Unlimited Jokes and Funny Moments:


I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.

~ Albert EinsteinRelated

the Desert [Read it]


Akpos is right back from school, tired and hungry:

MOTHER: Akpos, you are back?
AKPOS: Yes mum.
MOTHER: What were you taught in school today?
AKPOS: Agriculture.
MOTHER: Which topic?
AKPOS: The Desert!
MOTHER: What is a desert?
AKPOS: A desert is a barren area of land where plants or grasses hardly grow on.
MOTHER: Good boy. Give an example?
AKPOS: Dad's Head.



NAIRAJOKES.COM







2014-11-15 10:48:18

338 Views




Father: "Mumu! where is your report card?"
Akpos: "Am not with it"

Father: "Where is it"
Akpos: "My friend just borrowed it"
Father: "For what? Did you pass this term?".
Akpos: "No! He wants to use it to scare his parents."


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-06-16 15:34:16

529 Views




A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease.


“Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?”


“Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?”


“Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what’s the relationship between this and Mad Cow?”


“And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?”


“Mr. Brown, that’s interesting, but, what’s the point?”


“Lady, the point is this: if I’m playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn’t you go mad, too?”Related

FUEL SCARCITY [Read it]


ADVANTAGES OF FUEL SCARCITY IN
NIGERIA
1) Most compounds are noiseless because 'I
better pass my neighbour' generators are on
sabbatical leave.
2) Wives are happy because husbands who like
hanging out are now staying at home with the
family because drinks outside are not cold and
no fuel to drive out.
3) All the housewives are cooking good food
because no more Crunches and Mr Biggs,
4) Kids are reading their books since watching TV
needs fuel.
5) No more congestion in network since many
peoples phones are off.
6) Browsing & downloading is faster than before
cause not much people are online.
7) Everyone sleeps very early now, No more late
night movies.. Light no dey naa
There are MORE PRAYERS & less distractions
9) Parents are over-joyed because their children
that were always online now concentrates on
their studies
10) Even God Himself is very happy when he saw
people who haven't gone to church for months
and years going to church and staying for both
First and second services just to charge
their phones...
Enjoy Ur day.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-04-06 16:07:32

279 Views



three pastors [Read it]


Three pastors met and
agreed to
sincerely tell each other
their
problems, which must
be kept a secret
between the three of
them,
The first pastor
said: my problem is
money, i do steal even
from the church
offering, please pray for
me.
The second pastor;
mine is
woman Whenever i see
any woman, my
desire will be to go to
bed with her infact i
have slept with most
of the church(female)
members.
Turning to the third
pastor to hear his
problem: he started
crying
(it took his
friends some effort to
calm him),
When they
asked him to continue,
he was still crying, he
said, my problem is
gossiping, when we
leave
this place, everybody
will hear all what the
two of you have just
told me, please pray for
me.
(the two pastors
collapsed)



NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-08-26 07:28:57

641 Views




akpan was driving down the street when akpos the police
stoped his car and immediately opened the door enter and
jammed it. As usual he wanted to collect "EGUNJE" money
from akpan...
Then suddenly he saw a big grown dog at the back seat with
tongue sticking out angrily staring fiercely at him. Akpos:
[feeling uncomfortable] na where una come dey come from?
Akpan: from hospital.
Akpos: [feeling uneasy] ehen! You sick?
Akpan: no, na the dog oo!
Akpos: [looks back] why the dog come dey shake im head
like dat?
Akpan: oh like dat? If d dog wan bite person, na so e dey
shake head.
Akpos: and d dog knw you?
Akpan: ehe nah no be me get am?
Akpos: [sweating] this ur door hw u dey open am?
Akpan: open it nah, abi u no knw as u take enter?
Akpos: abeg! Na since i notice the dog i don dey try open
am.....
Oya hit like if u understand and share for more if u enjoyed
it!!! click and like


