Unlimited Jokes and Funny Moments:


EPISODE 33

I couldn’t believe who I saw… someone I knew that couldn’t even hurt a fly is now working with Marcus. What has happened to her? This is incredible!
Me: D’thy?
Dorothy: Awwww… I really miss how you call me that name; it’s super romantic
Me: **Stammering** Wha…wh…what what happened to you?
Dorothy: Why? Do I look sick?
Me: No; what have you turned yourself into? What are you doing with these criminals? I mean look at you; how will your mother feel when she finds out that her beloved daughter has become something else?
Dorothy: You have no right to talk to me that way! No! **Walks away**
Me: D’thy! D’thy!! Please don’t leave me like this D’thy! D’thy!!
She left the room without turning back, I tried to run after her even though I was tied down but one of the guys she came with knocked me down with a rifle; I screamed out from the hit.
Dorothy: **walks in** what just happened here?
Guy 1: (The one that hit me) He tried to go after you; so I knocked him down
Before I knew what was happening, Dorothy pinned the guy to the wall with a gun.
Dorothy: Don’t you ever lay your filthy fingers on him again! Don’t you ever!!
Guy 1: Yes queen
Dorothy: Do we understand each other?!
Guy 1: Yes queen
Dorothy: Get out! **Letting go of him**
**He bowed then walked away**
Dorothy: You leave us
**The second guy also bowed and walked away**
Dorothy: I apologize for walking away from you and what that guy did to you
Me: Queen…? What’s all that about? Or are you married to a king?
Dorothy: Nah…forget about that; what would you like to eat dear?
Me: I’m not hungry… where are you keeping the girls?
Dorothy: They’re save
Me: I want to see them
Dorothy: No you can’t
Me: And why is that?
Dorothy: Because… to them; you’re already dead
Me: What are you talking about? Who told them that?!
Dorothy: Well… they saw your lifeless body with their own eyes
Me: You see… I’ve always known that you’re stupid, but didn’t know you’re crazy too
Dorothy: Here! **threw some pictures at me**

I took it and saw myself with blood all over my body and bullet holes

Me: What! How did you do this?!
Dorothy: Don’t you watch movies? Of course it’s a make-up costume. You were deep asleep when all these were carried out
Me: You drugged me?
Dorothy: Yeap
Me: Why are you doing this to me? You even kidnapped my sister Nancy who you were so fond of
Dorothy: We freed her and the other lady the moment they brought you in. We held her as a bait to lure you in
Me: And you left Mirabel with Marcus? What if he tries to rape her?
Dorothy: I care less, she is his responsibility and you are mine
Me: And what do you want from me?
Dorothy: Just you, even if I don’t get to have your heart; having you here is enough
Me: You know I’m a final year student right? You can’t keep me here; I should be in school
Dorothy: That can be arranged; you don’t have to be there in person
Me: Don’t threaten any lecturer on my behalf
Dorothy: Okay…
Me: D’thy please stop this madness and let me go
Dorothy: Letting you go is backwardness for me. I can still remember what I told you three years ago that “No girl can have you if I don’t and even if you turn gay in the process, no guy will still have you”. You’re for me dear. I forgive you for what you did to me with that girl that claimed to be your girlfriend; while she’s just Mirabel’s friend or were you screwing her too?
Me: What do you think?
Dorothy: I don’t care; but I will soon get her and all her girl’s creed members
Me: What’s that?
Dorothy: You haven’t heard of the girl’s creed?
Me: I have but what’s that got to do with Lola?
Dorothy: She’s their leader helloooo…?
Me: What?!
Dorothy: I’ll soon get her
Me: Are you a cultist as well?
Dorothy: Yep you know I won’t lie to you
Me: Why did you join them? See what you’ve become
Dorothy: This is the life I chose dear and it’s because of you
Me: Me? How?
Dorothy: You did to me lots of wrong and you kept hurting me. I grew to hate you from that day you set me up with that b!tch. I set my mind to deal with you so severely for all what you put me through, so I left for Port-Harcourt where I told my cousin who was already a cultist to recruit me. I got recruited and became their member till I got admission and returned back here where I wasted no time in belonging to a confra. I scrolled past the ranks till I reached the second in command. The leader got killed during a clash with another confra then I emerge as the leader that’s why they call me Queen.
Me: You went through all this just to get back at me right? So why am I still alive?
Dorothy: My anger and quest for destroying you subsided when I found out who was your real girlfriend; I got extremely envious of her then changed my quest. Instead of destroying you, I chose to have you all for myself. And you know how much I love you; I can’t even bear seeing you get hurt. Sometimes I ask myself, how I got to love you this much that I can’t let go… I just dunno.
Me: For how long will you continue this madness?
Dorothy: As long as you’re with me
Me: D’thy I’m begging you to let me go; you’re already ruining my life
Dorothy: Sorry babe, I can’t do that
Me: Please don’t let Marcus touch Mirabel I beg you, he might do something stupid
Dorothy: I can’t do that either; we had an agreement. He’s got Mirabel and I gat you; no trespassing. Talking about doing something stupid **getting closer seductively**
Me: Stop it!
She started romancing me
Me: D’thy please stop this
*Note: I was tied up on a wooden chair*
Dorothy: I’ve missed you… It’s you alone I want; I want to feel you this minute baby
Me: Is this what Marcus is doing to Mirabel?
Dorothy: I dunno and I don’t care **removing her dress exposing her cleavage**
**I turned my face away so little vame won’t get excited.**
Voice: I can see you guys are having fun
**I turned to see Marcus**
Dorothy: What are you doing here? **she backed him while wearing her dress**
Marcus: Just came to see how you guys are catching up
Me: You ba$tard! What have you done to Mirabel?
Marcus: Hey don’t get upset ‘coz I interrupted your little fun **Smiling**
Me: Don’t you dare touch her!
Marcus: And why not? See Dorothy is touching you
Me: You both should leave us alone! Is it by force to love? Why won’t you let us be?! Leave Mirabel and I alone!
Marcus: Coward! You want reap from where you did not sow; haven’t you gotten enough from her? She got you a house with two cars and all her money you’ve been using, isn’t it enough for you?! You greedy ba$tard!
Dorothy: Marcus that’s enough!
Marcus: No let me talk to this f*ckin’ ingrate
Dorothy: Marcus!
Marcus: Bullsh!t **walks away**
Me: You see who you’re working with?
Dorothy: Don’t start with me **walking away** I will send you some food **Walked out of sight**

