Unlimited Jokes and Funny Moments:


Knowing that they’d have a sex scene in the movie ‘Titanic’, Kate Winslet flashed Leonardo DiCaprio the first time they met.Related

A Bengali lawyer came home after having sex in his car.

Girl forgot her bra n panty in car.

The wife found them, tore them up n shouted: U dirty bastard u hv been screwing ur secretary.

Without blinking an eyelid, lawyer shouted back. Bitch u hv just destroyed d only evidence of a high profile rape case I have been working on. U can now forget abt diamond necklace u were asking for,

Wife fell on her knees, crying & trying 2 repair d torn pieces & lawyer walked away wid a smile…

Moral:
Combodia’s
national fruit is Banana
and
India’s national business is
Chutia bananaRelated

Episodes:

I was carried away with amazement and before i knew it, Aminat had already pull out my deek from my boxer and started rubbing her hand on it, i was seriously enjoying it because she was backing the other guy so i didn’t even see what they were doing and i guess they were not seeing us too. She later drew my head closer with and started kissing me while i inserted my hand into her top, i was surprise Aminat was not even putting on bra, and for my mind i was like, if she’s not putting on bra, then what was the tendency that she will have her pant on, as if to confirm my curiosity, after fondling her breast for like 5 minutes playing with the tip of her nipples, i decided to move my hand downward to her bump short, i unhook the button and pull down the zip, what my hand felt was a newly shaved pussy of Aminat without pant on. I inserted my hand inside her, she was seriously wet already, i started digging my two middle fingers inside her, i could feel her moan even though the music was loud.
She released herself from me after like 10minutes of my finger inside her pussy, instructed me to wait a bit, that was when i look at my side and saw that the guy beside me was already screaming from the fuck his lady was giving to him, the light wont even let you know if someone was watching you or not and for the fact that wewere in a secluded corner of the room where the light rolling doesn’t touch fully aided the adventure.
She adjusted herself on my lap again, shifted her short a bit and sat on my deek, she was going up and down on me and i didn’t know when i started screaming just like the other guy too. She was going up and down and dancing on my lap with my deek inside her pussssy while my own hand was inside her top and i was playing with the tip of her nipple. Bode and the other guy came back after like another 10minutes of us in the position, in fact she was still on me when they came and she stood still just like that.
Bode came with a guy who brought something that look like a flask and a pipe attached to it just like what i saw earlier with that lady, the lady at the extreme suck part of it and pass it to the next guy beside her, that was how they passed it until it got to Amina that was sitting on my lap, she suck hers and put it in my mouth for me to try, i tried it, it entered my brain instantly as i released it and started coughing. Aminat pass it back again and continued with what she was doing by dancing on my lap.
Light was coming out of my eyes, water was coming out too, before i knew it, the pipe was already by my side again, i suck again and it was still the same response, Aminat was not ready to free me as she was now rocking me hard dancing to PSquare busy body na d Dbanj Why me on me, after the third attempt, i told Aminat that i was okay that am not taking again, she gave me drink to step down with it. My hardness had already come down too, and my deek was just resting on my jean, aminat moved forward a bit and i was able to put my deek inside and zip up, she pull up her zip and zip up too.
I started having headache, my head was tumbling and my body not the same again, i rested my head on the couch and I thought I had seen it all for the night until i saw Aminat and the lady we came with kissing each other, a passionate one for that matter and they were also playing with each other’s breast too, Bode on the other hand was playing with the other lady breast and inserting his hand in her pussy at interval, I was not bothered again as all what was on my mind was going home as i was not getting myself. Aminat gave me more drinks afterwards.
They finally said it was time for us to start going home, i didn’t even know the time, all i knew was that Aminat helped me to the car and we zoomed off. I woke up, checked the time on my phone and it was past eleven, i was seriously tired, beside me was Aminat but the next question was where are we? It was not my room neither was it Amina’s own, the room was a well furnished room, it was the best i ever entered as at that time.

>>

ALL FOR LOVE [Read it]


A guy and his girlfriend wanted to
commit suicide on the top of a 10
storey building so that God can officiate
their wedding in heaven. The plan was to jump off the building at
the same time at the count of three. So
after the count, the guy jumped off but
the girl didn't jump. She looked back
and said, "Though love is blind, I'm not
blind." She then walked away. As the guy got
to the air, he opened his parachute and
said, "Though I'm madly in love, but not
mad to die for love." Who's deceiving who?
#BOLLY_SMART ?? ? ? ? ? ??™


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-01-29 14:13:40

358 Views




How many words can you make from this letters
Letters for this game Are .... S? R? R? E? P? U? D?.....Let see who is smart pass.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-02-21 16:39:52