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-06-02 23:50:06

699 Views




EPISODE 28

I woke up the following morning thinking about the call from Marcus last night; I checked my phone to review my call history, then I realized it wasn’t a dream but real. I talked with Mirabel about it, she felt uncomfortable about it. I told her not to fret that he can’t do anything that’d make me bow.
We went to School and came back in the evening because a Lecturer shifted his period to 4.pm and made the day a stressful one. Later in the evening, I had a video chat with Ike (Mirabel’s cousin). The following conversation ensued after exchanging pleasantries.
Ike: So… are you earning on your own as a business student?
Me: Nope
Ike: Have you thought about the kind of business you want to engage in from now?
Me: Not yet, I’ll think about it more after school
Ike: Are you kidding? After school? So you’ll keep depending on your parents till you graduate?
Me: Seems so, I mean they’re capable
Ike: I’m not talking parental capability mahn! I stopped receiving a cent from my billionaire parents even before I got into college. I earned my first million dollars at age 19. Wake up mahn! You start your career and future now not after you start growing matured beards or something.
Me: Ok I’ll think about it
Ike: Do you have anything in mind?
Me: Hhmmm… not really
Ike: What about your passion or visions of life?
Me: I have them but they’re not something I can start with here in the University
Ike: Which are?
Me: Building a business empire in summary
Ike: That’d require a lot of capital to begin with as well
Me: Yea
Ike: And how do you intend to raise the capital to finance it after you graduate?
Me: **Speechless**
Ike: See what I’m saying? You need to be productive and career-focused from now then you begin your establishment after school
Me: Whoa… I come I never thought about this? Thanks a lot mahn; I’ll start thinking about it from today
Ike: Too late already
Me: What?
Ike: To me, you’re already late. Now look at this; you’re already in your second year and you have two years to graduate right?
Me: Yea
Ike: Ok now look it, before you think about what to do, before you start doing whatever it is you want to do and before you start earning handsomely? Two years won’t be enough believe me
Me: So what do you think I should do?
Ike: Good! I’ve decided on handing over the ownership of one of my top-earning websites to you to begin with**Smiling**
Me: Really?
Ike: Yea
Me: Whoa… that’s awesome, thanks a lot
Ike: The market price of the site is worth $2.7 million
**Both my eyes and my mouth opened up wide in shock**
Ike: **Continued** you earn a monthly income of about $24,000 even more as much as you manage it well
Me: For real?!
Ike: Yea and I’ll partner with you for the next six months with no benefit so I can be able to put you through on how you can run the site effectively.
Me: Thanks so much bro, I really appreciate this; I really can’t thank you enough
Ike: Come on mahn, I’ve empowered so many youths I don’t even know; besides being my sister’s boyfriend, you’re also my friend Ok? So just chill and start preparing for your future
Me: This is great; I shall forever be grateful for this favor
Ike: It’s okay…you will have to text me your email address so I’ll send everything you’ll need to know about the site and how to run it and I’ll also arrange how you’ll be getting your money.
Me: Ok bro, I’ll do that right away
I texted him my email address without wasting time; then I started thinking about it with excitement and astonishment. If I should save such kind of income in three years, I know what I’ll get.
My future is sure! Vames Empire On The Way!! I screamed out loud. I couldn’t even eat that night. I bought suya and ate it with hollandia yoghurt.
I woke up the following morning and the first thing that came into my mind was my new source of income. I couldn’t even focus on my morning reading because of it and we have test that day.
Later in school, I told Mirabel about Ike’s offer; she was happy for me. She called her cousin that moment to appreciate him. After the test, we had another lecture before rounding up for the day. I was so eager to go home; even when I was in the lecture hall, business ideas kept roaming through my head.
I had to drop by an eatery to buy something to eat because Nancy remained in school; she has lecture. On reaching the house, I had to drop down and open the gate as no one was around. I drove in, alighted from the car to go and close the gate only for me to turn around and saw someone with a big scar on his fore-head.
Intruder: Hi, I’m Marcus **Gbow!!**
He accompanied the introduction with a punch straight to my nose; I shifted backward but another intruder behind me pushed me forward to receive a kick from Marcus, but I pushed his (Marcus) leg away. I quickly turned around with a punch hit to the face of the guy behind me – he shifted backwards as well. Two other guys came along to get me down. On seeing them, I adjusted a little to balance myself while they rushed me with punches from all angles till I fell to the ground.
While on the ground, I tightened my fist then rose up and hit one of them straight to the jaw (Uppercut) he went down; I hit another one on the chest before Marcus gave me a super-kick from behind then the force from kick prompted me to head the guy in front of me on his nose before we both fell down. I quickly got up and ran towards Marcus with rage. We engaged in a fist fight. He was very muscular and strong but I didn’t care about it that moment because I fight with anger and I won’t stop until my opponent goes down or something else happens. The other guys dragged me back from him but I shook them off with all my strength and went back to face their leader. I came extremely hard on him this time with a push that got him down; then I pounced on him punching his face as if I was crazy that I totally forgot about the other guys he came with until a heavy plank wood landed on my head and send me off to the other side of the ground. I held my head in pain for many minutes.
Marcus: I warned you! You got lucky that I even gave you a chance; but still you didn’t adhere to my warnings motherf*cka! This is what you get for being a coward!! What you gon’ do now? Common get up and face me! Why can’t you?! You think you’re a tough guy huh? huh?!! Answer me mother*cker! **Kicking me**
Marcus: Guys?
Guys: Yes boss!
Marcus: You know what to do with him **Walking away**
On hearing that, I prayed a fast prayer to God in my mind for mercy and I also declared that I will not die but live and accomplish my life-mission on earth! I started gaining strength while praying before the three guys came closer to me. The first guy that touched me got it back from me as I kicked hard against his penis while I was still on the ground before I quickly stood with my pen and stabbed the second one on his shoulder as he was about to bend down. The third one came hard on me but didn’t get me as I blinded his eyes with a strong slap and punched his stomach continuously till he fell down. Then I ran towards Marcus who was standing before the opened-gate watching the action. On getting closer to him, I suddenly stopped when he brought out a gun and pointed it straight to my skull.
Marcus: Step back!
**I moved a step backward**
Marcus: Now get into the f*cking house! Where you’ll die slow motherf*cker… hahahahaha
**I hesitated thinking of a way of getting his gun**
Marcus: Get in motherf*cker!!
Me: Then what will you do? Kill me? For what? For a girl you have no chance with? Go ahead and kill me!
Marcus: Of course I will kill you. She has loved me more than she ever loved you!
Me: That’s a lie and you it! Your relationship with her didn’t even last for a month
Marcus: Doesn’t matter, she still loves me; you’re the problem for us not coming back together. So with you outta the way…? She’ll crawl back to me!
Me: That’s never going to happen!
Marcus: Maybe not, buh I don’t mind trying or is there harm in trial?
Me: Killing me won’t bring Mirabel back to you; she knows how monstrous you’ve turned into
Marcus: You know… I discovered that, it was only you she had date after me right? So getting her back won’t be much of a problem
Me: She will never get back to yo…
Marcus: **Cuts in** Shut tha fuck up! Now turn around!!
****
Marcus: Turn around you mother*cker!!
Voice: Drop your weapon!
He got distracted when he faced where the voice came from. I didn’t bother to know whose voice it was; I grabbed the opportunity by attacking him with a spear (Those who watch wrestling like WWE will understand what Spear Attack means) the gun fell off his hand then I rushed to get it and pointed it at him while he was still on the ground groaning. Then I saw Police men coming to the scene.
Police: You drop the gun! **talking to me**
Mirabel: He is the victim here officer!
I dropped the gun; one of the Police men collected it from the ground and handcuffed Marcus. I showed them the other three guys behind my car and they arrested four of them.
The Police told me to visit the station tomorrow to write my statement of which I promised to show up. Then they zoomed off. Mirabel was already hugging me.
Mirabel: Are you Ok?
Me: Yea…I’m still alive **Smiling**
Mirabel: Stop joking **Hits my chest** It’s a good thing that we didn’t come too late
Vincent: But bro, how come those guys are also wounded? What happened here?
Dax: I’m shocked myself, how did you do it Vickey?
Mirabel: You guys should let him get medical attention first before questioning him na. But baby how did you managed to…you know…what really happened?
Me: You guys don’t expect me to stay and watch some guys kill me without fighting back right? It will be nicer if you guys can get me a first aid box or something. I need to call Nancy to know if she’s Ok
Vincent: I will do that!
**I turned to look at him somehow suspicious**
Vincent: I meant the First aid stuff **Sounded suspiciously**
Me: Hhmmmm…
I dialed Nancy’s line when going inside; she said she’s fine, that she’s on her way.
Me: I appreciate you guys for the help; thank you guys
Vincent: You’re welcome bro
Dax: We got your back
Me: But how did you guys know that I was in danger? I was surprised
Mirabel: Well…it was from school I sighted Marcus from afar when he sent one guy to call me of which I ignored. I kept an eye on him to see his reaction. When you announced your departure and left, I saw him also stood up with his gangs and left too after some seconds of your departure. I dialed your number multiple times to inform you maybe they were after you but you didn’t pick up.
Me: Yea…I put it silent during the lectures and forgot to remove it from silent
Mirabel: Okay…I got worried; then I informed Dax and Vincent about it before we drove to the police station in the town, we got some police men and hurried here.
Me: Thanks a lot; you saved me from that psychotic obsessed fellow.
Vincent: So…your own side of the story bro; what happened here? How did you manage to…to to…injure them too?
Nancy interrupted with a knock on the gate; Vincent offered to open the gate. She asked what happened to me as soon as she saw me. I told them everything that happened, the scenes, the action and all except the last conversation between me and Marcus.
Mirabel’s mother – the first lady called me later in the evening to greet me about what happened; Mirabel told her. I saved her number after the call and started calling her from time to time. Mirabel call my mother almost every day as well.