D’thy is now the leader of a cult group? That innocent and stupid girl I used to know that couldn’t even stand a cockroach is now something else. I still find it very difficult to believe. Wait a minute…Lola is also a leader of a cult group? What’s going on? I do hope Mirabel isn’t among them.
No wonder Lola got guts and influence. Maybe those two girls she used to intimidate Dorothy are her members; Hhmmm… it’s now making sense.
A guy brought food for me, I ate while thinking.
Now I need to start planning my escape. I’m going to create a problem between Dorothy and Marcus.

**The following morning**

When one of Dorothy’s boys brought breakfast for me, I asked if Dorothy was around but he said no. Marcus came, mocked and laughed at me then left. That was when I came up with a plan. I threw myself to the ground still tied to the chair; I started hurting and injuring myself till I heard footstep closing in. It was Dorothy; she ran towards me as soon as she saw me on the floor grunting in pain.
Dorothy: What happened to you?
Me: Leave me alone!
Dorothy: Tell me who did this to you
Me: Like you care
Dorothy: Of course I care… just tell me who did this to you
Me: Can’t tell you
Dorothy: Why?
Me: He’ll kill me
Dorothy: What? Not after I kill the ba$tard first!
Me: Just leave me alone! It’s all your fault! You brought me here to die
Dorothy: That’s not true!
Me: Then look at me; see bruises all over my body. Only God knows what he’d do to me when next he attacks
Dorothy: Tell me who is the ba$tard that did this to you!
Me: Who else if not your partner Marcus
Dorothy: What?
Me: He threatened my life
Dorothy: I warned him of the implication of breaching our agreement… anyone who touch you; touches me. Anyone that touches me; touches the queen of the phantoms and anyone that touches the queen of the phantoms; toils with his or her life!

*She briskly walked out of the room in anger*

TO BE CONTINUED



NAIRAJOKES.COM




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A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife`s golf ball……….stuck right in the middle of the cow`s butt. That`s when I made my mistake.”
“What did you do?” asked the doctor.
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, “Hey, this looks like yours!”Related

Banta, an eager young man entered his prospective boss’s office for an interview.


“One thing our company is very particular about is cleanliness. I hope you wiped your shoe on the door mat while coming in?” said the boss.


“Yes sir,” Banta replied promptly.


The boss continued, “One more thing we’re very particular about is honesty. There is no door mat outside!”Related

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

-Mel BrooksRelated

Ek Minister Pagal Khane

ke Daure par tha.

Ek Pagal Bola: Minister

Sahib Ek Cigarette aur

Maachis dena.

Minister ne cigarette di

aur Dr. se bola:

doctor,ye aadmi to

achhe se baat kar raha

hai…kahin se pagal nahi

lagh raha hai.

.

.

.

Pagal ne Cigarette Tod

ke Tobacco Apne Sir par

dala

aur Machis se Aag laga

di…..Phir Apni Dhoti Utha

ke bola

.

.

.

.

.

Lo Minister Sahib,

Hukkaaa Piyoooo

Hukkaaaa’!!!!!! !!

(*_~)



_ )(_ . pagal rocked

minister shocked:P:PRelated

Wife: You had lunch?

Husband: You had lunch?

Wife: I’m asking you.

Husband: I’m asking you.

Wife: Are you copying me?

Husband: Are you copying me?

Wife: I love you.

Husband: I had lunch!

>>Thats how the realtionships are these days, so I recommend dont marry just believe in liv’in relationship ????Related

I don't believe my big sister is this
foolish, not until one day when our
parents told us to go and spend
Christmas with one of our uncle in
Lagos. We have never been to Lagos before so
our parents wrote down the home
address of our Uncle on a piece of paper
and gave us a live chicken to give him
for Christmas. Immediately we got to Lagos, the
chicken just flew out from my Big
sister's hand! But instead of trying to
chase after the chicken, she just said,
"Don't worry BOLA, the chicken won't
go far because it doesn't know the way to Uncle Jo's house, I have the address.
"#BOLLY_SMART ?? ? ? ? ? ??™



NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-05-14 00:12:01

411 Views




continues ......
After about 2 hours, Uchenna and his relative came out of the deceased house. They said the deceased parents said they don’t have anything against me. I asked if I should go and see them! They said the father in particular they para. They said they don’t want to have anything to do with me. And that I should carry my wickedness and problems out of their house. “Chaii, so na me be problem wey dem dey face.” We left the place.
Funke called me to commiserate with me over the death of Nuella. She called with another number. I asked if we could meet somewhere. She said it wasn’t possible. Na so I beg oo but she cut the call and switched off the phone.
Few days later, the student disciplinary committee of my school invited me for questioning over what transpired between I and Nuella. I defended my self and told them what happened. God was on my side that I wasn’t rusticated or suspended. After 3 weeks, I was pardoned by the school management. Na so Chukwu Abiama take save me.
Weeks later after resumption into 400 level. “Nuella dem don become history for my side.” I had given up on getting Funke back because all efforts of me trying to get her back proved abortive. My image on campus had been badly damaged. It looked as if the gods are angry with me. Turn out in all the seminars I was organizing had become extremely poor. I wasn’t happy it was getting poor because I was making up my mind to quit the Yahoo Yahoo business. I began wondering, "each time I was making plans to quite so I could concentrate on my genuine business; the genuine business would start failing me.” But this time, my mind was made up. I was so ready to quit, no matter how. I had even started having weird feelings of quitting, accompanied by terrible scary dreams. Infact I was even contemplating on moving out of the house I and my guys (Abisoko and Uchenna) shared. I was wishing to get my own place sef. And anything, money wey my guys make, I didn’t want to be a part of it or share in it.
I was preparing for my project, thesis at home when I got a call from a friend that our last academic semester results had been pasted. My two guys (Uchenna and Abisoko) were not around. They had gone to Mapoly, and I refused following them because I was scheduled to meet with my Project supervisor. Na so I rush take my phone com call my guys tell them say I hear say them don paste result. They asked me to help check their own when I get to school. Na so I enter school come go my department result notice board. I only met few people checking theirs. I just wanted to see what I was given for my I.T. I saw mine, it was not that bad. 4.65 for GP. Atleast e boost my CGPA wey dey fall. I was now in 2.3 CGPA with about 8 carry over courses for first and second semester. “I thought to myself to buckle up because na final year I dey.” I checked Abisoko’s own and uchenna’s. I couldn’t believe my eyes what I saw boldly written to their name, “RUSTICATED. ” Na so I clean my eyes come look am again to be sure of what I was seeing. But no be Nollywood film I dey watch. It wasn’t a film. Na reality. I brought out my phone to call my guys to tell them what I saw. As I was about dialing Uchenna’s number, he was already calling me. Uchenna’s call was coming in. I picked it. He had been told about it. He said couple of friends called to tell him some moments ago. So he wanted to know if I was there to confirm. Na so I tell am say na true oo. But I was very sad. I told him to come back immediately. He said he and Abisoko were already on their way back. I began wondering why they were rusticated. But I guessed it was due to their academic performance. Their CGPA was so low. Uchenna was 0.89 and Abisoko 0.92 with loads of carryover. “This one na withdrawal from the university.” In my own case, it was certain that I was having an extra year because I wasn’t able and won’t be allowed to register all the 8 courses for first and second semester. I was pained that I would be having an extra year but I was using my guys condition to console my own.
As days went by, Uchenna and Abisoko were trying so hard to meet lecturers and staffs they know in the school if they could help them out over there rustication but it went ‘negative.’ I was trying my best to help but nothing good was forth coming. As time went by, they had forgotten about it and moving on. But they still remained in the house, refusing to go back home. Uchenna said he wasn’t going to tell his uncle, it would hurt him. He would start working on something, either to move to U.S or Malaysia to start school again. Abisoko too had already said he won’t tell his people back home. Na were Uchenna dey him go dey. They brought up an idea. That we should all work together, get Malaysian visa and travel out. Na so me tell them say I no fit just leave school. After all the stress, then leave at that final year. “It’s impossible,” I told them. Na so them begin persuade me to change my mind. “Though we had gotten use to each other but I wasn’t willing to take the risk.” I told them to wait till I graduate, them say “No.” I told them to leave that I would come and join them. But they refused. They just want me to leave school and follow them but me no gree. Me sef don dey find way to cut myself from them sef. The situation became intense. We quarreled over it but I was still adamant. I felt like leaving the house but I felt it was a wrong decision. Those guys had been my closest friends. They have been with me and they actually helped my life and career. I couldn’t just leave. And there was this deal on ground that we were walking on. I had already started pulling myself out from it. I wasn’t going to involve myself with scam. Part of me was telling me that the way I was going about it was wrong and dangerous. But I was ready to thread that path.
There was a time Uchenna started accusing me of abandoning them after helping me. But I used academics as the reason i wanted pull out of them. But they were not buying it. At a time I felt I should just leave the house and rent another for myself because I wasn’t having a rest of mind at the place again. G-money even called to ask what was going on. I told him that I wasn’t pulling myself out but they should just exercise patience till after my graduation. Himself (G-money) come dey tell me say the distraction no go affect my education, say we dey move enter another country go school. I tell them say till I finish the one wey I dey. But at the back of my mind, “even if they will wait, I wasn’t ready to return to yahoo yahoo.” Even though the money on the current deal was enticing, “I was ready to let go.” I felt the little money I had would be enough as I was still organizing my seminars.
Weeks later after moving out of the house I, Uchenna and Abisoko shared. My guys came to me and asked I return to the house, “that the fact we had series of argument doesn’t mean we should just separate.” After much explanations, I felt their point ooo. Even me sef dey miss them. We had been together for long. I told them I will be a part of their new deal. They said it was worth N100m and G-money was also involved too. They asked me to come back to the house. I told them that I would come back. After they had left, “part of me was telling me it was just a trap” but “another part of me felt the opposite,” they had been my guys, they won’t hurt me. I had earlier said I wasn’t going back to Yahoo yahoo but this one, the money was so enticing and I was going to make up to N10m from the deal. The N10m was so important to me because I was going down financially. My online businesses were not moving at all. The seminars I organize, turn out has been low.
After I had told my guys that I would return to the house, I was feeling uneasy. “My mind was not at rest.” “I felt I was making the wrong decision.” “I felt there was danger ahead.”
Few days later, the first semester exam was fast approaching and I was really preparing for it. My mom called that the family of our late house keeper had started disturbing again. Na so I travel go Ilorin. Before, na my guys dey help me make connections with Police. Now wey be say I still dey post them, them no fit gree help me get through top police officers wey go help. I and my mom had to approach the family. We took a lawyer and some police men along to visit them. After much deliberations for 3 days, we were asked to pay the family N3m. “shey na we kill the girl?” I thought to myself. I was having only N4.5m in my account. But we were advised by the lawyers to pay because they believe the family of the deceased were into fetish things. “They might strike us.” We(family of the deceased and my family) finally settled for N1.7m which I paid to close the case.
I was still in Ilorin, Uchenna and Abisoko had been calling me to come back because the deal had been sealed and it was left for me to go and process it as usual and get in touch with banker Jide in Ibadan. I had to tell them to exercise patience. “That Scorpion bite my mama and I come carry the woman go hospital.” I felt she should just recover to an extent before leaving.
I finally returned back to Abeokuta after two weeks in Ilorin. I had missed a couple of continuous assessment tests (CAT). But I trusted myself that I would be able to make it up at the exams.
For one week, I had not communicated with my guys and it was unusual and they didn’t call me. I tried their line but it wasn’t going through. I tried the one of G-money, all his three numbers, non were going through. I called some of our friends we had in common to know if they are aware about there were abouts, but none could say exactly about their present location or anything about them. I went to their house and the doors were locked. Na so fear come dey catch me ooo.
>