331 Views




The next week came and was about to submit my assignment to my HOC when I met the guy that copied my work the previous week. “Baba I don dey find you since,” he said to me. “Find me keh! Shey you wan arrest me?” I asked. He said he was looking for me to also copy my answers for the current assignment I had done. I laughed and told him I haven’t done it but will soon do it. He asked for my number and I told him my phone was stolen and I was yet to recover my sim card. He said his name was Uchenna. I told him mine. Well, he said he was going somewhere that he would come and check on me at that place. Immediately he left, I did the assignment. He came back some minutes later and did the usual “Copy and paste” too. He thanked me and left.
When I got back home to my empty room. I met some people in the room. I guessed they came to check out the room. I asked them and they said they indeed are checking out the room before making payments. Na so I come dey fear. “I had prayed and fasted for people not to pack into the room for the main time so as to give me opportunity to stay. But it seemed my prayers were far from answer.” According to the guy I met, if things works out, he would pay and move in the next week. “The accommodation had giving me too many worries, coupled that I have no money. Adaobi had been the one feeding me. Sometimes bola would give me N10 for my mancot transport to school.”
As I was busy thinking all that. I went outside and saw Uchenna passing by. He asked if that was the place I was staying. And I told him “yes,” He asked if I had done the new assignment given to us that day. I tell am say I never do am. Perhaps na typing work and I don’t have money, and the submission date was still a bit far. “But you know the procedures wella?” uchenna asked. “Ofcourse” I told him I knew it. He said he would come to see me the next day which was a Saturday.
The next day. Uchenna came, he met me outside. Na so the guy land my house with one guy like that. He and the guy was just teasing themselves. He was calling the guy Warri idol. Uchenna was hailing me. He was telling the guy that i am very intelligent. “This guy know book die. Na book full him head,” uchenna said referring to me. I laughed. Immediately they entered the empty room, “Chaaiii, na dis place you dey stay?” the other guy asked. “Yes ooo,” I replied. They thought I was just joking as they laughed. They cracked joke about it as they brought out their laptops from their bags. “Chaiii, these ones get lappy. Ordinary phone sef I no get,” I thought to myself. Both of them were funny guys. And I got to know the other guys name was Abisoko. Na im make Uchenna dey call am warri idol because he’s from Delta state. We did the assignment together. After about 4 hours at my place, when they were leaving, I decided to follow them to their house which was close to the school gate.
When we got there, it was a family house with 2 big rooms and a large parlour. Na there uchenna tell me say him mama na from Ogun state and his dad was from Arochukwu in Abia state. So the house he was staying was his late grandfather’s house(man that gave birth to his mother). So he no dey pay house rent. He stays in one room while Abisoko stays in the other room. Na only Abisoko dey pay for rent. Immediately, part of me asked me to tell him if he could help so I could come and squat with them. Another part of me said I shouldn’t, that I should just be calm and exercise patience. The other part of me that asked me to voice out my problems was like, “Gbadebo! You are a fool oo. You will soon die in silence and timidity. Tell this people you are looking for accommodation now so if they can help out.” I am a kind of person that likes observing people before moving close to them. I try to be careful. “But it looked as if two people in me were arguing and fighting, either for me to speak out or shut up.” Something in me said I shouldn’t be afraid, that this is school life and nothing was going to happen.
I obeyed my other voice that said I should keep calm. I stayed in their house and even slept off. When I woke up, it was some minutes past 10pm. The generator was on and uchenna and Abisoko were watching film with their various laptops. I told them I was going, they told me it was very late and I can’t find any car going to camp. They asked me to stay back and go the next morning. They even made me feel comfortable as they offered me food. Jellof rice and egg. Chaiii, and I dey terribly hungry. Na so I chop the thing oooo. As I dey chop the rice, something in me started talking. “You see wetin I tell you, this guys are nice people. They will not harm you. Them even give you food chop. Tell them and they would allow stay.” I kept calm and continued eating. Another thought sprang up and told me not to tell them.
The next morning, I opened up to Uchenna all I was going through concerning my accommodation. Infact, he told me that I was most highly welcome into the house. Abisoko said I can stay in any of the rooms. Either in Uchenna’s own or his. Chaiiii, na so I happy ooooo come go camp. When I got to camp, I found my bag and clothes outside.
Why is my bag outside
... .....To be continued from Episode 3........... .