TO BE CONTINUED


NAIRAJOKES.COM




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HEIGHT OF NONSENSE..

.

.

GIRL:” Ye lo pendrive, isme

FACEBOOK daal do..

.

.

Boy gave a surprised look

to

the girl..

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

GIRL:” Kya hua , 2GB me nahi

ayega kya ???

Hahahaha Boys Thoko Lyk….Related

Corruption [Read it]


The following conversation ensued between Akpos and his teacher in class:

Teacher: One day Nigeria will be corruption free. What tense is that?

AKPOS: Future Impossible Tense!



NAIRAJOKES.COM







2014-11-14 12:48:16

139 Views




On a crowded bus, Banta noticed that Santa had his eyes closed. “What’s the matter? Are you sick?” he asked.
“No, I’m okay. It’s just that I hate to see old ladies standing”, replied Santa.Related

Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A small part of me says yes.

-Stewart FrancisRelated

A girl Fell from 80th floor
building,
A boy caught her on 65th floor
and asked her…
will u hug me…?
She replied.., of course not… he dropped
her. ……….. she was
caught on 30th floor by
another boy….
He asked her, will u kiss me..?
no not at all, she replied
he dropped her too.. she prayed for a last
chance
when a boy held her on the 20th
floor.
she immediately said…
ok i will hug u and kiss u..
The boy dropped her saying Awusubilai !! I
am fasting…


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-08-29 15:50:58

1949 Views



Bad day guy [Read it]


A guy went into a bar and told the barman to give him one shot of dry gin, the barman looked at him and said, having a bad day? The guy replyed: just found out that my brother is gay. The barman said: very sorry this first shot is on me, the guy drank it and left, a week later the same guy went to the same bar and said barman give me five shots of dry gin, the barman asked another bad day? The guy replyed: i just found out that my second brother is gay too, sorry said the barman, the first shot is on me, the guy drank it and left. A week later again the same guy went to the same bar and said barman give me ten shots of dry gin, the barman shouted and said dont anybody like women in your family? The guy replyed, and said, yes, my wife. The barman gave him the full bottle of dry gin and said its on me.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-01-22 23:48:43

271 Views




AWKWARD MOMENT JOKE BY DINDY (PART 9)
:.........
:..........
That awkward moment when your boss comes around, so you find something random to do so that he wouldn't think you're not working, but then he suspects and gives you a bigger work.
:.....
Boss walks in.
:.....
Boss: Dindy what do you think you're doing?.
Dindy: I'm washing the wall clock.
Boss: Good work.
Dindy: [smiling] thank you sir.
Boss: When you're done with that, take that broom and parker and sweep my office, the toilet.....in fact sweep everywhere.
:.....
Dindy fainted........
:......
DINDY WROTE THIS
Facebook username: Ossy Andy Nnamdi
Whatsapp/Viber: 07087750433
Watch out for part 10.







NAIRAJOKES.COM







2017-01-02 05:50:13

448 Views




Kanjoos(Miser) lawyer working in UK wrote to his wife in India .Dear Sunita Darling,I can’t send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected my Company’s performance, so I am sending 100 kisses.You are my sweetheart, please understand and adjust with this situation.Your loving husband,TunaHis wife replied..TINKU KE PAPPA,
Thanks for the 100 kisses.Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses…1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month’s milk.2. The electricity man, Kooldip Singh, agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.3. Your landlord Kapal Singh comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the monthly rent.4. Supermarket owner Jaswant Singh did not accept kisses only, so I gave him other items, I hope you understand.5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.Please don’t worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses andI hope I can survive the month using this balance.Shall I plan the same for the next month?Your Sweet Heart,SunitaRelated

Men have broad and large chests, and small narrow hips, and more understanding than women, who have but small and narrow breasts, and broad hips, to the end they should remain at home, sit still, keep house, and bear and bring up children.

-Martin LutherRelated

SLEEP DETECTOR [Read it]


This conversation ensued in a classroom between the lecturer and students
Teacherafter a drab lecture),I know you people were sleeping in my class
Studentsall),no sir you are wrong
Teacherangry),I am telling you that I know and you are saying that I am wrong or do you want me to prove it
Studentsall),yes sir prove it
Teacher:each time I heard the drop of a pen,I knew a student was sleeping
Just then as he finished talking,his pen fell down
Studentsall),hmmmmm.all burst into laughter.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-08-09 00:58:25

630 Views




[6:51 PM]: HEAVEN'S ENTRANCE EXAM A man dies and goes to Heaven. Saint Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says, "Ok, here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into Heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I'll award you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in." "Okay," the man says...."I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never once cheated on her, even in my heart." "That's wonderful," says Saint Peter, "That's worth three points!" - "Three points?" he asks. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithes and service." "Terrific!" says Saint Peter, "That's certainly worth a point." - "One point?!! Hey, I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans!" "Fantastic, that's good for two more points, " Saint Peter says. "Two points?!!" the man cries. "At this rate, the only way I'm going to get into Heaven is by the Grace of


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-08-16 00:19:20

657 Views




A Guy was called for an interview by Chevron
based on his performance while working for Shell.
The Interviewer
Akpos asked; What is your current pay at Shell
and what are you looking at with Chevron?
The Guy said; 9 Million Naira per annum plus
medical and other benefits. Considering the
position here in Chevron, I'd be looking at 20-22
Million Naira per annum, a status car, overseas
vacation and medicals.
Akpos said; Today is your lucky day! The position
comes with 35 Million Naira per annum salary,
2014 Range Rover Sport as official car, Mercedes
Benz S65 AMG as status car, overseas medical
treatment. A fully furnished house in Lekki, health
insurance for your wife and children, 2 houses to
be built for you in any town of your choice and in
your village, annual overseas vacation for you and
your family fully-paid first class, 2 Million Naira
wardrobe allowance per annum, cook, steward
and 2 drivers, country club membership, and you
are entitled to keep all that the company gives you
if you put in just 3 years of service. The Guy in
bewildered excitement exclaimed; Haaaa! Sir, you
must be joking.
Akpos said; Of course I am joking. Were you not
the one that started it?


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-06-15 15:39:30

325 Views



A Little Advise [Read it]


A Little Advise To All Men Who Want Long, Happy Marriages....
.
Create a working formula on decision making.
And because, you are the man and the head of the house, take decisions on bigger issues, whereas your wife, decides on smaller issues. Do not interfere in each other decisions.
.
Smaller issues like:
• How many kids to have
• The neighborhood to live in
• How much money you should save
• Which car to buy
• When and where to visit
• Monthly expenses
• The sofa, refrigerator to buy
• Whether to keep a maid or not
• Where to go for holidays
• Whose mum you should visit, etc...
Should be decided by your wife, just agree to it.
.
Your decisions are only for very big issues like:
• Whether America should attack Iran
• Whether Britain should lift sanctions against Zimbabwe
• How to fully exploit Africa's economic and intellectual potential
• Whether Arsenal needs to buy new players or change their coach, etc.
.
Trust me, Your wife will never object to any of these decisions and you will live happily!