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I cracked my head searching for a good river
but couldn’t remember any. In desperation i
thought of other alternatives.
“A good bush will do” I concluded as I
remembered a very large bush, four hostels
behind mine. The bush really was at the end
of the street. A yet to be developed plot. But I
was very unsure of the best time to head to
the place.
I knew there wasn’t a way I could go there
without being seen by many students and my
movement might draw suspicion due to the
sack bag in my possession and if eventually
Nmeka’s body is found, tongues may talk and
I could be caught, I reasoned.
“The only solution was to head out of the
school environs with my load perhaps
towards the small mechanic village which
was fifty naira bus drop away from my lodge,
find a good refuse dump site and dispose
everything” .
Luckily her body wasn’t discovered that
morning and so by 7:45am, I smashed her
phone sim and memory card wrapped the
debris in a small nylon before flinging it with
the phone back into the sack bag. Soon after
I left the lodge with my load and headed
towards mechanic village, nervous, shaken
but determined.
It was very easy to find a burning refuse
dump site when I got there. I quickly
disposed everything and headed back to my
lodge a bit relieved.
All that was left was to sit and wait for the
poor girl to be discovered.
I kept to myself, acting cool and trying hard
not to behave in a way that could draw
suspicion. It wasn’t easy, I couldn’t eat, sleep
nor do anything. I was conscious of
everything, plus I began seeing things.
Strange weird things.
Perhaps it was my imagination, perhaps it
was guilt and fear but I truly wasn’t myself
anymore. I didn’t kill the girl but I wronged
her spirit. I felt she was everywhere I went,
staring at me with her dark eyes.
Then she was discovered!
An early monday cry from one of the cleaners
ripped the whole lodge apart.

>> Page 6 -

Jejemi jejemi oo........ I was standing on the line waiting for my turn to come so that i will withdraw my cash and eradicate when suddenly a girl: very fine girl oh, stepped on to my front without even taking an excuse from me. I pushed her away and the following conversation ensured.:
fine girl: y are u so mannerless
Me: eh! Na so una go da speak english make pesin fear una abi
fine girl: what is he saying?
Me: how will u jst enta my frnt without an excuse.
Fine girl: that is my chance nw.
Me: Your watin?
Fine girl: my chance
Me: where were u when i joined the line?
Fine girl: ehh! Xo u are asking me where were me eehh!
Me: {surprised} yes
fine girl: were me not here when u join the rop... Ehh line.
Me: ewoh! I dn die abeg ee dn du.



NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-07-04 08:52:24

601 Views



fact [Read it]


If the children of Israel were Nigerians,
they would have wasted d whole day in d
red sea taking pictures and updating on
facebook saying "chilling with moses",
"miracle tins", "crossing mode activated,"
"bruzing on the red sea on my mind"... True or False??. good morning palzz ...Welcome 2 ma month of birth. ...5th 5 is ma day


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-05-01 08:53:44

460 Views




1. If your Girlfriend come to your house and join you in drinking garri, marry her.
2. If you take her to a restaurant and she picked gala/ pure-water instead of expensive
meals, She is understanding
3. If she sees someone with Bugatti but decided to follow you with keke, my brother na your
bone be that.
4. She come to your house and washed even your brothers and sisters clothes, marry her
fast.
5. You gave her 50K for shopping but she went for # okirikaand bring back 45K to you,
marry her because she read economics.
6. She will call you everyday and ask if you need recharge card, brother claim her oh.
7. If the girl used to give you her pocket money every week, She loves you
8. If both of you enter bus she will pay, That is a good sign
9. Whenever the girl is eating with you and she's eating only bone while you eat meat,
marry her. Am sure the ladies will love this!!!
Happy sunday


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2014-09-15 00:36:55

186 Views



fucking manager [Read it]


Kwame work as Bank manager at one of the biggest Bank in Nigeria,There came a Elite to their Bank,there come the conversation between the Elite,Cashier and the Bank Manager(kwame)...................
Cashier:gud morning and you are welcom to Our Bank.
Elite:thank u.
Cashier:how may I help You Sir?
Elite:i just want to see your fucking manager.
cahier:Am verry sorry Sir,We do nt use dat abusive world in our Bank.
Elitein fustration)what did You mean by that,I came here with My fucking money to ur fucking Bank and I aak of your fucking Manager and you telling me fucking words,fuck You up...........
this arguement proced more and it came to the hearing of the Manager.
Manager:what's going on here?
Elite:I ask of Her fucking manager............
Manager:excuse Me Sir, We dont use all abusive words here.
Elitein more fustration)fuck up)I came here with my fucking 50billion Us dollar to your fucking Bank to have Myself as Your fucking customer at your fucking Bank..............
Manager: Sir(3*) U are welcom to our fucking Bank,these are our fulking teller and Am the fucking Manager,let's go to My fffffffuuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkkkkkking office....