NAIRAJOKES.COM




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Image of Akpos [Read it]


Akpors and Ofego were having dinner
when suddenly
armed robber broke into their house.
Akpors wanted to
run away but he said to himself dat if he
run away, he might be killed so he freezed himself &
stood like an
image. The armed robber ordered for
money but they did
not have money, so d armed robber looked
at d image, then turned to Akpors’ friend Ofego and
said:
Armed Robber: Take a look at such a
beautiful image you
have in ur house, but you don’t have any
money. Infact i’m going to destroy dis image. sets his gun,
points at the
image(Akpors) and was about to shoot.*
Akpors: (screamed out!) Please dont shoot,
I am d image of
God, like an angel. Armed Robber: So here you are, I have
been praying to you
to give me job but you don’t want to
answer my prayer.
Today, since i have d opportunity of seeing
you, i will not let u escape. When you get to hell, explain
to them why u
did not want to give me a job.
*about to shoot*
Akpors: (screamed out again!) Please,
please, abeg no shoot oh, I am the image of Akpors. I
don’t want to die!


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2014-11-22 15:00:51

276 Views



Curse [Read it]


A Man Goes To See A Wizard And Says "Can U Lift A Curse That Was Put On Me Years Ago"?
"Maybe" Says The Wizard If U Can Remember The Exact Words Of The Curse,,
The Man Replies Without Hesitation "i Pronounce You Man And Wife"


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-11-25 09:56:39

411 Views




A pilot was transfering mad ppl (male
and female) 4rm nigeria, and d plane was so noisy and
actualy disturbing d pilot,surdenly a mad man came 2 d
pilot and said "teach me hw to drive plane"d pilot said "i wil
teach u only on 1 condition, u hav to get oders 2 sit
quiet..2min later d plane was quit d pilot ask hw did u du it
he said "i open d door and told dem 2 go and play out side"
d pilot fainted


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-09-13 15:20:51

305 Views




@MY APARTMENT, 7:45pm
“so when are you telling me what you discussed with
Mary’s Sister or aren’t you going to tell me anything?” i
asked Chioma as we settled down for dinner. My eyes all over her with expectation.
After the seemingly long discussion with Mary’s sister
earlier in the day, Chioma had dragged me home
without saying much to me. She kept everything to
herself while i died of curiousity and worry.
It was the fifth time i was asking of what transpired between she and the lady. I was desperate as ever and
equally wasn’t finding her silence funny at all.
Chioma breathed deeply and stared at me. I focused all
my attention to her, my heart furiously pounding.
“Mary never left the country. Infact she’s still in this
city” she revealed slowly. I gasped with shock, unable to believe my ears.
“actually it took me quite an effort to get this
surprising piece of information. Mary never left town
my dear” she confirmed seriously.
I dropped my spoon on the table, folded my hands and
stared at Chioma with an open mouth. “so where is she hiding?” i asked anxiously. She
breathed deeply again and shook her head.
“she isn’t hiding my love. She’s at the General hospital.
She’s in a very pathetic condition” she slowly informed
me, sending my nerves flying high with the revelation.
“she has been sick all these period but we never knew. Seriously i feel very guilty” she cried. I swallowed hard
with worry. I was very clueless on what to do.
“she promised to talk to Mary on my behalf. If Mary
agrees to see me, i’ll try my best to see how she’s
doing” Chioma added calmly. I couldn’t believe my ears.
All i did was shrug silently….. ______
Days slowly passed by with Chioma surprisingly refusing
to get out of the depression she threw herself. She felt
responsible for Mary’s sickness and it almost affected
our relationship which almost collasped.
Finally another Saturday approached with Mary’s sister inviting us to the General hospital. We all went there
with our hopes up and eventually got the shock of our
lives when we saw what remained of Mary.
She was nothing but a breathing skeleton. She was so
thin and pale.
“you wanted to see my sister, here she is” her elder sister said to Chioma with sadness in her eyes, avoiding
our questions.
I couldn’t believe the person lying before us was Mary.
It was very difficult to believe.
“it looks like she’s down with HIV Aids. What do you
think?” Chioma whispered into my ear, almost sending me to my grave with the fearful words…
HIV/Aids?


>>

Lying Wife [Read it]


Akpos and his lawyer had the following conversation:Lawyer: “Why do you want to get a divorce?”


Akpos: “My wife wasn’t home the entire night and in the morning; she said she spent the night at her sister’s house.


Lawyer: “So?”


Akpos: “She’s lying. I spent the night at her sister’s house!”






NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-07-09 17:35:07

372 Views




The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-07-03 14:09:11

403 Views




A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.Related

Who love me most episode 5

Amara :please stop that I should be the one asking you that

Maxwell :I missed you so much

That was hard for Amara to believe

Amara:hmmmmmm,I can't believe that,if you missed me you could have sent me a message or called.

Maxwell :am sorry about that but you have always been in my head.

