVEN THE GREAT VOODOO WILL HELP YOU KEEP IT TOGETHER FOREVER".
"PEACE OUT,DINDY SAID THIS"
MY NAME IS NNAMDI AKA DINDY AND I WROTE THIS WRITE UP.LEARN FROM WHAT YOU READ NOT THE OTHER WAY ROUND.THANKS FOR READING...WRITE UP BY DINDY AKA NNAMDI.........whatsapp number:07087750
433.... email@:OSSYNNAMDI @gmail.com or OSSYNNAMDI @outlook.com facebook name:Ossy Andy Nnamdi.......Skype: 07087750433 or OSSYNNAMDI @ outlook.com.........[email protected].....[email protected]







NAIRAJOKES.COM




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TEACHER: why didn't u study?
AKPORS : A year ve 365 days for u to study. After taking away 52 Sundays, there re only 313 days left.
There re 50 days in the summer that way too hot to work so there re only 263 days left. We sleep 8 hours a day that counts up to 122 days so nw we re left wth 141 days. If we fooled around for only one hour a day, 15 days re gone. We re left wth 126 days. We spend 2 hours eating each days, 30 days re used in a year, we re left wth 96 days. We spend 1 hour speaking to family nd friends, that take away 15 days nd nw we re left wth 81 days. Exams nd texts take 35 days in ur year; hence we re left wth 46 days. Taking off approximately 40 days of holidays we re left wth only 6 days. U re sick for a minimum of 3 days u re left wth 3 days. U go out for 2 days nd nw u re left wth only one day. But that day is ur birthday. That is why I didn't study. One word for AKPORS.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-03-24 18:02:34

431 Views




Discussion between Akpos and his tight friend Okon in the office.

Okon: Akpos my guy, have you heard?
Akpos: heard what? Please gist me.
Okon: hmmm I can't believe what I just heard o o!!
Akpos: bros yarn me.
Okon: that our Director gave James the common driver 2 million naira in compensation for the los of his mother.
Akpos: Jesussss!!! 2 million naira!!!!
Okon: yes o o
Akpos: Thank God my sick mother will soon die.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-08-03 20:48:10

2862 Views



Funny jokes [Read it]



Its always the fineguy who walks up to
you,looks at you with charming
eyes,then whispers to your ear "my
friend likes you while he points at a
monkey with a bigforehead like rabbit



NAIRAJOKES.COM







2017-01-11 11:56:11

503 Views




akpos nd his girlfriend was making out one evening, suddenly d girl said.....
Girlfriend:baby!
Akpos:yes love!
Girlfriend:uhmm...there is something i wud like to tell u.
Akpos:yes am all covered wit ears!
Girlfriendk!bt first i wud lik to show u something.
Akposakpos tinkin negative n couldn't wait to see dat )yes yes!!show me.
Girlfriend:bt before i show u,first i wud lik to knw something.
Akpos:err!
Girlfriend:yes,bt before i knw something,first i wud lik u to tell me something.
(akpos starin at her wit confusion).bt before u tell me,first i want to give u something.(akpos nw burnin wit anger).bt before i give u something huhmm,FIRST OF ALL.....
Akposakpos who couldn't take it any longer..screamed)GO DOWN LOW!!!.
lol!!one word for akpos..



NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-06-13 10:07:29

596 Views




BOY: Do you have a boyfriend?
GIRL: Nope. I don't want to have a boyfriend.
BOY: Genesis 2:18, The Lord God said, ??It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.??
GIRL: But I don't love you.
BOY: 1 John 4:8 "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love."
GIRL: But how can I be sure that you're loyal and honest?
BOY: Mark 13:31 "Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away."
GIRL: But I'm busy, I'm still studying.
BOY: Ecclesiastes 3:1 "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens."
GIRL: But why me? There are a lot of girls out there.
BOY: Proverbs 31:29 "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."
GIRL: But what's in me that you like?
BOY: Songs of Solomon 4:7 "You are altogether beautiful, my darling there is no flaw in you."
GIRL: But I'm not beautiful.
BOY: Proverbs 31:30 "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."
GIRL: What happens if I say yes. 
BOY: Genesis 2:24 "Therefore man shall leave his father and his mother and they shall become one flesh."
GIRL: But I don't believe in Love.
BOY: Luke 1:45 "Blessed is she that believeth for there shall be performance of those things which were told by the Lord."


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-03-27 21:12:47

184 Views




CAMPUS BABE
Episode 6

Exams were fast approaching and
I had a
lot to catch ups to do because of my
silly
mistakes…I became a regular
visitor to
the library,I didn’t want to take
any
chances at failure,I knew my
parents
would be so angry if I failed. With
a wall constructed in my heart and
my focus strictly on my
academics,I
became a shadow of myself,no
friends,no
hanging out,no form of
socialisation,I
became like a triangular student-
me,my
school,and church and occasionaly
the market(forget o,man must
whack
heartbreak or not).I was able to
cover up
my academic lapses(I think it was
divine
intervention) and even had one
wEek
extra to just relax my brain.I had
become
an anti-male,I didn’t want to see
any guy close to me,this was a
little bit difficult
(dnt mean to brag but,I’m not
exactly the
kind of girl that most guys would
see and
pass by) I had this innocent
looking
babyface,that made a lot of guys
think
they could easily take advantage
of me… hmmn,those guys got it
really tough from
me,I became rude and unfriendly
to all
guys,I even became scared at a
point of
how I had become just because of
one
heart break.
The semester exams were soon
over,and
it was time for holidays. I was just
chilling
at the pool one sunday afternoon
when I
heard a husky voice from behind.
Prisi!…
prisi dear how have you been?
Femi asked in a seemingly
concerned manner.
i hissed and said,I’ve been just the
way
you left me to be,and i don’t think
that is
your concern in anyway
i got up from where i was sitting
and
walked away. prisi!please hold
on,okay…i was defiant and i
picked up my clothes
flagged down a cab,and left.
on my way home,different
thoughts were
going through my mind,maybe i
should
have just listened to him,idiot! i
don’t
think he would have said anything
relevant,if he wanted to,he could
have
called a long time ago,or did he
not know
my number.I was brought back by
the
sound of the taxi drivers loud
horn.Driver,
wetin sef? you wan block pesin
ear,shoo?i
said with annoyance in my
voice.come,no b me make you vex
o,if you know wetin
dey vex you beta maintain yoursef
o, the
driver replied. I no blame you,na
because
say you see me for you useless
taxi
na,nonsense,i hissed. When i got
home,i
couldn’t help but curse myself for
refusing to hear him out,a part of
me still wanted
him badly,i kept rewinding his
voice in my
head..so soft,i wondered how i was
able
to ignore it for the first time.
should i call him? hell no! who
does he
think he is? if he really had
anything important to tell me,he
would have called.
“somebody saaaaavee me”…my
phone
was ringing, i knew my superman
femi was
calling…that was his ringing tone.
“hello?”…
To Be Continued…


NAIRAJOKES.COM




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I think more dating stuff is scheduling. It’s needing people who understand your work schedule.