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-08-27 12:27:33

1101 Views




Kissing releases higher amounts of dopamine in the body,
Causing loss of appetite and inability to sleep.Related

Sam called Rahul as soon as he got his message. "Hi Rahul, what's up? I am in DC to close the real estate deal."

"Hey Sam, I totally forgot about your trip. Just wanted to know if you managed to get any details about Ana."

"Wow! Someone's finally interested, but I was hoping you would never ask about it."

Rahul sensed a tinge of sadness in his voice."Why are you saying that? And for the record, I am not interested, just want to get some details about her. I am kind of intrigued by the way she looks at me. There is something hidden behind those lovely eyes and I am trying to figure it out."

"Ok Rahul, first thing, being one of the most eligible billionaire bachelors, every girl is going to look at you with dreamy eyes. So don't take it seriously. I have to caution you about her availability."

"Shit! ..... Don't tell me she's already in a relationship? " Rahul felt like he was on a sinking ship.

"I am sorry Rahul - from what I gathered from her friends, she has a boyfriend in Boston and also a baby boy, who stays with her. I don't think she is looking to get into any relationship."

"amn! My bad luck again...why do these things happen to me. I know why she affects me, because her eyes remind me of my sweetheart." Rahul clutched his chest and slowly lowered himself onto the sofa. He could feel the pain in his heart and was overwhelmed by a sudden wave of sadness and disappointment.

"ude, are you ok?" He could hear Sam repeating again.

"Sam ....meet me at Cantors ... use the jet."

Sam could understand his friends disappointment. "Sure bud, starting now, anything for you." Cantors was their favorite drinking hole.

Meanwhile Ana was also in the same state, talking to Sally, about her encounter with Rahul.

"Sally...I felt the same feeling...and I have this weird doubt, may be he is Prince's dad."

"Ana, stop this nonsense. Tell me .. how many men did you hug in the last three years?"

"Hmm...no one I think." Ana replied thinking loud.

"See ... you don't have any experience with men, hence the first time some hotshot guy hugs you, you think he is the one. You need to improve your social life and get a man." Ana rolled her eyes hearing Sally's usual speech.

"You know I can't do that. What if the guy doesn't like prince?"

"Stop doubting every guy and beware of the rich fancy guys. That CEO is not husband material, so don't waste time on him, he may be interested only in your body. Find someone who can take care of you and prince. You need to forget about the Halloween incident and move on with your life."

"I don't think he is interested in me. He is rich and handsome and is linked to many models in the gossip column. Moreover I heard rumors that he is soon going to be engaged to his long time girlfriend. I don't even have a long shot with him, but when he hugged me, I felt like I was in same hands before."

"Honey, you need to find someone who is in the same league as us. I don't want some rich guy to break your heart, so be careful and try to forget the past. Also get rid of that imaginary boyfriend and try to get a real one .. dear."

"Ok .. ok .. I need some time. I am so happy with prince and me right now that I don't feel the need to have anyone else in my life." Ana didn't want to discuss about Rahul with Sally anymore .

"You and prince are coming over for the weekend to my house. We can talk more about your situation. Also don't worry too much about your job. You can always get another job."


NAIRAJOKES.COM




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A hard on does not count as personal growth.Related

Rehab is for quitters.Related

A man came back early from work and caught his wife with anoda man in bed.

Wife: why are you home early?

Man: Who is he?

Wife: Oh please! Don't even try to change the Topic.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2014-10-27 10:06:16

110 Views




[Rings]

SON: Hello Mummy?

MUM: I'm Coming to your school today.

SON: Aah! Nooo! They are fighting in front of my school!

MUM: I've passed your gate.

SON: You've passed the school's gates? Jesus! They are fighting in front of my hostel. It's a serious fight!

MUM: I'm in your hostel.

SON: Mummy, I'm not in school


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2014-11-12 05:45:40

342 Views




The world would be a nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would get even better if some them choked on it!Related

In a chemistry class, the teacher asked the students to name the atmospheric gases:
musa: oxygen.
Teacher: Good.
Chidi: Nitrogen.
Teacher: That's my boy!!!!
Kemi: Hydrogen.
Teacher: Wonderful!!!!!!!
Akpos: Tear gas.
Teacher: Akpos, you have one more chance, else you will be punished. Akpos thinks hard and says: Fabregas


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-05-15 11:56:02

16399 Views




My girlfiend said to me in bed last night, `you`re a pervert`. I said, `that`s a big word for a girl of nine`.