Amara felt some relief as maxwell held by the hand

Amara:for real (looking into his eyes)maxwell said "yeah with a smile on his face.

Amara:come to think of it how did you get my address number.

Maxwell :your mother give it to me,she said you left for the city for studies, to be sincere you have really done well for yourself

Amara:you too,(they both laughed )

Just then Amara remember she had lecture to attend that morning and she was dead late.

Amara:I was going for lecture before you came

Maxwell key let me drop you off

Amara: thanks (with a smile on her face)

Maxwell :this way

They walk like two newly wedded couples who was going to their honey moon,maxwell open the passager sit for Amara she entered and he close the door after that he ran to his own seat,when he was seated he starts the car engine and hit the road.
**************************************

The school activities was over for chidi and his friends as they enter the car and drove off suddenly chidi brought a conversation out.

Chidifeeling unusual )emma(turned to him)I really don't know what to do,ever since I meant that girl i no longer understand myself.

Emmaconfused )how do you mean.

Chidi:I am having sleepless night, as am talking to you now i haven't slept the way a normal human being should.

Suddenly Godwin who was seated at the back burst into uncontrollable laughter

Godwin :sleepless night you (pointing at chidi)

Chidi anger arouse

Chidi:what's funny

Godwin :sorry boss,but the chidi that I know will not have any sleepless night because of any girl,come on men please don't tell me that.

Chidicalmed)yes I know but this one is different, believe me i really need to have this girl else i will go mad,it a must.

They were all surprised at the effect that just one girl has course their high and mighty chidi and they knew it was serious.

Emma:then relax your mind in no time she will be yours just chill.

Jude:ne so this girl fine.

Chidi:you need to see this girl,when emma told me about this girl i was doubting him but when I saw this baby,she is the replicate of beauty, her backside fit turn any wise man to mumu, her front backageing fit make you cross the red Sea without the water non divide, I have never seen any girl so spiritual.

They all brust into laughter that never end.

Jude:I can't wait to see this girl,I really need to see the girl that has turned my baddest guy to lover boy chai.

Chidi:jude if you see this girl just hold your own ooooo

Godwin :ah ah ah ne so.

Chidi:yes oooo I non use this one play oooo

Emma:don't worry in fact she is yours forever.

Chidi :I believe you.

They couldn't control the fun they where having they continue to tease him with it.

Princess, Annabella and Sandra were walking in the campus ,they have just finished their lecture and are going home they don't usually wait for Amara because she always attached a student lessons to teach themselves more.

Princess :what is Amara saying about the issue we discussed concerning chidi.

Sandra :she hasn't said anything yet.

Annabella :have you asked her.

Sandra :no i haven't (slience for a while)you know she a lucky girl

Annabella confused )why say so

Sandra :don't know i just know she is.

Princess :if chidi successed in having Amara, I mean taking her to bed what do you think he will do to her cause as far as I am concern chidi is a big time play boy.

Sandra;sign)well that shouldn't be our problems she is not a kid.

Princess upset)of course it should be,Amara is a nice girl and she haven't done anything wrong to us awwwwwwww.

Annabella : princess is right, for me i don't think chidi is right for Amara, come on she is now like a sister to us,we won't see any of us trying to burn ourself and the other do nothing not to talk of we trying to burn her ourselves.

Sandra :I know, but you never can tell things might change.

Princess h please stop that you know that can never happen not in this school

Sandra :I think chidi is seriously in love with her.

Princess :well that is your own i till think it's not right.

Sandra :then what do you want me to do you know that if chidi is bented on doing something he will,he can get Amara with or without my help you all knows that.

Princess :then what ever happen don't interfer just allow him do it himself and let amara make up her mind herself so incase things goes wrong you or any of us will not be blame.

Annabella :it's true ooooo

Sandra key no problem i won't interfer in their business, so now can we hurry up am hunger.

To Be Continued

Drop your comments and
Read episode 6


>>

We walked around the beach, with two not-
strange people following us, a man and a lady.
Hand in hand with her, we laughed, constant
hugging, kisses and all. We were so happy
together. We left the beach to get some ice
cream from there to the movies, we watched a
romantic movie while my hand was around her
neck and her head on my shoulder what a
romantic night for us. We started walking on the
street not sure of where we were going but i
noticed those two are still following us, i don’t
understand why but we felt save. They were
also acting romantic when they think we arent
looking. We stopped for a moment, i held her
waist while she faced me then we looked each
other in the eyes her face was blurry i didn’t
know why.