~ Jennifer Love HewittRelated

Ladkiyaan Itna Kam Kyun Bolti Hein?

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Niche Kya Dhundh Rahe Ho, Joke Toh Uppar Hai!Related


Two days to Valentine`s Day, Akpos and his girlfriend broke up. This is what happened:

Girlfriend: Hey dear, Friday is Valentine`s Day
Akpos: Are you trying to say I don`t have a good memory?
Girlfriend: No baby, it`s like that. Far from it.
Akpos: Are you arguing with me?
Girlfriend: No, naaaaah, haba.
Akpos: `Haba` right? It`s over between us!




NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-02-15 21:50:45

324 Views





One day, three girls went swimming in a nearby dam. They undressed and went on with their business.

Twenty minutes later, Akpos came and stood next to where they left their clothes.

The girls said, “what have you come to see? You are unlucky because we won’t get out of this water till you leave!” and they started drifting towards the deepest parts.

Akpos replied, “I’ve got nothing to do with you, I just came to feed the crocodiles in here!”




NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-02-18 21:16:10

161 Views




A teacher in unwana asked his student 1+1=?
A student stood up nd said 4,
Philip passing by overheard d response, he shook his head nd said:this APC government will kill us in this country, every thing has increased:dollars, transport face, fuel prices, every thing even 1+1 that use to b 2 has now gone up to 4, every thing in nigeria has increased, even d voice that usually said to copy this tune press 1, is nw saying to copy this tune press eleven!!!!! @Donluckyphilip


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-11-30 14:47:02

245 Views



YOUR OPINION [Read it]


Robbers enter a house, asks for all the
money and valuables. After they
collect what they can, they give the
man of the house a gun with
instructions to shoot his wife or else
he be shot himself.
The man gets the gun, points it at his
wife and hesitates. He is thinking of
what he has gone through in life with
his wife and how she has suffered
and sacrificed for him. He hands
back the gun and says, “I am sorry I
can’t do this…
“The boss of the robbers silently
grabs the gun from him and passes it
on to the wife with the same
instruction. The wife gets the gun and
without any single hesitation points
to her husband’s head and pulls the
trigger. But at last, the gun had no
bullets in it. The robbers get their gun
and walk out of the house laughing.
QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION
1. If you were the man in that house
how would you react towards your
wife?
2. If you were the wife, what
explanation can you give to your
husband!
3. If you were invited to bring peace
between this couple , what advice
would you give?
Drop your Comments & ask your friends too..


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-04-17 23:27:44

285 Views




A guy walks into a bar and announces that he can close his eyes and name
what kind of alcohol he is drinking and how old it is, just by taste
and smell.

Akpos who was sitting at bar drinking got provoked and shouted "Na lie! I bet I can give you a drink that you
can't name nor tell how old it is"
 "Is like you don't know me," replies the guy,"

"OK lets bet 10,000 Naira" says Akpos.
The guy accepted.
So Akpos puts a drink on the table.

The guy sips it, gags and spits it out.
"This tastes like piss!"

"Yeah  thats correct," says Akpos, "now guess how old I am."


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-04-07 16:34:45

6549 Views




THE UNEXPECTED LOVE
(Tochi in school)
Season 1
Episode 10
:
:
Such an eye contact was unexpected. Wisdom saw Tochi's real beauty from it, then he disconnected his eyes from hers. Even Tochi saw the reason why girls flock around him but she regarded herself as not worthy to compete with them just to have a handsome senior. "I'm only an SS2 illiterate" she thought.
"Desmond" Mr Anuma broke the silence. "I believe you won't be able to participate on the quiz, right?"
"No oh!" Tochi exclaimed. "Sir, i should even be the first person on the list. I will make sure i beat the SS3 students even.." she glanced at Wisdom and continued with a low voice. "..even this one standing here"
"You mean Wisdom?"
"Yes, i can win him"
Mr Anuma began to laugh while Wisdom smiled quietly at her boldness and her funny way of talking.
"Desmond" Mr Anuma called. "Wisdom here is very intelligent that's why he was made the senior prefect of this school. So there is no way you can beat him intellectually"
"Sir, just wait and see, i will study very haaaarrd and with the small small grammar I'm learning from you, i will win him"
Mr Anuma laughed again. He had never seen a student with such boldness and zeal to learn. Wisdom didn't smile at the second time because the word 'grammar' Tochi used reminded him of the one she used on him that morning.
"Okay then, lets see what you can do" Mr Anuma concluded. "Wisdom you can put her through on how to go about with the list" he added.
"Okay, sir" Wisdom replied.
"You may go now"
Wisdom waited for Tochi to lead the way, then followed her. Their height was perfect like fitted couples. Tochi was quite tall but Wisdom was taller as they walked semutanuoisly towards where they came from. They were flowers on the road that led to the office and dwarf palme trees circulated everywhere which made people not to have a good view of them. Wisdom expected Tochi to walk faster than him but she didn't rather she followed him right by his side-but was a bit far.
"Senior" Tochi broke the silence, then Wisdom looked at her without responding. "Why is your friend so mean to me? I mean that one.. I have forgotten her name"
"Jennifer?" Wisdom helped.
"Yes, Jennifer! Sorry, senior Jennifer" she lower her voice. "I don't like her. Senior Esther is MORE GOOD.."
"Wrong English" Wisdom interrupted.
"What do you mean?"
"You don't say Esther is MORE GOOD. There is no English word like MORE GOOD"
Tochi stopped and looked at him. "Then tell me the correct one" she said.
"You can only say Esther is BETTER"
"Hmm, Senior thank you for teaching me oh" she gave an attractive smi ???contuine read

Dying Man [Read it]


A dying man on his sick bed in the hospital called
for his wife and four children.
Dying man: "To you my wife, take over the
petroleum company at 4, Awolowo Rd Ikoyi"
Wife started crying loudly.
Dying man: "To you my first son, take over the
shopping mall at 12 Kingsway Rd Ikoyi"
First son rolling and screaming.
Dying man: "To you my second son, take over
the gas station close to the Airport."
Second son crying louder.
Dying man: "To you my third son, take over
the eatery at Falomo."
Third son was wailing.
Dying man: "To you my only daughter, the high
school is yours."
Daughter crying loudest.
The confused nurse asked:
"I don't understand why you people are crying
and screaming in pain, your dad left you a great
deal of properties to make you comfortable till
the end of time."
Wife: "properties kor... comfortable ni! He is a
cleaner and those are places he cleans
everyday...
Can't laugh alone o peepz... lolz


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-05-14 10:54:34

477 Views




Tricia gazed sternly at him. His words stung her. So, he actually viewed her as a good-for-nothing. How dare he? All the troubles were now her fault? She had helped this demon out and even watched his back just to protect him and he feels she’s nothing compared to Purity? Her anger blazed against him. She stood up to leave. “This meeting’s over.”

“What?” Ernest was astonished. He never imagined her reaction to be that way. “Where are you going? We haven’t even had any discussion yet. You can’t leave now.”