Emo Philips.Related

A beautiful girl goes to
Professor cabin
and
say
that i will do anything to
pass in the exams
and professor says
NOW OPEN YOUR
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Books And Study..
I salutes to your
Dirty minds..#B-goF
Abeg share ur thought on comment box.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-12-09 06:29:10

624 Views





Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat?
A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented.Q: How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and James Dean?
A: A man without a clue.Q: Why were the Clinton pushing the BTU Tax?
A: Because they could spell it.Q. What do you get when you ask Clinton to tell "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth"?
A. Three different answers. Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
A: One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate Lab. Q. How did Clinton create 14 million new jobs?
A. 13 million of them are comedians. Q: What do you call 8 nights of blow jobs?
A: Hannukah Lewinsky. The other day, Hillary Clinton asked Chelsea if she was having sex yet. Chelsea just smiled and said: "Not according to Dad." -------------------------------------There were 5 presidents on the Titanic--Carter, Reagan, Bush, Nixon and Clinton. As the Titanic hit the iceberg...Bush exclaimed, "We hit an Iceberg" Reagan queried, "We hit what?" Carter declared, "Save the women and children!" Nixon said, "Screw the women!" Clinton asked, "Do we have time?" -------------------------------------Have you ever heard of a President being BLOWN out of office? -------------------------------------A friend of Ms. Lewinsky asked her how her new boy friend compared to President Clinton. She replied, "Close, but no cigar." -------------------------------------Q: What is the difference between greeting the Queen and greeting the President of the United States?
A: You only have to get on one knee to greet the Queen. Q: How do you satisfy Clinton's sexual appetite?
A: It takes a village



NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-08-07 12:38:53

614 Views



Virginity test [Read it]


Mum: Ekaite, Are you still a virgin
Ekaite: Yes ofcourse!
Mum: Are u sure
Ekaite: Yes, you can even ask Akpos (houseboy). He confirmed it yesterday.

Mum fainted



NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-01-09 19:55:44

1348 Views




Akpos goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.
Akpos couldn't figure out where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the mother fucker I made love to on my friend birthday party?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s school teacher."


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-05-22 00:16:26

584 Views



COAST TO COAST [Read it]


Teacher: akpos which city does coast to coast bussiness
akps: anty nah westlyf nah


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-04-13 20:44:19

268 Views




This afternoon as i was drinking gari in my rooom i saw a rat at a corner in my room shaking head, pls someone what does dat means?!


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-02-10 15:41:09

530 Views




Continues..
We laughed and joked. He always insulted brenden as being an idiot, brain blocked head and so on and it did made me laugh. We played scrambles and I definitely won him. Just then that idiot appeared with her bunch of fools and our fun went bizarre.
Belinda: so this is what you have doing behind my back?
Preston: and what have I been doing behind your back?
Belinda: don't you dare ask me that kind of a question you and I both know what I am talking about.(she was shouting already)
Preston: don't you dare raise your alarm on me! The last time I checked I wasn't your child, brother or lover!! So just do me good to evacuate this province;
Belinda: guess what? You will have to make me leave. (She was so furious and angry right now so I thought I better leave)
Me: uhmm, preston I guess I have to be on my way so you can discuss with you know.(as I got close to belinda, she gave me a brain turning slap that had me shifted backwards)
To be continued..


NAIRAJOKES.COM




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Girls eeh
Girl-: Baby, i want to buy a new phone
Boy-: Owk,, tell me about it
Girl-: it's this new Tecno Phantom6..... Ive been saving up
for it but my money is not enough,, I just want you to add
little
Boy-: Owk,, how much is this Phantom6??
Girl-: N70,000
Boy-: How much have you saved?
Girl-: N1,500
Boy-: Amadioha of Egypt! Chinese Thundeerrr from jumia
fire you!!!!!!!!!


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-12-22 11:56:47

860 Views




Who love me most (season 2)episode 5

Amara returned back from Sandra place after both of them has gone around the whole town,Amara drop Sandra at he shop at about 4pm in the evening, amare headed back home she was now feeling better then in the morning,she entered the sitting room and met Mrs ada Marcus sitting in the couch.

Amara smiling )mama good evening, you came to see us

Mrs ada Marcus :yes oh...I came to see your mother

Amara key

Mrs ada Marcus :you must be coming back from work

Amara :no mama,i didn't go to work today

Mrs ada Marcus key,i wanted to see you oh,i was even going to send a message through your mum to try see me tomorrow but thank God I met you today

Amara :hope nothing is wrong

Mrs ada Marcus :no

Amara sat down she already knew what mrs ada Marcus was going to say but she just pretend not to know.

Mrs ada Marcus :i want to ask a question and i need the truth from you,i know i have asked you this before but and asking again,do you love my son

Amara :mama maxwell knows i love him

Mrs ada Marcus :then what is holding the both of you from getting married, i have also asked my son who told me that he was waiting for your decision, so that's why I want to ask you again,don't you want to marry my son

Amara knew that she has to pour out her feelings out

Amara :mama the truth is that am not sure

Mrs ada Marcussurprised )you are not sure

Amara :yes,i am not sure because of his attitude and behaviour

Mrs ada Marcus key what is the problem tell me

Amara upset)maxwell is am womaniser, i have caught him on different occasions ,and i even caught him today at him house, and the funny part is that he won't even bother to apologise for what he has done,maxwell is not the man i knew back then
Mrs ada Marcus was a little surprised to hear that,she knew amara was hurt cause it was written all over her face so she then try to calm her down.

Mrs ada Marcus : it's okey,if he has been doing all this why didn't you report him to me

Amara :i don't know,i just don't know, i can't marry maxwell like this,we are not even married and this is already happening what if we finally got married only God knows what he will bring to our home.