Me: Baby
Girl: Yes…
Me: You know i love u so much
Girl: I know dear
Me: I will never do anything to hurt u
Girl: I know
Me: And i will always stand by u no
no matter what
Girl: Alright Victor whats wrong? is
it about my father??
Me: No dear, i just need to be sure
that u trust me
Girl: I trust u and i love u
We shared a passionate kiss
Me: Ermm… sweetheart
Girl: Yes dear
Me: That money i asked of, when
am i getting it?
Girl: I told u not to worry

She brings out her phone, did what i dunno next
thing i heard was my phone alert. I opened the
message what i saw shoked me…
Your account has been credited with #4,000,000

I was so happy i rushed her with kisses, just
then i heard sirens coming to our side with
about seven cars including range rover i always
admire.

Some hefty men came out and beat the hell out
me.
Man: How many times will i warn
you to stay away from my
daughter?
Girl: Dad i love him
Man: Shut up! you, take her into the
car!
I looked as she was been dragged into the
vehicle.
Man: I won’t be this nice next time
He said then left me there in the dark. Then i
heard a loud noise from the background… I woke
up with a slight headache and discovered its my
phone that’s been ringing and i’ve been
dreaming all this while. 4 missed calls from my
mum, i checked the time 7:48am Oopss!! Can’t
call her now I’m already late for school. I did a
quick bath, put on my clothes, picked up my bag
equipped with the necessaries and rushed out as
fast as i could. The lecturer has already shut the
door when i got there, oh no! Attendance is
really important for me, besides i don’t want to
miss any lectures. Well, i met four students that
also came late but were there before me, three
guys and a girl (not attributed in any form).
Guy 1: This man go wicked o… just
him first lecture na’im he dey
lock door
Guy2: See how him be, carry head
like fly-over
Me: Guys make we stand for
window beg ‘am or mak him
just see us
Girl: Abi o
We went to the window begging with gestures
using our hands. He would look at us and look
away instantly. We continued like that until he
announced that we would enter on one
condition, that each of us would answer a
question before entering his class. We agreed, so
he called us to the door post where we’d answer
him.
He was about to ask the first question before
three elegant looking people arrived. d--n! I
could feel the aura of their presence, it was
breathtaking. Two ladies and a gentle man
actually but one of the ladies looks more
younger like a teen, they must be very rich. The
teen girl spoke directly to the lecturer.
Teen girl: Morning Lecturer
Lecturer: You know you’re supposed
to be here earlier
Teen girl: Yea, i know. Can i go in?
like now??
Lecturer: Alright, you all should
come in.
Thank you sir in chorused from we that was
there before.
Teen girl: Alright guys gat to go for
class or you’d follow me
in as well?
Lady/Man: No miss
Teen girl: This should be the last
time you guys will ever
call me that!!
Lady/Man: Yes Mirabel
The other two must be her bodyguards
(WTF! Who tha hell is she?)

>> Part 3 -

Six golden rules for f***ing:

1. F***ing once a week
is good for your health but harmful if done every day.

2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind
and body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After f***ing don’t eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. When f***ing try to stay in bed because it can save you valuable energy.

6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level

SO REMEMBER – FASTING is good for your health – may the Almighty cleanse your dirty mind!Related

Bhagwan ji agar sun rhe ho toh ek question poochna tha…. ????

.

.

.

.

.

Mere leye bhi koi ‘Aww’ krne wali banayi h ya bhool gye?? :pRelated

Ele narrates..

“Ele!, Ele oo”, mummy was calling me as she came into my room only to see me engrossed in singing music with headphones on my ears.
Soon and very soon,
I am going to U.S.A
Soon and very soon,
I am going to U.S.A
No more suffering
No more weeping
I am going to U.S.A
Daddy, take there
I wanna go to Washington
Mummy take me there
I wanna go and make dollars
No more black out o
No more N.T.A
All I see is CNN..


Just then I felt a big slap on my back. I quickly removed the headphones only to see mum standing with am angry look of a lioness.

“Haven’t I told you that that thing might spoil your ear?, I have warned you times without number not to block your ear with that thing, peradventure something happens to me now and I was falling for help, that’s how you would be singing till your mother die ehnn?, is that how you will behave when you get to school when other students will be running when cult guys attack, you will be busy rocking the story beats of hell”, mummy vented her anger on me with words like she had practised it before she came in.

“I’m sorry mum, I was arranging my things to get ready for the exam, but I still had to listen to music to brighten my mood”, I explained.

“This boy self, I too know is too much for you, by the way, what’s the author and name of the song you were singing?”, mum asked still putting on a serious look. “The title is MY DREAM and your son Ele is the author”, I answered mother smiling feeling on top of Nigeria.