“Yes. I can leave whenever I please. Whenever I want to.” She lifted her purse off the table. “And I choose now.”

“Common Tricia,” he stood up, “You don’t have to do this.” Ernest didn’t actually need her help. He could handle the problem on his own. He only needed her to be on his side for her to keep her mouth shut and she also had good connections. He couldn’t waste the chance he got.

Tricia rolled her eyes. “You want to fill my head with insults,” she remarked, sarcastically. “I am really not interested in that. I resent such persons.”

He inhaled deeply and held her hand. “I am sorry. It was just anger. Please, sit.”

Without hesitating, she sat down. “Don’t talk to me that way again.”

He resumed his seat. “It won’t repeat itself. But don talk that way about Melisa, respect her. I have never abused Jeremy, at least not to your face.”

That was going to be difficult for her to accept. But what could she do? “Fine.”

“Who was that guy that bumped into us and fell under the table?”

“No idea,” she replied absent minded.

“Now, lets go straight to business. You say the doctor threatened you? How did you know that Jeremy recovered his memory?”

She dragged in a breath. “I eavesdropped. I heard Jeremy tell him about the surveillance cameras at that country house. He also mentioned that they needed to get the tape and rescue Purity. He doesn’t believe she broke the bottles on his head. He remembers everything.”

“Don’t you get it?” he rhetorically asked. “Jeremy told Allan the truth. They got to the tapes first. If Allan know about the kidnap, definitely Jeremy does too.”

“Allan mentioned to me that he was discharged this morning,” she recalled.

Ernest shook his head in disagreement. “It means he lied to you. Jeremy was either discharged yesterday morning or afternoon. And they sought out the tapes. If they had waited till morning, we’d have them. They are up to something.”

“And he’s using me. Jeremy’s using my feelings as a bait to get me. He’s never going to look at me as before.”

“Worry about that later. They have nothing to hold you. Be yourself and deny their accusations. You can report to your father. But what ever you do, don’t give them a single clue. Don’t even do that with Jeremy, be very careful around him,” he cautioned wisely.

Tricia nodded. She was just going to be herself. Never going to say whatever would arouse suspicions. She wasn’t ready to lose Jeremy and she was going to keep him. She smiled to herself.

“I have to go check on Purity. Good night.”
*
*
*
The fight was almost over; he had achieved his aim. Has he or was he getting there? Purity was all going to be his and as a matter of fact, she belonged only to him. She was a charmer, he was under the influence of her beauty and enchantment. She had not done much, neither had she said much the very day he met her, but her appearance and etiquette enticed him. It clung to him and refused to let go. Those feelings, those emotions, he never forgot. They lived inside of him, they were part of him. Forgetting them, going them up would be like taking away his own will to live. The every essence of his life. She emanates power, confidence, weakness, beauty and much more desirable qualities in a woman. All that propelled him to want to make her his. He wasn’t giving up. He smirked. He was in love.

He drove swiftly, wanting to get to her quickly. She was going to be scared of the dark. Something prevented him from getting to her – a vehicle. It trailed behind him. He had gone round and round in the same exact street. They still remained, following him. He couldn’t see their faces clearly, but he was sure the wanted something from him. He pulled his car over to the side of the road. He brought out his hand gun from the glove compartment and hid it in the inner pocket of his suit. He got down from his vehicle and walked up to them.

“Tricia.”

She was startled to hear her name. No just the name – the very person who had called her by that name. She looked up at him and gasped. “Jeremy. What are you doing here?”

He smiled and took the seat opposite her. “I saw you and came over.”

“Saw me?” she couldn’t quite get it. She had been sitting all by herself since Ernest left to meet Purity. She had been so engrossed in her thoughts, hatching a plan. A plan that could make Jeremy hers for life. She wasn’t certain yet, but she’d cherish the moments she was going to spend with him. But how long had he been here? Had he seen her with Ernest? She had even lost track of time. “Have you been here for up to an hour?”

Jeremy glanced at his watch. “Um….not really. Let me say ten minutes.” He looked back at her.

“Oh,” Then he had not seen her with Ernest. She heaved a Sig of relief. “What brought you here? I never knew you visit places like this.”

He chuckled. “Purity has been to a place like this.”

“She’s still on your mind, huh?” she muttered with a glint of unhappiness in her eyes.

Jeremy brushed that aside. “Why are you here?”

“Um….” she held his gaze, smiling gleefully. “I’m here to celebrate all by myself. You had said nice words to me today. It made me happy. My day was blissful. You didn’t throw me out. I am here to celebrate all that.”

He meant that much to her? “I’m glad I could be here to join you.”

There was an empty glass in front of her. She poured wine from the bottle into it, filling it to the brim. She refilled hers too. They cheered and drank.

“Would you please call me Purity for once?” Tricia requested.

Jeremy coughed immediately. “What?”

“Just look at me the way you look at her, even just tonight. Tell me the nice things you say to her. Please, do it just once.” Her voice was exceedingly subtle. She never left hush gaze. Her eyes were full of warmth and compassion. She expressed what she really felt for him and dropped the subtle hints of anger she felt towards towards him for choosing Purity over her.

“But you are not Purity. It doesn’t make sense calling you that,” Jeremy protested. He was not ready to give up his chance of being with Purity. Not for Tricia. No matter how much she love him, Purity will always come first. No one else.

“Do it for me, please.” Tricia insisted.

Jeremy sighed and rolled his eyes. “Just tell me a pet name you want me to call you,” he blurted out.

Tricia beamed. That’s it!
*
*
*
“Keep your voice down!” Ernest commanded Purity. She was screaming on top of her voice. He had just dealt with a man who had followed him and presently, she was making a lot of noise. How was he going to handle her? He flashed a torch at her direction. “Stop it!” he warned, again.

The feel of rays of light on her face calmed her. She squinted her eyes and threw her face from the face of the torch. She was panting and sweating. She had strained herself by shrieking loudly. “So, its you! You!” she yelled.

Ernest couldn’t get it. Whatever was she talking about? “Where you expecting someone else?”

“Damn you!” she fiercely shot at him. “How can you do this to me? You don’t even have an ounce of decency to tidy this place up and make it much more convenient for me? Do you know how frightened I’ve been? You say you love me and you treat me like trash!” She let the tears freely fall. She couldn’t believe what was happening to her. Ernest really locked her up. There was no food or water for her to drink. She was bundled to a chair like a criminal should be, but she was no criminal. She was simply having feelings for a man. What was going to happen to her? What was he going to do with her? She couldn’t decide or conclude yet. She was stricken with fear and intense hatred for the man standing before her.

Ernest couldn’t stand to see her cry. He allowed the bags he carried fall to the ground and rushed to her. He gently took her in his arms. “I’m so sorry, my love. I’ve been so stupid and reckless. I haven’t taken good care of you. Forgive me, forgive me, my darling.” he comforted her.

Purity rested fully on his back. “Untie me. I’m hurting,” she pleaded, weakly.

“I’ll do just that,” Ernest acquiesced.