Mrs ada Marcus :it alright, i will talk to him,you know sometimes men always thinks what ever their doing is the right thing because they feel they are in control but we women are the once to bring them back to their senses, i will talk to my son and if i am done things will be okey again,okey

Amara :i hope he listens to you

Mrs ada Marcus :he will okey just give him time to rest his head okey

Amara :he has all the time in the world

Mrs uche entered the sitting room and met them talking, Amara greeted her mother,Mrs ada Marcus got up as she saw Mrs uche, they were both going to their women meeting, mrs ada Marcus gave amara the assurance that all will soon be fine and Mrs uche and ada Marcus left the house,Amara went inside her room,who told her things will ever be okey between the both of them,she knew she had to find a plan to end this fast because she can't ever dream of becoming maxwell wife.

***********************
ONE MONTH LATER

Emma parked his car close to a black gate and came down he knock at the gate,a soldier open the gate,emma greeted him and told him he has come to see their boss son chidi,he was asked if he was on appointment but he wasn't but he told the soldier to inform chidi that he is looking for him,the soldier asked of his name and emma told him,he close the gate and in less then four minutes he opened the gate for emma to come in,he met chidi waiting for him at the entrance of the house,he admired the building,it was really a big house and there was a lot of soldiers seen around the whole compound, the distance from the gate to the entrance door was like a five minutes walk,they both greeted themselves and chidi ushered emma in,emma was sitted till admiring the place this was the first time he was coming to chidi house since they have been friends.

Chidi sat down )what do I offer you

Emma :anything soft will do

Chidi called one of the maid to get a juice for emma,the maids return with a tray,juice and one glass cup was on it,she place the tray on the small side table that was close to emma, she opened the drink and poured it into the cup,she then left after doing that.

Chidi :so what's up with,and how is Sandra

Emma :she is fine,and how is work

Chidi :cool,

Emma :you have a great place

Chidi :it's my father house not mine but all the same thank you.you didn't call me to inform me you were coming

Emma :yeah I was actually in the neighbourhood when I realised I have a friend who live around it wasn't that difficult to get directions to your house you know

They both laughed

Chidi :yeah

Emma :i could have come to your office but I just decided to come see you at home,i want a favour from you,and please i will be very glad if you can help me out.

Chidi sat up right

Chidi key if it within my power i will help,so what is it

Emma :i want to start up my own business, i want to be boss on my own,

Chidi key what business is that

Emma :supplying of goods,i will buy goods from China and then sell it on wholesale, i won't open any store for now i will do the dealing from the warehouse, after I have gathered alot of clients then I can think of something else maybe build a company, i know that will take a long time but that is my plan.

chidi smiled

Chidi :i love the idea,so how do I come in

Emma :i know i shouldn't be asking you for this but there is no one that will help me out in this

Chidi :just tell me

Emma :i have already made the necessary requirements about the goods from China but two things are till lacking, the goods i an inquiry for is large quantity and i need a company that will sign for me, i can't use mind because it a grate risk i really don't trust any one,

Chidi :you want to use my company name,so that it will be more easily for you

Emma :yes,and one more thing my money isn't complete,i till need to borrow some money from you.

Chidi :you want to me to also lend you some money

Emma :please i know it will be difficult for you but please you got to help me on this,i just need to do something for myself and i know in time i will make it please.

Chidi thought for a while

Chidi :that's not a problem,so how much are we talking about

Emma :an hundred million

Chidi was shocked

Chidi :what,are you mad,how can you start up a business with such a huge amount of money.

Emma :there's a lot of profit in this,you will till benefits from it believe me,i have ever lied to you

Chidi :i know you haven't, but come on you are a business man and you should know how this goes,are you really confidence about this

Emma :i know what you are afraid of but trust me i have been working with this people for a very long time, they are actually one of our suppliers in my company, that is why in need your company name to do it for me.

Chidi was confused,

Chidi :this is risky,i will help you out but on my conditions,

Emma key which are

Chidi :you will give me every details about the suppliers,i will contact them myself, then I can help you take a loan from the bank, when the goods arrived you pay back the loan i took from the bank and then keep your profit.

Emma was excited

Emma :you mean you can help me out with this

Chidi :i am doing this for old time sake,hope you didn't take any loan in the bank

Emma :no,i and Sandra has been working on this for a long time now,sandra help me borrow from her siblings and other family members, with the ones we gathered it was all forty millions naira

Chidi :you better keep that money safe,this is what you will do,when the goods arrived, i am going to help you with the complete money of course they will ask for interest i will settle that too,we are going to pay back the bank,when the good arrived use your profit then to settle who ever that lend you money,then aquire for another supply but this time without saking a loan from the bank and about my money you will pay me back sixty percent and keep the remaining forty

Emma was so surprised to hear that,he thanked chidi so much,

Chidi :come on emma you are my friend and if i can't help you out in this it won't be fair of me,i want you to be more then what you are today,and i believe with this you can push through, so stop all this,you have always been my back bone and you have risk your life for me back then in school i think this is the time to pay you back.

Emma was very grateful,he didn't know how to appreciate what chidi was about to do for him,who could ever thought that the good you did in the past could till be remembered.

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Blowjob Etiquettes for Women by a Male


1. First of all, yes you’re obligated to do it. If you don’t, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.


2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.


3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word “queef” mean anything to you?


4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don’t worry about it and be thankful I’m not pulling your hair.


5. When you’re on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!


6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.


7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.


8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.


9. Play with the balls.


10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we’ve had better.


11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!


12. Make hay when the sun shines. it’s “wide awake” in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it’ll be sound asleep.


13. If you swallow, then you don’t have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?Related

Engagement is when a man promises to
marry a woman in a few months... Not when he puts a ring on her finger
and scares other men away for the next
five years. that is witchcraft!