“Wow!, that’s my boy, I know my son is destined to be great”, mum started drawing a wide smile from my face, “just that devil used to push him to commit atrocities at time”, she quickly added making my smoke quickly replaced with a frown.

“My son, without God, you’re nothing, try to put God first in all you do and everything you require to acquire your desire will come your way”, my mother advised.

“Thanks so much mum, I’ll try to put God first in all I do”, I said smiling.

“Don’t try!, its a must God must come first in every area of your life, then all other thing will be added unto you”, my mother cautioned with a wild smile on her face.

“Thanks so much mum, you’re the best mum the whole wide world!”.

“And my son is the number one son on planet earth”, mum declared given me a tight hug.

“You will make it my son, you won’t die”, mum said in a seemingly sad voice before leaving me free.

“Your food is ready, come outside before it gets cold”, mum said before shutting the door behind her. I am so lucky to have the best mum in the world.

“God bless all mothers in the world!”, i prayed.

———————————————-

I walked into my school Gorimapa Comprehensive College with my best friend Franco by 9:15 am, about 45 minutes to the start of my first external exam. I was kinda scared and tense since I haven’t done any external exam before unlike most of my class mates.

I should have done NECO and WAEC GCE in SSS2 but my dad refused to pay for my examination fees telling me to wait for he right class before taking it despite the fact i was a brilliant student.

I went into the hall we were to use and got a sit for my self since the invigilators weren’t yet around to arrange us. I took my phone out to listen to a bit of Westlife music to calm my nerves when I saw two girls pass by.

The first girl made my heart beat if someone was pounding fufu inside,the moment I saw her, the world around me stood still for a minute before I could get myself again.

The strange girl was a rare beauty, a rarity! She was a light skinned girl of average height, oval face, cute mint eyes, perfect eye lashes, moderate blossoms with a well packaged behind. She was every reasonable guy number one girl. Just like a tourist centre, her beauty was the cynosure of all eyes in the hall.

“I bet she’s a private student from another school”, I told my besty Franco who was also captivated by the Angel of Ibadan who just walked in.

“Franco, I think I’ve fallen in love at first sight, I really need to talk to this girl, what do I do?”, I asked Franco.

“Why you too dey lie like this Ele?, shebi na you still they siddon for chair? You con dey lie say you fall”, Franco said feigning seriousness.

“Franco, I swear on my mother’s grave that I love her, please advise me”, I pleadingly asked Franco who has a penchant for making fun of my kind of situation whatever.

“If you love somebody walk up to am and tell am you love am, do you remember that song by African China?”, Franco asked me.

“Yes, I do”, I answered getting his point.

“That’s my point!, I know you’ve always had his phobia for approaching girls, but if you are really Into this one, you have to defeat that phobia now or else someone brave will snatch her from you before you say Jack”, Franco explained to me.

Without waiting for him to continue, I beat my chest three times, breath in and out, got up and ended to the side of my crush and the following conversation ensued..

Me: Hello bae
*no answer*
*I started shaking, blaming Franco for pushing me to the Lion’s den”

Me: Helloooo
*no answer*

Me: Good morning did
My crush: morning

Me: *wow she answered, stage one completed*
By the virtue of nomenclature, my name is Ele, how about you?, I said smiling happily at my grammar.

My crush: do you know me from somewhere?

Me: yes, I do, in this hall, as soon as you entered, I fell in love with you.

My crush: you fell? Oh sorry!, I hope you didn’t break your head?, you look fine to me though.. She said smirking her face

Me: wow!, I never knew my future wife could be so funny

My crush: your future wife?, dude, you’re sick!, imaginations are allowed but delusion is a disease, I guess you’ve over read and its seriously affecting you.

Me: no I’ve not ,*maka drop my lines quickly* roses are red, violent are blue, God sent an Angel to me in flesh and blood, I love you know be lie

My crush: you’re one of the wackiest wooers I’ve seen around, go and upgrade dude!

Me: when I first saw you I was SPEECHLESS
My mind instantly became RESTLESS
Just because when I saw you I saw FRESHNESS
As a result a scared dude like me developed BOLDNESS
Just to have the chance to express my mind to you my PRINCESS
Baba God in heaven is my WITNESS
That I want you all for myself is not GREEDINESS
Its because I’ll take your heart like egg, I won’t be CARELESS
Just because you’re to PRICELESS
Please accept my heart my SWEETNESS
And I promise my love for you will never be RECKLESS
All I ask is for you to be my DATE, YES or YES.?, I rapped one of my songs to my amazement

My crush: oh my God, you’re so funny, character dey oooo, my crush who had be laughing all along said..