>>

After hearing of how guys are buying cars through yahoo business, Akpos decided to join.
His first encounter was an Indian man.
Akpos framed up a business of $20,000.
When the man paid the money Akpos dupped him.
After realizing that he had been dupped, The Indian man called Akpos on phone to pay him back his money.
Akpos laughed at him and said "MUGU DON FALL".
"Nobody eats my money and gets away with it, i will trace you and kill you" says the Indian man.
Akpos said "Me na confirm Naija guy, you no fit do more than a dead rat".
"OK watch and see" the Indian man added.
Akpos quickly cut the call, remove his sim card, pour fuel on it and set fire on it.
"Let me see how the idiot will get me again"
He then went ahead and bought a new car and host the biggest party ever.
After some days, Akpos went to MTN office and bought a new sim card.
Immediately he inserted the new sim card, A call came in and it was the Indian man's number
Akpos fainted


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-05-21 06:26:44

22122 Views




Adaeze opened the door and ran to the gate.

But she didn’t see him outside.

She waved down an approaching bike and jumped on top.

A small distance away, she saw him ambling down the road, his steps just as cluttered as his mind.

She tapped the bike man on the back. ‘Stop!’

He did, right in front of him.

She jumped down immediately and was running to him when the bike man shouted at her, ‘Hey, Madam, my money!’

She turned back and it hit her that she had no money on her. She hadn’t come out with her purse.

She was still in the shirt and shorts she’d napped in.

She was about to say something to the bike man, something about him returning to the same gate where he’d picked her later to collect his money [she’d leave it with the gate man] when Ekene appeared beside her and extended a N100 note to the man.

The bike man did not collect the money. ‘Oga, my money na N150,’ he said.

Ekene was about checking his pocket again when Adaeze collected the N100 note from him and threw it at the man.

And she steadied her eyes on him, waiting to see what else he’d say.

But the bike man didn’t say anything else. He just bent to the ground and picked the money, then started his motorcycle and zoomed off.

‘Thanks,’ Adaeze said, turning back to Ekene.

He gave a slight wave to mean it was nothing and put his hands back into his pockets again.

She stared at him now, feeling the more upset with Nnanna for having pushed him.

She didn’t think about her brother’s outburst then. She was more concerned with the way he looked—quieter than he normally is.

He was hurt and she wished so much she’d been there to protect him.

Or that he even had pushed Nnanna back.

‘I came to see you but your brother pushed me,’ he explained, as if he needed to.

She nodded. ‘I’m so sorry about that, Ekene,’ she said.

He nodded too, and then compressed his lips. It wasn’t just about the push, there was something else. But, quite unusually, Adaeze missed that tip.

She took his hand and they walked further away from the road.

‘I don’t know what’s come over him,’ she said.

‘Hasn’t he always been like that?’ he asked.

‘For a long time now, yes, but definitely not from birth. I mean, we used to play and scream and run about the house the few times daddy was away.’

Sad mystification started to creep into her face. ‘He just suddenly changed, I think it was the same year I returned from school.’

Ekene stared at her.

‘He just pulled into himself like a wounded tortoise,’ Adaeze went on. ‘At first I thought it was what growth did to boys, probably the case of a failed relationship or something. I thought it was temporary, but it wasn’t.’

‘Maybe that’s what he is.’

‘What?’

‘A wounded tortoise as you said. Maybe he is hurt about something.’

She stared at him.

‘Did you ever ask your father?’ he asked.

Now Nnanna’s snarl—“You are not my sister!”—jarred on her mind again, nearly causing her to squint.

A middle-aged woman with a baby on her back walked past them. She greeted them with a big smile, with one of her hands raised, evident that she knew her.

Often, most of them greeted her like that and she would wish that she had known them more or could ask them to come by the house anytime to visit her.

‘Did you?’ Ekene said again, bringing her back to the present.

‘Yes,’ she said. ‘Once, daddy and I talked about it and he just said I shouldn’t mind him. Coming-of-age struggles, he called it.’

Ekene sighed, saying nothing else.

‘You said you wanted to show me something?’ Adaeze finally said.

He reached into his pocket and brought out a photograph. The image of two babies in black and white.

She took the picture from him and looked.

The evening sun was gentle on skin yet quite obstructing to vision. She put one hand at the edge of the picture to see well. ‘Where did you get this?’ she asked.

‘My mum’s room.’

‘This is me,’ she said, pointing to the female baby in the photograph.

‘You are sure?’ he asked.

‘Yes,’ she said. ‘It’s my hair, just like the one in a frame in dad’s room.’ She peered into the photograph again. ‘So who is the boy?’ she asked. ‘That can’t be Nnanna.’

‘No, it’s not,’ Ekene said. ‘It’s me.’

Her lips came suddenly open.

>>

LAUGH OUT LOUD #flexxyad
Two teachers were arguing in the class and the students were watching.
Others teachers were trooping in one after the other.
ENGLISH TEACHER: What a pugnacious and combatant fight teachers maneuverating themselves in the presence of their pupils.
CHEMISTRY TEACHER: Stop this now or I`ll balance your equation with acid and base.
MATHS TEACHER: please please stop before I divide and subtract your names from our teachers` list.
CRK TEACHER: Oh God of Nazareth,forgive them because they do not know what they are doing.
ECONOMICS TEACHER: What a human behavior,I`ll draw a scale of preference to know who`s at fault. MUSIC TEACHER: Stop both of you lack voices to win an argument,your phonet is voiceless,your treble ,and your auto lack vocal sound.
HISTORY TEACHER: oh my God of century 2013 I`ll compare this fight with that of Iran and Iraq..
BIOLOGY TEACHER: What a shame between these two species of Homo sapiens.The knot of your Medula Oblongata is loosing I must get a Spanner to stop this Osmosis. Lol..who is Rocking?


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-06-26 21:55:24

1252 Views



Poor man prayer [Read it]


If a poor man dey pray na question he go dey ask hear d prayer......lord na me b dis lord when i am going to work last week one woman ask me where is my God ha,yesterday small boy wey dey our compound ask me where is my God ha lord,today d man wey b say na me dey give am garri ask me say where is my God lord dis question too much me too i have come to ask u WHERE U DEY,


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-07-21 08:53:50

370 Views




My mom only had one eye. I hated her… She was such an embarrassment. She cooked for students and teachers to support the family.

There was this one day during elementary school where my mom came to say hello to me. I was so embarrassed.

How could she do this to me? I ignored her, threw her a hateful look and ran out. The next day at school one of my classmates said, “EEEE, your mom only has one eye!”

I wanted to bury myself. I also wanted my mom to just disappear. I confronted her that day and said, “If you’re only gonna make me a laughing stock, why don’t you just die?”

My mom did not respond… I didn’t even stop to think for a second about what I had said, because I was full of anger. I was oblivious to her feelings.

I wanted out of that house, and have nothing to do with her. So I studied real hard, got a chance to go abroad to study.

Then, I got married. I bought a house of my own. I had kids of my own. I was happy with my life, my kids and the comforts. Then one day, my Mother came to visit me. She hadn’t seen me in years and she didn’t even meet her grandchildren.