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-03-18 12:32:02

277 Views




My daddy told me that this was the last Jamb
that he will register me for, because the
other 8 Jamb i had written were nothing to
write home about.
The girl I sat with in this one was very fine
and a runs girl, within 5 minutes answers had
entered her phone, she then told not to
worry, we’ll use them together. Within 30
minutes she was through and gave me to
copy. As a sharp warri boy i spent 15 minutes
to copy. We then submited and went outside.
She started gisting. I said, Thank you very
much, please what is your name sef. She
replied, Lilian! I said, Nice name, i’m Ofego.
She said, Cool, so Ofego why do you want to
study Medicine? I replied, No o, it’s Theatre
Arts i want to study o. She said, Ha, but the
answers i gave you are for Medicine o. I said,
My courses are Literature, C.R.S, History and
English. She said, The answers i gave you are
for Maths, Physics, Biology and English.







NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-06-03 18:42:13

608 Views




WhatsApp: 2347060981481
Email: [email protected]
Author: VictVames

Me: And I got the torture of my life. I was kept
in their quarter guard for five days and I get to
eat once on each day.
Mirabel: That's cruel
Me: U have no idea,,,, My breakfast was 25
strokes of their whip. And my dinner was 20
strokes. I only ate in the afternoon like a pig
Mirabel: Geez!
Me: I wish that was all
Mirabel: What else did they do to u?
Me: Hhmmm.... God is great
Mirabel: I know He's great, but what else
happened to u?
Me: They tied me to a rope Unclad,,,
Christina's mother brought in one of her
colleague. A young soldier girl to to to to,,,
gosh!
Mirabel: To what?!
Me: To caress little vame so it will rise up
Mirabel: Why?
Me: Just listen... it was difficult for them to
make it rise because of the tension.
Unfortunately, little vame gave up when it
couldn't take it anymore.
Mirabel: What happened next?
Me: Hhmmm... God is great
Mirabel: Tell me nah...
Me: As soon as it rose up, She inserted a
needle into it
Mirabel: Oh my God!
Me: That was what i screamed too but got a
thunderous slap to shut me up. I got a mighty
slap whenever i screamed or even opened my
mouth in pain.
Mirabel: Oh my poor baby.… that was horrible
Me: I hated life when they finally released
me... I felt like dying. I was so traumatized...
Mirabel: I'm really sorry dear,,, u went through
a lot
Me: Yes dear,,,, a lot
Mirabel: Well, that's in the past now but it
might happen again if u try to do something
silly to me
Me: What?
Mirabel: I was just kidding **laughs**
Me: It better be
Mirabel: But it won't be a joke if u break my
heart
Me: U know i will never do that, i'm even
scared of losing u
Mirabel: Really?
Me: Of course dear,,,, u can't imagine how
happy i am whenever i'm with u
Mirabel: Ok hold it there,,, u want to make me
forget all what u did huh?
Me: But they're all in the past na
Mirabel: Yea i know, but i want to know about
it.... so who became your next victim?
Me: Victim? Are u kidding??
Mirabel: **Laughing** What...?
Me: Of course there wasn't any victim again.
That was how i got delivered from my bad
ways. Then the Church completed the
remaining process of transforming me into a
better person. And the deliverance was a good
one that i started to be afraid of girls, until i
found u.
Mirabel: Well, God has his ways for arresting
bad people. I would never have believed if
someone had told me about your past. U
know, I'm really impressed u gathered the
courage to tell me all these. I believe u, and
u've earned more of my trust.... from 97% to
99.9%
Me: What about the remaining percentage na?
Mirabel: U don't worry about that.
Me: Hhmmm.... mouth closed
Mirabel: So,,, How do u feel being the
boyfriend of the president's daughter?
Me: I feel great,,, its a great opportunity.
Whenever the thought of dating the
President's Daughter occur to me, I feel like
i'm imagining the impossible. I always say
"wow" over and over whenever i thought about
u. U know, its amazing, i feel blessed and
favoured by God. And I'm very happy, not just
because u are the President's Daughter but
because of who u are. U are very sweet and
loving
Mirabel: Hhmmm...
Me: Adorable...
Mirabel: Hhmmm...
Me: Stunning...
Mirabel: Hhmmm...
Me: Gorgeous...
Mirabel: Hhmmm...
Me: Good mannered, sweet and cool
Mirabel: Hhmmm...
Me: Cute smiles and naturally filtered soft
spoken voice...
Mirabel: **Laughs** Hhmmm...
Me: Amazingly hot...
Mirabel: Hhmmm...
Me: Super succulent lips...
Mirabel: Hhmmm...
Me: And extremely BEAUTIFUL!
Mirabel: Hhm hmmmm.... wow! U are so sweet
honey... i believe and trust u. I so much love u
Me: I love u more sweetheart
**We Kissed**
**Kissed**
**Kissed**
**Kissed**
**Kissed**
And
**Kissed**
Me: Seems I won't be leaving here tonight, its
11:16pm already
Mirabel: I thought u will try to leave na, i
would have called my guard Frank to press u
Me: U can't even try it
Mirabel: Why do u think so?
Me: I know u wouldn't like to see me get hurt
Mirabel: Hhmmm... quite true,,, lets go in jare
Me: I will need yoghurt o,,, hope u still have
hollandia yoghurt in the fridge?
Mirabel: Of course! I got them all for u
Me: Thanks sweetheart
Mirabel: Alright, lemme rush to have a quick
shower.
I got myself a chilled hollandia yoghurt, took
my time to finish it before joining her in the
bedroom.
Me: U are done already
Mirabel: Yeap
She laid on the bed with her night gown,
pressing her iphone. She dropped it when i
joined her in the bed.
Mirabel: Dear, don't u think, uhmmm drinking
too much yoghurt more often might affect u?
Me: How so?
Mirabel: U dunno?
Me: No I don't, I love yoghurts especially that
of hollandia.
Mirabel: It might affect your sex performance,
low sperm count and even quick expulsion.
Me: Serious?
Mirabel: Yea, u can do your research,,, Google
is there for u
Me: Hhmmm,,, but i can't stop drinking it
Mirabel: Well u can adjust,,, u drink it too
much,,, please adjust
Me: Ok dear, I will try
**Silence**
Mirabel: Are u sleeping already?
Me: Nop
She drew close, resting her head on my chest.
Mirabel: Talk to me **sleepy tone**
Me: About what?
Mirabel: Anything from u
Me: OK uhmmm....
Mirabel: **sighed**
Me: U know,,, the first day i saw u, that
morning in front of the lecture hall, my heart
shifted to an impossible position. My brain
instantly saved your image to a secure folder
in my heart. Your voice started ringing in my
brain. Although, I thought u were an arrogant
snub at first. But then, my heart later objected
to the thought and started a serious argument
with my mind. But my heart prevailed and won
my mind to its side. That's how my heart and
my mind focused on u Mirabel. U are my first
love, my heart point, my heart beat, my heart
warmer, my thinking focus, my source of joy
and happiness. Like files & folders,,,, U are the
only girl saved in my heart folder. And I love u
so much.
There's something I want to u about your
friend Lola, she's been tempting me to sleep
with her,,, and i can't do such, please do
something about it, talk to her.
**Silence**
Me: Will u?
**Silence**
Me: Are u sleeping already?
**Silence**
Me: Mirabel?
**Silence**
Me: Mirabel...?
Mirabel: Ummmm (sleeping)
Me: Oh, sorry for disturbing u,,,, please
continue sleeping.
Chai! She didn't hear me oh... I really need to
tell her. She needs to know 'coz i really don't
want to lose her for anything silly.
??? ??? ??? ???
Mirabel: Honey wake up!
Me: **sleepy tone** Why na? Its still early and
exam is 12 pm
Mirabel: But we need to go to school early to
study with Promise
Me: I know but....
Mirabel: But what? Stand up breakfast is
served,,, fried plantain, egg and custard
Me: Really?
Mirabel: Yes
Me: Alright, let's go
We ate, before we prepared for school.
Promise even called to remind us of coming
early. We drove in my car headed to school.
Mirabel: Sweetheart...
Me: Yes babe
Mirabel: I dunno if it was a dream but it so
sounded real
Me: What is it dear?
Mirabel: I heard u saying sweet things last
night and i was smiling and blushing in my
heart. Then i later heard u said something
horrible, i couldn't grab it though but it
sounded horrible,,,, what did u say love??
My heart kicked up that moment like an
ignited generator.
SO,,,,