Me: *unwilling to give up*
Hey Bae,see as my heart they CRY
My heart too DRY
I swear nah be LIE
Your priceless love, I no fit BUY
Even though I dey SHY
Too get mind woo you I swear i TRY
The love I get for you nah the reason WHY
I too love you WALAI
If you nah accept me I go DIE
Will you be my lover?
YES or YES?
*then i noticed the whole hall had been thrown into laughter* though embarrassing, I still continued.

My crush: you will die if I don’t love you? Na by force to love? See me see wahala oo. When you get to heaven, tell Jesus to reserve a room for me so when I come to join you in a 100 years time, I’ll get a place to sleep
*the whole hall was thrown to another set of hysterical laughter*

Me: if you won’t accept me yet at least tell me your name, at least give me your name

My Crush: the thing is most guys of nowadays are Hocus Pocus, they are like politicians, they are full of trickery and lies when campaigning for a girl’s heart but, once they make a girl fall helplessly in love they turn their back on them when they get bored and dump her for no reason
Just then, the invigilator came in

Me: since you won’t tell me your name, I’ll call you Queency. It’s you and I till WAEC do us part. I said running to my seat avoiding the eyes of my annoying colleagues.

‘I had just done what even Casanova would never pull through”, I thought knowing fully well that my first paper will be an F9.

**************************
Lia narrates…

For the first time in my life, I wasn’t able to focus on an exam. The clown who came to woo me earlier before the exam started had disoriented my brain. I dunno why but i just cant seem to forget him,any guys have been coming in more composed and sweeter ways but this guy seems too different.

“Lia, what is wrong with you?, why is a total stranger making your heart waver?, he’s not even handsome!”, I thought beating my head before taking up my Essential Economics textbook to prepare for my next paper.

************************
Khadijat narrates

i couldn’t believe myself, I had look at my mirror over twenty times since I came back. I was wondering what was wrong with me.

I was a very beautiful girl, many had compared me to Agbani Darego times without number, I had firm and moderate bosoms, moderate bum, I was of average height, i put on imported dresses, perfumes what over 20000, my whole body jeweleries are made of gold, what’s more?, my dad is the minister of culture and tourism, I have everything, so why do boys only approach Lia who isn’t half my type?, why always her?, I made a full of myself today, I thought the dude was looking at me not knowing it was that b---h, I won’t allow her take anything that belongs to me again, never! If I don’t have Ele, nobody would!

**************************
Imabong narrates...

i paced up and down my bedroom seeming confused. I couldn’t help but cry. Tears flowed freely from my eyes. I couldn’t my son was slated to die at age 21. He could even die next year when the first bad day is slated to occur.

“Never!, gone to soon would never be my son’s passion”, I blurted out. I must call the pastor.

I picked up my phone and dialed the pastor’s number, then hesitated to send after remembering how my husband Ledan had warned me about divulging the secret to anyone not even to Ele. I remembered how my husband told me of killing the two nurses who were present at grandma’s prophecy without being sure if they have truly eavesdropped or not.

I wasn’t going to let her husband’s mistake affect her son’s life, i thought and dialed the pastor’s number.

Me: hello pastor *in a teary voice*

Pastor; yes Mrs Love *imabong was known As Love Ledan in church*

Me; I need to see you tomorrow, I have something of utmost important to tell you pastor.

Pastor: okay, I’ll be in church around 9am, you can come by then.

Me:thanks so much pastor, may God bless you, I’m so grateful

Pastor; glory be to God

Me: Goodnight pastor

Pastor; goodnight Mrs Love
*hangs up*

Just then, my husband worked in...

“What’s of utmost importance you want to tell pastor?”, my hubby asked.

“Nothing that concerns you”, I replid harshly. Our relationship has not been the same since he revealed grandma’s prophecy to me.

“Remember what we discuss 16 years ago, no one must know of me stealing office funds or grandma’s prophecy, I would so anything to keep the secret even it it means killing the one I love the most”,, my husband said threateningly before going to bed leaving me staring at him in rage.

“God, why did you give me a monster as a hubby?”, I cried internally.

>>

BREAKING NEWS [Read it]


BREAKING NEWS:the federal government of nigeria has announced that today is thursday 25th of june 2015,and tomorrow is Friday 26th of june 2015..thanks for listening..no public holiday


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-06-25 14:22:25

702 Views



FRIED PLANTAIN [Read it]


Two lawyers went into Sheraton hotel
and ordered two drinks. They then
removed fried plantain from their
briefcases and started to eat. The waiter
became quite concerned and marched
over and told them, "You can't eat your own plantain in here!" The lawyers looked at each other,
shrugged their shoulders and then
exchanged plantains.
#BOLLY_SMART™


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-03-06 00:17:58

437 Views




“Sky, this your father’s wife seems not to like me” Chioma whispered into my ears.
I grunted reluctantly dragged myself up from bed.