When she stood by the door, my children laughed at her, and I yelled at her for coming over uninvited. I screamed at her, “How dare you come to my house and scare my children! GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!!!”

And to this, my mother quietly answered, “Oh, I’m so sorry. I may have gotten the wrong address.” – and she disappeared out of sight.

One day, a letter regarding a school reunion came to my house. So I lied to my wife that I was going on a business trip. After the reunion, I went to the old shack just out of curiosity.

My neighbors said that she died. I did not shed a single tear. They handed me a letter that she had wanted me to have.


“My dearest son,

I think of you all the time. I’m sorry that I came to your house and scared your children.

I was so glad when I heard you were coming for the reunion. But I may not be able to even get out of bed to see you. I’m sorry that I was a constant embarrassment to you when you were growing up.

You see……..when you were very little, you got into an accident, and lost your eye. As a mother, I couldn’t stand watching you having to grow up with one eye. So I gave you mine.

I was so proud of my son who was seeing a whole new world for me, in my place, with that eye.

With all my love to you,

Your mother.”

If you love your mum be proud to type "I Love you Mum"


NAIRAJOKES.COM




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FIRST BAD DAY CONTINUES..
09:25pm, March 20..
Lia narrates

Being with my Ele Boje again was a dream and wish come true. Though I didn’t expect us to meet in this kind of ugly situation where we are destined to die. But who can blame fate. About a dozen of the kids from the party were also abducted
Most notable was a black beauty of rarity Aarti who my Ele Boje seem to have a rapport with. I’m guessing she is quite popular among the kids because she controls them like remote. I must admit I was jealous of Aarti, but I didn’t show it.

I had devised a clever plan which I made known to my Ele Boje, though he was a bit against it because of the part i had to play in the plan. We had carried out the first stage of the plan which is gathering bones and skeletons with sharp edges to use as weapons when the new guard who replaced Sir Guard went out with two of the kids who never returned. If what Sir Guard said was anything to to buy, were to die tonight. And If we have anyway of saving our as.s we had to do it now and risk getting caught. We would die anyway, so there’s no harm in attempting.

I checked my time and it was 09:30pm. I gave Ele Boje the signal that it was time he hesitated for a moment before nodding his head in approval. I proceeded to remove my clothes till I was unclad, I moved straight to the guard with a seductive look winking at him. I could see he was shaken.

“You, what are yo trying to do?”, he said trying to appear strong, but there are many things a woman being unclad could do.

“Do you know what you will be missing if you keep on pretending”, i said in a super sexy voice still moving towards him, “I would die tonight for sure but I wanna know how strafing feels like and you on the other hand would have a rare opportunity of strafing a virgin”, I said in such a romantic voice.
Just then Aarti struck him with the sharp edge of a skeleton on his back while Ele Boje struck him on his neck as he fell to the ground lifeless. I quickly went back to put on my clothes. We had to leave that place ASAP before the others notice, but in had one more thing to do.

“Ele Boje mi, our chance of making it out is 20%, we don’t even have a map, that’s why I want one last thing from you”, I explained to my Ele Boje.
“What’s that thing you want from me Queency?”, he asked curiously.

“I want a kiss!, not any ordinary kiss but an Agege kiss”, I replied as everyone in the room including my Ele Boje burst into an hysterical laughter.

Before I could say Ele, he pushed me closer to him and gave me a lightening kiss. I used to think no one could kiss as good as Bode. But now I know no one can kiss as best as Ele Boje. I was as if my Ele Boje put sugar in his mouth. His lips tastes like hollandia yoghurt, it was scintillating salubrious and I couldn’t help but devour the only man who have brought out the woman in me.

“We don’t have much time you know”, Aarti interrupted our kiss to my annoyance but she was right though as Ele Boje and I disengaged.

The guard wasn’t with a weapon maybe because he thought we were harmless, a mistake he will regret when he gets to hell. But we found a phone in his pocket. The network was so bad a single call didn’t go through, we decided to send a text message to both parents, but it came back as “message sending failed”. Ele Boje decided we should carry the phone along as he put it in his pocket.

“Even though i walk through the valley of the shadows of death, ill fear no evil for thou, art with me”, Aarti quoted a Bible Verse as we all turned to look at her. It was quite reassuring that we had Providence on our side.
Ele Boje mi opened the door slightly to check the happenings outside before signalling on us to come forward. Our escape from Congo has began!.

—————————————————————-
Ledan narrates

I had promised the Ele’s abductors to pay the 10 million naira ransom for my son’s release and they should call me by 10pm. I made the call in the presence of Dija and her boys in the absence of the others. I kept thinking how Dija manage to escape from being kidnapped since she was with Ele, but I know too well not to ask such questions.

I got into the comptroller’s office after unbolting the door with my master lock. I had told Dija to pay to girls to cause a scene outside to distract the customs officers on night duty. It was more easy to get in because the comptroller general had gone home and I knew the in and out of the office well enough being a top officer who comes and go in frequently.

I had switched on the desktop computer but had difficulty remembering the password I had seen the comptroller typed in last week. The computer was a high level device that could do things many ordinary computer couldn’t do, that’s because it has so many access to top classified information.
I checked the time and it was 9:58pm, I had two minutes more before the abductors called, also I don’t know how long Dija people would hold the customs officers.

“Yes!”, I exclaimed, I finally got the password. It was CONTRABAND. What a strange password he got there.

After waiting for five minutes without getting a call from my son’s abductors, I was about given up when a message came into my phone. I read to check it and was surprises at the content. I quickly tracked the number through the Comptroller’s computer and discovered it was in a remote area in Sango-Otta. It was shocking. From Kano all the way to Sango-Otta. How the hell do I get to Sango Otta tonight, I thought. Just then I heard footsteps coming. I quickly finished up what I had to do and leave.

————————————————————–
Imabong narrates

I was so disheartened that my one and only son was to be by butchered men of the underworld in a matter of hours and there was nothing. I only had one hope and that was Providence. I kept praying for Providence to intervene. I started singing..



God will make a way, when there seems to be no way,
he works in ways
That we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Draw me closely to his side
He will save Ele for me
He will save my son
God will save Ele…



My father and my God
Do not make me a laughing stock Lord to my enemies
Do me a miracle that will win souls for you
God nothing is impossible for you Lord……I kept on praying…

———————————————————————
Ele narrates

The kiss I had with Queency was undescribable. It was a rarity. I couldn’t believe all that had happened to me for the past hours. I was reminded of last year again and I had this little faith I’ll scale through.

We had walked pass several doors without seeing a single soul. The doors were made of palm leaves so we had little difficulty opening it. The rooms were very small, the height about high enough to accommodate a 6ft individual. We came to a particular door where I peeped to checked what was going on. I was shocked at what I was seeing and almost screamed. I signalled to Queency and Aarti to come forward, as they joined me in seeing humans being butchered like ram. Queency almost screamed but Aarti was quick to hold Queency’s mouth with her hands. I signalled to the rest to come as we quickly dug a hole in the mud wall which was relatively easy since we couldn’t pass the place people were being butchered.