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-04-08 22:18:58

331 Views



FUNNY BOYFRIEND [Read it]


A girl was passing by,nd saw her boy friend standing by the A.T.M machine,she immediately hide nd sent a romantic text to him "Honey if you are sleeping right now send me your dream,if you are laughing,send me your laughter.if you are eating,send me some food.if you are withdrawing from the A.T.M,send me some money.Her boyfriend replies; i'm in the toilet what should i send.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-05-26 11:17:01

1019 Views



Monkey and lion [Read it]


A monkey goes to meet a lion and insults him:"u're stupid, you fool, coward! catch me if u can". but the lion didn't say anything and the monkey added idiot, jerk, lazy man. then the lion replied "do u think i am not aware that u have ebola? please go away!!!!


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2014-09-09 23:00:35

77 Views



story story [Read it]


SHOCKING STORY OF A GIRL
NAMED AMINA
On that fateful day, Amina was on
her way to school when a motor
cycle
knocked her down! She was rushed
to a nearby hospital immediately.
That night in her dream, an old
woman, in a white garment, appeared
to her and
warned her sternly, saying, "As soon
as you are discharged from the
hospital,
you must wash the blood stains from
that cloth you wore that day you
were involved in an accident
otherwise something terrible may
happen to YOU!"
Amina thought it was just an ordinary
dream not until she saw the same
old woman in her dream again and
again and again... telling her to wash
the blood stains from the cloth.
This time, Amina was frightened and
told her mother the dream. Her
mother simply told her to do exactly
as she was told.
The moment Amina got home from
the hospital that very day she was
discharged, she soaked the cloth and
started washing. She washed and
washed but there was still a bit of
bloodstain on the cloth because the
blood stains had dried already. She
got tired and rinsed the cloth like
that. It was a white gown.
That night in her dream, the same
old woman appeared to her again
and told her to wash the cloth very
well that there was still bloodstains
on it which may cause something
terrible to happen to her. When
Amina woke up, she checked
the time, it was 4:00am, everywhere
was still dark. She was consumed by
fear! And because she was afraid of
the old woman's caution, she got up,
took the cloth and started washing.
She scrubbed it so hard that it felt
like it was going to tear. Amina was
scrubbing the cloth so hard that
tears almost started dropping from
her eyes when all of a sudden,
someone tapped her from behind.
She turned and behold, the old
woman in her dream had appeared to
her in
real life! Fearful, Amina got up to run
but fell down. The old woman drew
closer to Amina and said softly,
>
>
>
>
>
"Henceforth! Use ARIEL detergent to
do your washings."


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-08-20 00:51:42

251 Views




On summer vacation, Jaime and her son, Andy, went to visit Jaime’s Uncle George who owned a nice farm. While there, Uncle George was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four-year-old Great Nephew, Andy, standing at the fence, wide-eyed and soaking in the whole event.


Uncle George thought to himself: “Great, now I’m gonna have to explain the ‘birds and bees’ to him. Well, no need to jump the gun. I’ll just wait and see if he has any questions, and I’ll just answer them as best I can.”


After he finished helping the cow with her birthing, he walked over to Andy and asked him, “Do you have any questions about what you seen here tonight?”


“Just one,” the little boy whispered, eyes still wide with wonder. “How fast was that calf going when he hit the cow?”Related

It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it.

~ Lou HoltzRelated

Funny Naija questions and answers.
1.I travel for over six days….as I just enta town….see wetin one boy ask me ‘””are u back”””‘ I was like ””no, I’m front”
2.My guy see twins come dey ask me; o boy na twins be this? Ans: no na picmix.
3.I was watching football nd a friend came and said ‘guy u dey watch ball’ well i tell am say i won pay their salary.
4.This one na question wey ppl dey ask me every morning::: Am like-good morning maam ! She’s like morning, you don wake? Am like -no , I still dey sleep
5.I called my ex….nd she said did u jus call my phone? I was lik no o I call ur battery.
6.My guy ask me were I was and I told him am in bank, he said Wat is happening there? I go uproot cassava
7.Opening the gates to drive out and my neighbour asks me. U dey comot? No, na me be the new gateman.
8.I dey watch film… my guy enta come ask me na film u dey watch noo I dey worship TV.
9.Seeing me eating indomie com ask na Wetin u dey chop? na gen rope 2geda wit charger wire. Chai!
10.One aboki been ask me say Na who Host brazil 2014?? I tell am say na Lokoja. Him com agree. Hehehe.
11.U see gen dey on still dey ask una on gen? Nooo, na gen on us, com plug ur charger For my nose.
12.My guy saw me, and he foolishly ask me guy na you be that??. I was like no o na my Grand father wey he young
13.A game freak was passionately tapping his PSP n his galfrnd said. U dey play game? Him reply wit anger... I dey practice hw 2 press breast.
14.I mistakely cut my thumb wit razor n my frnd asks... Y u come cut ursef na? I say my blood too mch I wan reduce am IDIOT!
15.Me n my frnd dey argue him com say u dey talk 2 me, I say nooo, I dey talk to the spirit of our great grand parents.
16.Abeg make una no vex ooo, na FACEBOOK be this? —


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-05-06 16:15:46

1692 Views




A Pastor wife keeps cats on the church premises… One evening a cat went missing. In church the next day, the Pastor wife asked: "Who HAS a pussy?" All the WOMEN got up… "No, I mean who has SEEN a PUSSY" All the MEN got up… "Eish...no, no, no…. I meant… who has seen a Pussy that isn`t THEIRS?" More than half of the CHURCH MEN got up. "Ohhhh for goodness sake!! Who has seen MY pussy?!" All the CHOIR Boys gotup…. The Pastor fainted. The Pastor"s wife shouted "It`s a lost CAT you f??king pieces of sticks


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-01-21 21:47:48

3025 Views



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