?Should I tell her again?
?What would be her reaction?
?Would she believe me?
?Or did she actually heard me and pretended
not to hear?
?What should I do

??? TO BE UPDATED LATER???

>>

When nobody luvs u,

nobody cares 4 u,

nobody think about u,

every1 ignores u,

then go n sit in the corner close ur eyes n think:












Bhanch*d Chakar kya hai?Related

Wise Akpos [Read it]


TEACHER: anything you cannot see,touch and feel does not exist. Example, can u see God?
MUDA: NO
TEACHER: Can you touch God?
MUDA: NO
TEACHER: Can you feel God?
MUUDA: NO
TEACHER: This means There is no God. Can anybody give me any other example?
AKPOS: Yes Ma,
TEACHER: Go ahead
AKPOS (AKPOS faces the teacher)
AKPOS: Can you see your brain?
TEACHER: NO,
AKPOS: Can you touch your brain?
TEACHER:NO,
AKPOS: Can you feel your brain?
TEACHER: NO,
AKPOS:Therefore , YOU HAVE NO BRAIN.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-05-25 20:28:32

1070 Views




Akpos lost his house rent money of 200 dollars and have been searching for it all day with no break through. He then sit to pray, "God, if you help me l will give you 100 dollars..." 


Now after an hour of continuous searching he saw 100 dollars.


"Ahan na...Baba, you already take your share?"


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-04-21 18:50:19

238 Views



MY COUNTRY 9ja [Read it]


(1) Where ladies don't accept
flowers
for valentine or birthday gift, but
prefer Murtala Mohammed Head.
(2) Where lizards go look your eyeball,
nod head and say "notin dey
happen
guy"
(3) Where a blind beggar will
reject a fake naira note.
(4) Where Groundnuts are sold in
Bottles & Waters sold in Satchets.
(5) Where parents claim they
always
came first position in school.
(6) Where You Can Be A Driver
For
Years Without A 'DRIVER's
LICENCE'
(7) Where Presidents and other
government officials don't knowthe
national anthem.
]
(9) Where Gala and Lacasera is the
best option when stuck in traffic
jams
(hold up).
(10) Where you are jailed for
stealing Maggi and yam and others given
a
chieftancy title for stealing
billions and
Front row seat in churches.
(11) Where we fight for everything. To
gain admission to university, to
get a
job and to enter a bus!
(12) Where you are robbed of
your phone and the robbers come
back for
your Pin code and the charger.
(14) Where your type of
GENERATOR
shows how RICH you are.
(15) Where you can easily blame
your
not been successful on family members
in the village.
(16) Where rich men must have a
pot
belly, and a healthy looking, slim
Man is despised in the street as a
pauper.
(17) Where if you where do
anyhow you
see anyhow.
(1 Where generator is a social amenity.
(19) Where people dey collect
change
for beggar hand.
(20) Where People produce
Toyota Camry jeans and Dr. Dre slippers
We are always proud to be called Nigerians despite all
these odds. I L ? ? NIGERIA WITH PASSION.
What about Urs
Keep the fun rolling



NAIRAJOKES.COM







2014-11-14 14:14:28

235 Views




Akpos: "who is the minister of
education?"
Children: "Mrs Dame Patience
Jonathan"
Akpos: "who is CBN governor?" Children: "Aliko Dangote"
Akpos; "who is the minister for
information?".
Children: "Mike Adenuga"
Akpos; "who is the minister for
sports. Children: "Stephen keshi".
Akpos: "Correct! who composed the
national anthem of Nigeria"
Children: "wizkid"
Akpos: "correct" what is 2+5?
Children: "25" Akpos:- "correct"
Akpos:- "what is the capital of
Nigeria?"
Children: "Abia-umuahia "
Akpos: "correct, Who is d president
of nigeria?". Children. "General Muhammadu
Buhari"
Akpos:. "Correct! Who stopped the
killing of twins".
Children: "Psquare"
Akpos: "correct! who is the minister for women affairs"
Children: "Genevieve Nnaji"
Akpos: "Correct, Who is d governor
of Anambra state?
Children. "Baba Tunde Fashola"
Akpos: "Correct!" Akpos:- "Good! Clap for yourselves...
(children claps) It's gonna Remain like
that until government increases my
salary!!!
ONE WORD FOR AKPOS.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-07-06 08:00:28

436 Views



The new couple [Read it]


Akpos and isabella was the latest couple in town one day they went out ,when they are passing one boutique issabella saw one cloths and ask akpos 2 gv her money 2 pay 4 d dress dat wot N10,000.'i 4got my purse at home'.she concluded.akpos bring out his wallet and bring out N140.'take this money and go back and bring ur purse'.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-06-06 18:50:19