We passed through the hole one after the other. I was the last to pass through the hole.

We came out of a large space which seems empty. Just then, the phone i took from the guard we killed rang. I quickly checked to see who it was. It was dad. He had gotten the message I thought so happily.

“Who goes there?”, a baritone voice asked as we heard sounds of footsteps. Suddenly two men appeared with cutlasses stained with blood in their hands. One of our fellow friends naively attempted to attack one of the name but his hand was cut off in one swift move as he screamed in excruciating pains. We were shaken with fear. Some of the kids let out loud including Queency and Aarti. I urinated on my body that instance as I was sure of death now.

Aarti seemingly overwhelmed by the grossness of the situation attempted to run away but was pulled back by one of our attackers. As he raised his hands to slash Aarti as she shouted

“Jesus!”, I closed my eyes, covered my ears with my hands, as Queency also held me tight. I heard two slash of the sword as splashed on my body but I didn’t hear a sound. I slowly raised my head up and was surprised at who I saw


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A Chinese man took his pregnant wife to the hospital tp deliver... The wife however gave birth to a black baby. The Chinese man who was shocked named him: SOME TIN WONG....


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-02-19 22:33:59

338 Views




Ada is your sister, Mama Obinna said this to her son often.

‘Take this to your sister,’ she said, handing Obinna the black polyethylene bag that contained Ada’s dress, the one she’d helped her mend. ‘Tell Uchechi my sister that I’ll now see her at the market tomorrow.’

The thing is, Mama Obinna called everyone close to her either brother or sister. It’s usually that way—their real names at first then they become too familiar and she quickly adopts them.

Probably that was why her son, Obinna, never believed Ada was his sister.

When they were little, anytime Ada came around—and it was often that she did—Mama Obinna would give them okpa in one plate.

Then, little Obinna in the influence of that rebellious attitude of growing boys, would grumble in protest.

‘Mechie onu osiso!’ Mama Obinna would snap at her son. ‘Shut up and eat with your sister!’

When Obinna reluctantly dropped back to the floor to join her, Ada would smile at him – as though she had only been entertained by the little boy’s folly— before swallowing her food.

In the smile, she looked like an adult bottled up inside an infant’s body.

Obinna has come to understand that smile now—that feeble bending of her lips with her eyes narrowed, a calculated representation of unknowingness on the outside, yet abundance of knowledge in the inside.

He’d come to understand now, too, many other things she usually did that was not very easy to discern. Hers has always been that of complex expressions.

She was never the easy kind to read, so the feeling of being the only one quite able to, at least, always left him glad.

***

‘Ada,’ Ujunwa murmured beside Ada again. ‘Ada, it’s him.’

Again, Adaku pretended not to have heard anything, not Ujunwa’s whispering, not Obinna’s beckoning whistle.

She ran a finger across her wet forehead to stop the water from her metal bucket from trickling into her eyes.

It was the drier months of the year and the road to the borehole now seemed wider, with the lush vegetation that used to fringe it all gone.

‘Ada, chelu! I was calling you.’ He was with them now.

Running was easy for him. Even so, he walked with so much confidence one could easily assume him a prince, which he was not.

He had slight bowlegs, and Ada had once told her friends; Ujunwa and Ogechi, that that was what gave him his quick gait, like the bowlegs of nwamkpi, her mother’s sprightly odd-legged he-goat.

Anything to make him look less exceptional.

Her friends’ assessment of him has always been that of approval, and many times awe. They talk about what strong arms he’s got, his perfect nose, his well-cut lips and sparkling white teeth—sometimes, too excessively, it made her more jealous than proud.

‘Ogini, what is wrong with you?’ He held her arm now, firm, yet careful not to cause her bucket to fall. ‘Why do you ignore me?’

‘Obinna, hapum aka. Leave me.’ She didn’t stop walking.

He grabbed her bucket. In the season, water has become very precious, so she stopped.

‘Obinna, what is it?’ she said. ‘I said you should leave me alone! Or do you want my bucket to fall?’

Her voice was raised and her face swollen in a frown, but he knew better. Talking in higher voice did not necessarily mean she was angry with him. He never really thought that she was capable of getting truly angry with him anyways.

‘Erm, I think I will be going now,’ Ujunwa muttered. On her face, was that awkward smile of someone who suddenly walked in on a scene of domestic violence.

‘No, Uju stay!’ Ada told her friend.

‘Uju, take your water home. I’m sure Nne will need it now,’ he countered. His eyes were on the girl, the bold eyes that speak only of dominion, dominion most often tempered with gallantry.

‘Yes, yes,’ Ujunwa flung out. ‘Nne had food on fire when I was leaving, I must go now.’

Ada shook her head, aware that her friend has just lied. As Ujunwa walked away, she turned to him with ferocious eyes. ‘Gini, what is it?’

Now he used a voice not even her anger could resist. ‘Obim,’ he called her.

She inhaled deeply and threw away her face.

He carried her bucket from her and lowered it to the ground. He took her hand and drew her gently out of the road.

As she felt the pillar of fury she has spent so much energy to build crumble at the mere sound of his voice, all the hard work gone, she felt like slapping herself, so forcefully she would see stars.

She blamed herself now. She should have run off on sighting him or better still taken the other path that she was sure he wouldn’t follow. Only that she was not so sure of that either; he knew her whole.

It had amazed her the way he easily made her weak. Vulnerable, like a cornered rodent.

She was the strong kind of beautiful girls. The kind that knows how to handle her admirers, no matter in what number, age or size they come. She’d rather confront them than dodge them.

He was the only one capable of crumbling her defences, with things as easy as a single word, or just a calculated stare!

With a bit of regret, she has finally come to accept things as they were. But that does not mean she had given up trying anyway—she is still Adaku, after all.

‘Ada, what is it?’ He was staring at her. ‘Tell me.’

‘I told you to leave me alone,’ she said.

His face changed. ‘You are really angry with me,’ he said.

She took away her face, clucking and blinking hard.

He held her at the shoulders. ‘Gwa m, tell me please. What is it?’

She wanted to speak, but two girls were upon them.

They were carrying plastic jerry cans instead of buckets—tall, slender, yellow cans that once were containers for cooking oil.

Unlike the other people that had to suffer a long queue to fetch, Ada fetched from the tap inside the compound.

Chief Ozua, the short, stocky man that built the borehole, had wanted to marry her at some time.

She had refused, but according to the wealthy chief, she had refused differently—maturely in his own terms— and they became friends afterwards.

‘Dalu kwanu,’ the girls chorused, their eyes gliding past them with feigned disinterest.

Ada was sure they would gossip, but she didn’t care. And neither did him. Their gossip has become too common it has now turned tasteless.

The tale of the two children deceiving themselves with what they did not understand used to be a hot topic everyone in Obeledu was interested in. Some called it infatuation, others mere madness of youth.

But overtime, as more and more mouths continued to taste it, the matter turned flat.

Ada looked back, another woman was trudging up the road with a mighty bowl that screamed greed on her head. The tap has started to run eventually, she could see now. ‘Let’s go,’ she said to him.

He gave an understanding nod and bent to lift her bucket. She placed her aju cloth on his shaved head and he dropped the bucket on it.

That night they met under the avocado tree behind her house.

That was where they first had it, deep knowledge of themselves. He had pestered her about it for months, and that night she came with an extra wrapper. She didn’t say anything to him. She just spread the wrapper on the ground and allowed him.

He had been grateful.

‘So tell me, what got you so upset this evening,’ he asked. She was leaning to the tree while he stood facing her. He smelt of the floral scent of bathing soap.

‘When were you going to tell me?’ she said.

‘Tell you what?’

She turned suddenly to him as if enraged at his pretence of lack of knowledge. ‘That you are leaving for the city, Obinna!’

It wasn’t her intention that much concern showed in her voice. She decided to go on nonetheless. ‘You are not going to Enugu, or Onitsha, or Asaba, you are going to Lagos, Obinna, all the way to Lagos!’

Guilt splashed over his eyes and for once they lost their boldness and dimmed. ‘Who told you that?’

‘Is that what you are going to ask me now?’

He quickly took her arm. ‘Don’t be that way, I am not sure I’m going anywhere yet. Yes, Mama talked to Ahanna, but no agreement has been reached yet.’

She quietly slipped out of his grip. ‘Obinna, your brother sounded so sure so do not lie to me.’

‘Forget that one, he is just over excited.’

‘And you are not?’

‘I can’t be.’

She was quiet.

He took her hand again. ‘How can I be, Ada? How can I even feel normal that I’m leaving you?’

‘So you are really sure that you are going then?’

Feeling caught, he didn’t say another word.

‘Ada, come,’ he finally said. He folded her up in his arms.

She let him.

She always liked that part. Many months of carting away goods at the Nkwo market has gotten his arms bigger, his thighs firmer and his chest, broader, with that embellishing sprinkle of hair. He was what comes to mind when one mentions a strong, sexy man.

‘You must understand why I need to do this. It’s been over four years now since we finished secondary school. I have no hope of writing JAMB, let alone someday going to the university.’

She turned her eyes up at him. ‘Obinna, you are losing hope already?’

He snorted, a faint smile lingering on his face. His excellent dentition afforded him a nice masculine smile. When he smiled broadly, he created the impression of a toothpaste commercial. ‘Those were only childhood dreams, Obim, it was never meant to happen.’

‘Who said?’

‘Me becoming a lawyer?’ He threw out a laugh that meant more than amusement.

She appeared puzzled. ‘Why do you laugh?’

‘Even if miracle happened and I somehow found myself in UNIZIK or UNN, what kind of lawyer do you think I will be when I can’t even speak good English? Eh? Charge and Bail?’

She frowned at him. ‘Didn’t you pass English in your WAEC?’

‘I did. A miracle I still owe you for.’

‘Did I write the essays for you?’

‘You told me what to write.’

‘Then, is that not what the university is there for? The teachers tell you what to do and you do them, is that not it?’

He appeared to consider this for a while.

She stared at him.

‘I heard they are not called teachers in the university though,’ he came through at last.

‘Teachers, lecturers, all the same.’

He smiled at her and hummed. He turned her fully to himself so that they now faced each other. ‘Forget about me. The university was never meant for people like me.’ He brought his face down to hers so that their foreheads met. ‘Don’t you think you can get enough education for the both of us?’

She smiled to that— a sudden smile that seemed automatic. Somehow, the statement settled her. The way he’d used ‘us’.

Then it hit her again—he was leaving. To Lagos! ‘There won’t be any us anymore when you leave for Lagos,’ she told him, shifting.

He did not fake his shocked face—she knew. ‘What do you mean by that?’ he asked.

‘You are going to Lagos to meet those Lagos girls that wear tight trousers and draw scary tattoos on their laps and breasts, who do you think is going to stay here alone and wait for you?’

‘I don’t understand.’

‘What I’m saying is that once your bus to Lagos leaves, I’m going to choose any of my numerous suitors and get married.’

His heart started to beat faster.

She seemed aware of his torment. She continued nonetheless. ‘Who is it going to be now sef?’ She narrowed her eyes, pretending to be in thought. ‘Okwudili? No.’ She shook her head. ‘Okwudili lives in Asaba. I don’t trust those boys in Asaba. He must have gone to drink from the mighty breast. Evil money, kpa. Maybe Chuka?’

She shook her head again. ‘Chuka that stays in Onitsha and says Bebe instead of Baby. I think I’ll prefer someone educated. Yes, Mathew. Someone like Mathew, heard he is in the university again, for the second time, studying for his masters—’

‘Stop!’ he gave out. ‘Stop this rubbish, Ada!’

She obeyed at once, obviously been waiting for the reaction.

‘You are not marrying anybody except me!’ he said.

She liked the authority in the words, but she wasn’t done yet. ‘I am not marrying any man from Lagos,’ she said.

‘What is that supposed to mean? Do I come from Lagos?’

‘I mean once you travel to Lagos, consider whatever we have meaningless.’

‘Ada, stop this. Your words are hurting me.’ His voice was now low.

She turned away, a strange feeling of satisfaction clouding over her. She was happy to know he still cared just as much.

He came to her. ‘How can you be saying these things to me, eh?’ She heard him swallow. ‘Why? Have you no mercy for my heart?’

She didn’t say a word.

‘Ada?’ He waited, but still nothing came from her.

‘Ok, fine! I’m no more going to Lagos,’ he said. ‘I will stay here and we get married in this village and start up whatever life we can manage here.’

She turned to him, a look of compassion on her now. ‘You can go to Lagos,’ she told him. She joined her fingers together. ‘I will wait for you here. I’m just afraid, that’s all.’

‘Afraid of what?’ He took her wriggling fingers, separated them and joined them to his. ‘That I may leave you for some Lagos girl who wear same clothes I wear and greet people by joining lips together?’

She nearly smiled. ‘We have never stayed away from each other, you know that. Are you not worried?’

He exhaled deeply. ‘I am, Ada,’ he admitted. ‘I really am, but Ahanna said if I work hard enough, I can get my own place in less than two years.’

‘So?’

‘So? I will come and pay your bride price and carry you to the city.’

She liked the way he said carry. She imagined herself on his strong, muscular back all the way to Lagos. ‘I might be in school by then,’ she said.

‘There are better universities in Lagos. Haven’t you heard of UNILAGOS?’

She smiled. ‘I want to go to UNIZIK.’

‘Why? Is the education there better?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Anyhow, there must be a way.’

There he goes again. She slipped half of her lower lip into her mouth.

She never liked that he was not the one to reason deeply, never considered anything both ways; success and failure. He was always quick to pick the former.

Sometimes, it made her think of him as scared, though most other times brave— the times everyone seemed uncertain and without hope and he would appear the only one still strong in heart.