926 Views




How I have been surviving fuel scarcity and lack of electricity:
Go to the nearby Bank, greet everyone, plug phone to charge,
Plug power bank, rechargeable fan,
Drink water from dispenser, sit enjoy AC, watch Buhari on CNN, then withdraw N1000 and thank the bank staff and return home.
The next day go and join queue to pay back the N1000 into your account. #Starry G.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-04-06 16:23:38

386 Views




ONE WRONG TURN
Episode 36

My parents and i got into my
dad’s car and started our journey
towards Hannah’s house. I was
already set for school, so I’d head
straight to school from there.
The atmosphere inside the vehicle
was very tense. My heart pounded,
i knew Hannah’s mum did not see
me all through the morning.
My dad on the other hand was
having a bit of a road rage, he
was getting repeated insults from
other drivers.
He was obviously upset, either by
my disappearance last night, or by
the fact that i slept with a boy.
My mum was completely different,
the expression on her face was
that of fear rather than anger.
She was clutching on to a rosary
in her hand, and doing the sign of
the cross repeatedly.
I sat quietly, feeling a little
anxious and worried as we
approached Hannah’s house.
My dad pulled over right outside
Hannah’s compound, i stretched
out to observe the compound
carefully.
I noticed a car parked inside, it
wasn’t there when i first came. I
guessed Hannah’s mum was back.
My parents got out of the car, and
we all walked into the compound,
straight towards the front door.
Just as my dad was about to
knock, the door swung open. It
was Hannah, all dressed for
school. Her mum was right behind
her.
“Good morning ma, morning sir”
she greeted, as soon as recognized
my parents.
“morning” my mum replied rather
coldly.
My dad did not respond, his
expression held a lot of bitterness.
He shot a cold disgusting gaze at
Hannah.
Hannah’s eyes met mine, she had
a blank expression on her face.
She was neither terrified by my
father’s cold gaze nor my mothers
emotionless response.
Her mother stood aloof, appearing
quite surprised and a little
uncomfortable with the expression
on my dad’s face.
“Mr and Mrs Imasuen, I’m sensing
all is not well” Hannah’s mum
said, alternating her gaze between
my dad and her daughter.
“did my daughter pass the night
here?” My dad questioned, in a
rather harsh and authoritative
tone, almost shouting.
“Mr Imaseun, please calm down, I
was away on night duty I didn’t
sleep here. My daughters were
alone.” She replied, trying to
pacify my dad.
“hannah, did Ella sleep here?” My
mum cut in, trying to prevent my
dad from speaking any further on
the issue.
“Yes she did” Hannah replied,
looking away from everyone with
a little smile hanging at the edge
of her lips.
The expression on my dad’s face
clearly showed that he did not
believe Hannah. Her mum could
see that expression too.
She called out to Hannah’s elder
sister, who ran out to meet us
immediately.
“did this girl sleep here?” She
asked, pointing at me.
Hannah’s sister nodded in
affirmation. My mum heaved a
sigh of relief, so did i.
Hannah’s sister’s response only
seemed to infuriate my dad more.
“How could you allow another
person’s child to sleep in your
house, how irresponsible are you?”
My dad shouted angrily, loud
enough to cause discomfort.
Hannah’s mother grew angry too
and replied in similar fashion.
“I just said i wasn’t at home, I’m
just coming in, and how dare you
call me irresponsible? You couldn’t
keep your daughter in your house,
and you want to blame me for
your failure as a father?. There
was a lot of venom in her voice.
“So you have the right to question
my parenting skills? When your
daughter is a prostitute?” My dad
vented, pointing at Hannah.
“At least my daughter slept in my
house while you were wondering
where yours was” Hannah’s
mother replied.
At this point, there was palpable
tension in the air, i felt really
embarrassed. Somehow i blamed
myself for everything.
My dad turned towards me
“You see the insult you have
brought to me you fool”? He
raised his hand to strike me as
usuall.
I docked, hoping to escape his
slap. Luckily, my mum caught his
hand in the air.
“papa Osas, please we have
embarrassed ourselves enough,
please let us go” she said as she
dragged my dad’s hand.
“Your daughter is a bad influence”
my dad continued.
“once again you are blaming
someone else for your parental
failure” Hannah’s mother replied.
My mum dragged him away
before he could spit more venom.
I tagged along with my parents.
They drove me off to school.
My dad kept insulting me all the
way, while my mum tried to calm
him down. Her sudden change of
attitude surprised me.
She wasn’t attacking me, she still
seemed very scared. But i couldn’t
ascertain the reason for her fear.
They Droped me off at school and
drove away.
***
As soon as the morning assembly
ended Ruth, Hannah , and I had a
rendevous. We discussed
everything that happened in the
last twelve hours or so.
I described my entire escapade
with Ehis, and they all sounded
really impressed. We shouted and
threw high fives in the air.
At that point, i remembered
Hannah had promised to give me
something today.
“so Hannah, you said you ll give
me something today.” I said
expectantly.
She reached into her pocket, and
handed me something i never
thought i would need.


>>

My watchman from Nepal said to me, “Syria ka Badshah Mar Gaya!”

I watched all the news channels but found no such news. When I went in the lawns after one hour, I learnt, “Chidiya ka Bacha Mar Gaya!”Related

Menstrual cramps have been know, in rare cases, to induce orgasmRelated

what do u think this man is doing?








NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-02-07 14:20:04

421 Views




Akpors was staggering home one night and decided to take shortcut through the cemetry and got shocked to see the place looking like a market with dead people buying and selling, He ran as fast he could to a house close to the cemetry and started banging on the door, A guy opened the door, Akpos was breathing heavily said; please give me water. Please give me water I am just coming from the cemetry where i saw dead people buying and selling, The guy replied; how could you passed the cemetry at this time of the night? Don`t you know that in the night nobody in this town passes through the cemetry. Even when i was alive i didn`t pass through the cemetry AKPOS TOOK TO HIS HEELS!!!