Like the day he saved Echezona from the well. When the little boy fell in, the echo of his scream disappearing with him into the deep pit, everyone was running helter-skelter, full of confusion.

But he seemed very much in control when he reached for the tall bamboo. Even after the third dip and the stick still came out without the boy, he continued trying, as though he was sure that something was going to happen eventually.

Success would eventually come.

And he finally saved the day.

She drew near and nestled against his chest.

‘All will be well,’ he told her and folded her up.
.
.
Should this story continue
miss you all



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I was kneeling before Maria, I need
her to talk to my father. "Maami, please, help me talk to
Baami" I told her.
She shook her head gently. "I'l try my best okay? Now stand
up." she helped me to my feet.
"where's Eniola?" she asked
"sleeping." I replied, resting my head
on her shoulders.
We actually became close friends
ever since I became pregnant with
Eniola.
She blamed herself a
thousand times for the pregnancy.
"Maami, let me stroll out." I told her
before going out of the house.
I needed to rest my head, a long
walk will do. My 'wedding' is just 48hrs away,
Maami need to do something fast.
I
need her to convince my father to
change his mind.
I just cant get
married to David's father.
I just cant
imagine it.
I got to the end of the road, stood
there for a while, before heading
back home.
A range rover sports car pulled up
beside me, almost knocking me
down.
I jumped! Which kind mad driver is
this? I hissed.
"Hey, baby!" My heart missed a beat.
David walked to where I was.
"I was about coming to your house,
and..errm, here you are.." he was all
smiles.
I looked away.I acted as if i never
met him before.He must be very
wicked for not contacting me all this
while.
"you haven't changed, still your
beautiful self." " so how's everything?" he tried to
take my hands, but i pulled away.
"Baby, anything wrong?" he asked
sensing my discomfort.
Which kind bad breeze blow this
david come here na! "Why did you come back?" I
snapped.
"I...I'm sorry..fro..for.."
"Why did you come back?" I
snapped more angrily this time
"I..I..came cos of you.." he looked
confused I rolled my eyes
"you came for your
father's wedding." I laughed
mockingly
"I...yes! You heard of the wedding
too? I heard he is getting married to
some pretty girl" he laughed.
"And do you know who that girl is?"
I grimaced
"Errm no, thats not my problem,
what matters now is you and I."
"You and who?" I asked
"Come o, are you mad? Se ori re buru
ni? Do I look like a thrash or a scrap
that you can use and dump?" my
temper rose furiously
"I...I..I" he began to say "Shut up! ! Ori gbeku gbeku! Comot
ma see road jor" I pushed him away,
walking away as fast as I could
Different plans flooded my mind, the
best plan was to run away! I got home, woke up Eniola, picked
my purse and sneaked out of the
house with her tugging at my skirt.
I
didnt give it a second thought if
running away was the best option
for me.
What will happen to my father and the suddenly nice maami?
"Mummy, where are we going?"
eniola asked as we got into a taxi.
I didn't reply. The taxi dropped us off at the car
park.
I bought a ticket to Lagos, and
thank God they needed just one
more passenger.
In less than thirty
minutes, we said Bye to Ibadan.
I felt joy surging through my veins.
But my joy was shortlived. Boom!
The two back tyres of the bus
we're in busted
"Mummy!" Eniola screamed.
I held her tightly as the vehicle
somersaulted thrice, it fell into a
ditch, and everything just blacked
out.



NAIRAJOKES.COM




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The Password [Read it]


A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-06-21 05:28:02

930 Views




Episode 1
 
Akpos was posted to yobe for youth service below is the conversation b/w him and d father
Akpos: hello palee!
D father: wat is it again?
Akpos: dey post me to yobe for youth service.
D father: chai! Okon don dupe me o!!. Just tank ur God cos i actually asked Okon to make sure u are posted to
              borno & ensure dat u do ur primary assignment in sambisa forest since u studied forestry.
Akpos: palee! i just won tell u dat i have sold our house since am the only son and it is d only better tin dat i will
            inherit from u. Just tank God dat i paid 1 year rent so dat our properties will not be packed outside. As
            am talking to u now am at d airport going to dubai to enjoy myself befor d camp open so dat i will have
            something to dream about if die in yobe.
D father: (shouted) hey!!! mi chest o!!!

Read

Kaduna, kogi,
Nasarawa and Niger
state will be dragging
for one boyfriend
because he is
handsome which is
the FCT(ABUJA)
Akwa Ibom will be
that woman that
always want to
satisfy her husband
with food
Edo state will be the
runs girl who is based
in Italy and owns four
to five houses in Benin.
Delta will have be that
lady with everything
going for her yet she
repeatedly keeps on
hooking up with
useless men.
Niger Delta states
would be the richest
woman with no
money.
OYO would be that
babe who will swallow
magnets just to
become attractive.
Yobe would be that
woman going through
a violent, bloody and
abusive marriage but
still remains beautiful,
positive and hopeful.
Abuja would have no
husband but would
have plenty boyfriends
and suitors.
Borno will be the
woman with the issue
of Blood. It never
stops flowing.
Osun will b a woman
complaining about her
broke husband and
decides to cheat to
save her children from
hunger.
Sokoto will literally be
too hot to handle.
Lagos would be the
rich man's daughter
who has shown she
doesn't need her
father to survive.
Ekiti will be that
woman who will go to
bed with you after
giving her just a bowl
of rice.
Kogi will be the
woman whose
husband is not dead
but lives like a widow.
Kaduna would be the
one that has jumped
from one useless man
to the other over time
and then finally
marries Mr perfect!
Ekiti will be that chick
that leaves her good
guy and returns to her
crazy ex.
Rivers will be the chick
that likes bad boys
Abia would be that
woman who leaves
her door open to
various men to come
do as they wish.
Ebonyi state will be
the shy side chick we
only hear about when
she doesn't get child
support.
Kwara would be a fine
lady that was
betrothed by a dead
father to his son.
Bayelsa will be the
woman who can't
speak English
Kebbi will be that girl
with only one
underwear.
Ogun will be a very
religious woman
Benue will always be
pregnant.
Plateau will be a
beautiful woman who
was once peaceful and
happy but now living in
fear.
Enugu will be the
housewife that never
goes out.
Cross River will be the
woman that keeps on
giving.
Abuja will be a
feminist that tries to
control her whole
community.
YOU CAN ADD MORE
BELOW..IN THE COMMENT BOX



NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-07-12 16:52:19

326 Views



IQ question [Read it]


Teacher wants to test Akpos IQ

Teacher: Akpos what is a period?

Akpos: I dnt knw the meaning sir, but I am very sure it is very dangerous

Teacher: why Akpos?

Akpos: Because when my sister sais that she didint see her period for 5 months, my mum fainted,my Dad got heart attack and our driver ran away...So I dnt tink period is a good thing sir.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2014-10-27 09:50:08

181 Views




May the festival of Lohri

Sweetens your life like Reori;

Crunches it like Peanuts;

Flavours it like Seasame Seeds;

And gives you the warmth of Bonfire.

A very happy Lohri!Related
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