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-07-19 20:14:06

2682 Views




episode3

He claimed everything was true, his jaw dropped after realising my true identity. I only left him stranded and ever since, i never wished to see him. I was in my room when my mum called me on my cell. “Mum” i responded without any interest. “please assist him and tell him where to work on.” she said and hanged up. At that moment, i wished i had a twin or better still i had siblings. I got downstairs and realised he was working on a faulty light outside the main entrance. ” why don’t we get a house help?” i thought. That thought has never crossed my mind, not until i saw that guy again. I loved to do everything by myself and for that reason, i never agreed to my fathers suggestion of employing a house help. ” daddy, i will do the house chores myself, so long as i am available” i reasoned with my dad. He couldn’t stare at me. I was wearing shorts and round neck when i stood by him. Is he a shy type or i am in a way intimidating him?
I really hate intimidating people but i am good at that. For that reason i engaged him in a conversation to release the tension. I asked questions about everything and nothing in particular. He answered gladly and politely. ” why are you working? ” i finally asked when he got to the fault which was behind the building. “because my parents are not having the resources to sponsor everything i need. I have to pay my fees atimes and its not easy to come by money lately, so everything goes” he explained. I felt sorry for him, he looked so innocent, i thought. ” i think i should come back tomorrow” he suggested after attending to almost every faulty work needed to be done. I looked at him in horror. ” but what about my room?” i asked within me. He saw the way i stared at him but he didn’t understand a thing. “alright” i responded and went back into my room. I couldn’t sleep the whole night because i needed to enjoy electricity badly.
Fortunately or unfortunately Linda called to have a chat. Little did she know that i witnessed the s-x scandal with her guy. Come to think of it, was that really Joe? Don’t think so. ” i was at your place three days ago” i disclosed to her. “you don’t say. But i didn’t see you and i was available so how come?” she asked. “because you couldn’t stop shouting when he was bouncing on you like a fluffy ball” i yelled the words into her ears. I wasn’t angry that she was having s-x really, even though im not comfortable with that, but it wasn’t her fiancee. After realising that i saw everything, she pleaded with me not to let Joe hear about it. It wasn’t my business, was it? After the call with Linda, i began to ponder over the discussion i had with the engineer earlier. “should i help him? But he isn’t an orphan for me to give charity to and he isn’t begging either. Why am i even thinking about it?”

>>

1 --> If you download anything from the internet
and it fails at 90%.
2 --> If you buy a phone at 50K today and the
next
day the price
drops to 25K.
3 --> You go to the restaurant on your first date,
and after eating fish,
the bone chokes u!
4 --> After working for 30days, you get fired
without salary.
5 --> If you take expo to the exam hall and you
can't understand
your own handwriting.
6 --> If u chike a girl, take her to your room for
action and Junior
does not stand.
7 --> If after using a strong heavy perfume, your
body odour still
remains stronger than RAID!
8 --> If after photoshopping your picture, you still
look ugly.
9 --> If you Break-up with your Boyfriend and he
wins 100M the next
day.
10 --> If the person you were cursing out in
traffic
turns out to be
the one interviewing you for a Job.
11 --> If you lied to Armed Robbers that you don't
have a phone, Then the phone ringz with dis tune


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2014-12-21 06:36:53

389 Views



Dads picture [Read it]


A girl updates her Father's picture on BBM. 


Her friend pings her, "So you know this man too HE HATES USING CONDOMS!"


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-03-18 16:22:12

317 Views




Ahanna sold clothes at Oshodi market in Lagos.

He told Obinna that all he needed was just N30, 000 to start. He’d be travelling to Cotonou with him to buy the clothes.

‘Clothes are so cheap there [Cotonou] you’d wonder if they were made of sand,’ he said to Obinna. ‘But once you enter Lagos, you must shine your eyes. To survive, you must be as sharp-eyed as a hawk. I ga epu anya ka nkwo!’

Obinna had stayed quiet all the while Ahanna talked about Lagos, with a faint look anticipation on his face, as though afraid to show Ahanna how disturbed the stories about Lagos has made him.

Ahanna told him about Area Boys, ‘ndi nwe obodo’—street owners—as he described them, who sit in clusters all around the place causing mischief and extorting money from people, about the traffic that could hold one for hours, the omoniles’ who came to pull down people’s structures when they did not settle them for the land they bought.

Obinna’s jaw dropped when Ahanna mentioned this. ‘Chelukwa, nwanne—wait, brother, are you telling me that after buying land, you must settle some people before building on it?’

‘Dey there na!’ Ahanna said in pidgin.

Obinna understood his pidgin, but could not speak it. He thought Ahanna had learned it fast; it was barely three years he left Iruowelle for Lagos.

Then he saw Ahanna smile—grin actually— and immediately had the hope of hearing now the good things about Lagos, praying they far outweigh the near horrifying ones he’d already heard.

‘But ashi dey o!’ Ahanna said. He’d lowered his voice and Obinna knew whatever ashi meant would be bad.

‘What is ashi?’ He too had lowered his voice when he called ashi. They were in his house and although Mama Obinna was in the kitchen at the far end of the backyard, her good hearing was legendary.

‘Ashi na…ashawo dem!’

Finally, the horror slapped Obinna’s cavities open.

He’d heard the sickening tales of ashawos before— rotten girls who stood half-naked on the streets at night selling not leather or plastic, but their bodies.

He’d heard their stories from Father Jude during one of his soporific sermons, Mama Ozioma during a gossip about her young cousin who had just returned from Lagos wearing trousers, and then Teacher Nwokolo, and even Principal Eze at the Community Grammar School.

But it wasn’t the mentioning of prostitutes that got Obinna so very shocked, it was the large smile on Ahanna’s face when he said it, the show of great happiness, as though ashawos were a rare precious gift God has blessed Lagos with.

And now he began to wonder what Lagos really is, what it does to people.

Four years ago, Ahanna would never had as much as shown a single teeth at the mentioning of prostitutes.

He’d have pitched a long hiss and curse and curse. But now, with that smile, it was obvious, he too may have patronized them, or even be a regular customer.

Mama Obinna appeared with the tray. ‘Ngwa, food is ready,’ she said.

She used her foot to pull a stool nearby to their front. She placed the tray on it. ‘Let me bring water to wash your hands with.’

Ahanna rubbed his hands together. ‘Thank you, nne.’

Two plates sat relaxed on the tray. One, the flatter one, had a mound of fufu on it and the other, sizzling egwusi soup.

The vapour rising from the round plate steadily watered Ahanna’s mouth and the urge to start eating before Mama Obinna returned with the water nearly overpowered him.

But Obinna was not very much around. His mind bore a different thought, a heavy one.

‘So you have your own house in Lagos now?’ he asked Ahanna.

Ahanna grinned, the proud smile people used to accept praise. ‘It’s God, my brother.’

Obinna smiled and shook his head, impressed.

Ahanna wondered if Mama Obinna has gone to Ama-Oji to fetch the washing water.

Finally, the plump woman returned with a red bowl half filled with water.

Ahanna thrust his hand into the bowl before Mama Obinna could drop it on the table, carrying it from her.

Obinna watched him devour the fufu, one big ball after another.

Ahanna has dug away half of the whitish mound before Obinna finally washed his hands and joined him.

***

Ahanna’s face puckered as he tried to pick his teeth with a broom stick Mama Obinna had brought for him when he demanded for toothpick. ‘Nnaa, mehn, thanks for the food,” he said.

Obinna did not respond this time. This was the third time Ahanna would thank him for the food. Now, with a feeling of near dismay, he wondered if there was food in Lagos at all too.

‘So how big is your house?’ he asked.

‘Mm?’

‘Like how many rooms does it have?’

‘Rooms?’

‘Yes.’

‘Oh, rooms. You will see when we get there.’

Obinna inhaled deeply.

***

Adaku felt different.

For once in her life, she felt out of control. Emotions whirled up inside her in turbulent currents.

Emotions she hardly recognized, let alone knew how to tackle.

It was her Obinna that was leaving, leaving her to Lagos.

Now, all of Lagos she could picture was an enclosed space, room-size or a little larger, filled with women, women of all ages desperate for men, men like Obinna.

Handsome men. Tall men. Strong men. Men with a nice smile and beautifully-set eyes.

Now the door of the room open slowly and Obinna walked in.

The women screamed, running to him. In a matter of minutes, they had devoured him, leaving him unhealthily thin. Skeletal.

She shuddered and commanded herself to be still, to take charge and be in control. Like always.

But her inner strength obviously failed her, and a moment later she was deep in thought again.

Her mother’s voice jolted her back to life.

‘Ada!’

‘Adaku!’

‘Maa.’

‘So we won’t eat tonight, okwia?’

Even though Uchechi was at the other end of the compound, a sizable distance from the veranda where Adaku was sitting, her voice seemed to cause the ground below Adaku’s feet to vibrate.

Uchechi was a large woman. But because she was tall enough with proportional distribution of flesh, people did not easily call her fat. Adaku had her mother’s curves only shorter.

Uchechi often teased her that whoever was going to marry her would pay double for her bride price.

Whenever Uchechi said that, Adaku would picture herself tying a wrapper above her chest like a married woman, sweeping at Obinna’s compound or preparing his food, while humming gently to ‘Dim o - dim o - dim o!’

Her mother was coming close. ‘This girl, I said, won’t we eat tonight?’

‘Mama, we will.’

‘By sitting there all day holding your chin like someone whose suitors did not come as promised.’

Adaku’s eyes ran up to her mother.

‘The fire is not even up yet. Binie, go and make the fire and let me bring yam.’

She turned and started toward the barn. Adaku got up, untied the wrapper above her blue gown, tied it back firmer and dragged toward the kitchen.

‘Ugochi, bring me matches!’ she called.

‘I’m busy!’ Ugochi’s thin voice came from the sitting room.

‘If I meet you there, eh…if…’ Adaku had turned to head indoors when Ugochi appeared at the doorway with a box of matches, a big frown on her face.

Adaku jerked the matchbox from her. ‘Anu ofia—wild animal!’

Ugochi murmured something before turning back inside.

‘That’s your business! Hope the soup pot is clean otherwise that your pointy mouth will depart from you this evening.’

Later that night…

‘Papa, I need money for my JAMB form.’

Papa Adaku dropped his ball of yam fufu back into the soup and turned to his daughter. ‘JAMB form?’

Adaku nodded.

Now even Uchechi was staring at Adaku. ‘So what happened to marriage?’ she asked.

Ugochi laughed. ‘Obinna is travelling to the big city and now she suddenly remembers school.’

She was on to another laugh when Adaku’s palm met her cheek with tremendous force. The laughter died prematurely. Slowly, it was replaced by muffled sobbing.

Ekene started to laugh.

Ugochi tweaked his ears.

‘Ayi!’ the little boy groaned.

‘Ugochi, Ekene, go inside,’ Papa Adaku said.

He exchanged glances with his wife, that brief eye contact peculiar to parents that bore deep communication.

As the door banged shut behind Ugochi and her little brother, Adaku knew what must be done. ‘I’m sorry, Papa. I…’

‘Why do you suddenly change your mind?’ her father cut in.

Adaku was not happy. She’d preferred her father talked about it, scolded her or even punished her.

Gone were the days she enjoyed her father’s excessive indulgence.

She was an only child for long. Ugochi arrived when she was already seven, and Ekene two years after.

Even now that she was only some months to nineteen, she knew the connection she had with her father hadn’t changed any bit.

She had remained her father’s favourite.

That had been the reason when she told him that she’d want to get married first and then go to school from her husband’s house, with her husband, Mr. Onochie’s protest lasted only a few days.

He worked at the Local Government; he knew well about the importance of education. But he finally indulged his daughter, like was usual of him.

But now that Obinna has suddenly decided to change the earlier plans, Adaku couldn’t really fathom why she was not furious at him.

Why she had not stored hot water in a flask and then walk to his house and pour it on his head.

‘Adaku,’ her mother called.

‘Mama.’

Uchechi shifted so that she was now closer to her daughter. ‘Something is wrong. Gwam, what is it?’

‘Nothing, Mama.’ She folded her hands together. ‘I just want to go school.’

‘How much is the form?’ her father cut in, as was his quick manner of speech.

‘Four thousand five, Papa.’

‘Remind me tomorrow morning and I will give you the money.’

‘Papa, dalu.’

They finished their meal in silence.

Later that night, Uchechi knocked and entered her room. She tied her wrapper above her breasts and she smelled pleasantly of cream and talc. Her neck was white with it.

Adaku rose and shifted for her to sit.

‘Ada.’ She felt her forehead. ‘O eziokwu— is it true?’

‘What, Mama?’

‘That Obinna is travelling to the big city.’

She inhaled deeply. Her mother’s eyes remained on her. And she finally nodded.

And at that moment, the sadness hit her like a blow. She swallowed hard, but she didn’t push it down. It sprang back up her throat with great force and she began to cry. Her mother clutched her to herself.

‘Kwusi, inu—stop. Ozugo—it’s ok.’

They remained in embrace till her sobbing subsided. Her mother released her.

‘Everything will be fine,’ she told her as she rubbed off her tears. ‘All will be well.’

She kept nodding to each word, as though the more religiously she nodded would mean the more certain that her mother’s words came true; that all became fine.

Obinna would cancel his trip. That it was announced on the radio that Lagos has become too filled it could no longer accept any more people.

When her mother left, she lay back into the soft mattress and cried some more before drifting into the unawareness of sleep.



NAIRAJOKES.COM




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So my mum finally joined Facebook last
week and this
evening she started complaining to me.
She said, “Kai this Facebook registration dey
chop money o.”
“Mummy I no understand… how?” I asked.
She sighed and said: “Since wey I tell Aisha
your sister to
register me for Facebook, na so-so
money I dey spend.”
I was confused, I didn’t understand what my
mum was talking
about. But after a while I got a clue and then
asked: “Oh ok,
Mummy na MB dey chop your money?”
She raised eye brows and said: “Ah, which one
be MB nah? I
hope say I no go pay for that one o, because I
don pay 8k for
chatting permit, 10k for friend request fee, 3k
for posting fee, 6k
for profile picture permit and this evening
again, your sister don
talk say Facebook say make
I bring 5k for international Facebook passport.
Abdul, I don
tire! Na so una dey spend money for this
thing?”
Me i come say she go need
Facebook Verification Number (FVN) and that
one is 20k.
Merry Christmas and happy new year


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-12-29 10:55:33

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