It has been an intense night of sexual bliss with chioma. we had a whole lot of catching up to do and before the day ended we ended up finding our connection again and it culminated into one of the best nights i’ve had in years.

“How do you mean she doesn’t like you” I queried peering into her face which wore a long expression.
“I don’t know, but i can notice she don’t seem happy when she sees me” she shrugged.

“Yesterday during dinner, i could swear she was glaring at me. Is anything the matter sky?” She sounded curious and a worried look smeared all over her face.

“Don’t worry baby, am sure it’s nothing” I tried sounding convincing giving her a soft kiss and an assuring smile.
But deep down me i knew it wasn’t nothing, the last time a girl said that to me it was Joy and Amanda later slapped her, who knows what she will do this time.

A little tap on the door sounded into my ears.
“Come in” i addressed at the door expecting Jessy to come in. she hadn’t come home since yesterday.

Amanda walked in gently popping her face in first then her body filled into the room with the door opening with a slight groan.

“Good morning” She intoned beaming with a broad smile eyeing Chioma who already went stiff immediately Amanda entered.
“Good morning Ma” I voiced out emphasizing on the ‘Ma’.

“Breakfast is ready dear, you guys should come down before it gets cold” she announced throwing a wink at me before turning around exaggerating the sway of her bumz to the contempt of chioma who just watched on with a blank face.

I could tell she felt threatened and unwelcome more so from the fact that Jessy was not back yet.

We went down to the dinning room coming face to face with what could pass as a feast and not a breakfast.
A shrieking sound was heard outside after a car honk.

In a little while the front door flew open with a bang.
“Chi baby!!!” Jessy’s voice shrieked as she sped to the dinning table crashing into chioma who also let out a resounding shriek ladled in a cracking laughter, their arms clasping around each other.

I left the girls on the table as they kept on yapping and talking and hugging, strolling to the kitchen to get more water.
My eyes popped as i was faced with a picture of Amanda cleaning the sink, her a#s all shouty hugged tight in a deep blue flimsy leggings revealing every contour.

A slight shocked surged from my eyes to junior sky who gave a gentle nod.
This mermaid is still one of the most sexiest creatures i know.
Trying hard enough to maintain my sanity i walked into the kitchen moving straight to the fridge.

Grabbing a bottle of Eva water i turned round and there was Amanda standing right in front of me making me startle a bit before recovering my composure.

“Sky, I have missed you” Amanda intoned taking her hand up to my face.
My mouth dropped, heart racing hard and my hands trembled.
Amanda still have some kind of effect on me and i can’t help myself.

I could feel Amanda’s hand on the back of my neck pulling my head down, A slight cold but soft sensation filled my lips as i felt her lips grasp mine pushing deeper with every passing mili-second.

Junior sky now throbbed and pressed hard beneath my boxer, i could feel myself slipping down the drains of my past mistakes.

“Please Amanda its ok” I blurted out pushing her out gently out of the way and casting off from the kitchen almost immediately hearing the sound of a faint chuckle from Amanda as i walked the hall way back to the dinning.
“Will i ever be free of her” My heart sighed.

Walking back to the dinning, Jessy and Chioma were still lost in their own world, gisting, laughing and probably gossiping about what happened last night between i and chioma or what played out between Jessy and her fiancee.

Seemed they didn’t even notice i was gone. resuming my initial position on the table i watched them do their thing with a worried mind.

“Eheeee sky you had 5missed calls when you were gone” Jessy threw at me and delve back to their gist.
I picked my phone, it was an unsaved number which seemed strange cus nobody had this new number yet.

I dialed the number back which was picked almost before it rang.
“Hello” i said into the phone mouth piece.
“Is this Mr Johnysky, the son of Chief Williams?” The alien like voice of a man sounded from the other side of the phone.

“Yes i am” i replied trying to use my new found British accent.

“Jesus!!!” i shouted dropping the glass of water i held with the other hand.
“What is it sky?” Jessy and Chioma asked having being startled by my shout and the crashing sound of the broken cup.

“Whats the matter, whats going on here” Amanda added as she rushed out of the kitchen, soapy water dripping from her hands.

I could see the curiosity buttered into surprising fear and confusion.

“Papa was involved in a terrible motor accident” I announced.

..To Be continued..

>>

GIRLFRIEND: Baby, ever since you slept with me you've not called me, texted me, flashed me, replied my texts or even returned my calls! What's the problem dear?
BOYFRIEND: Nothing o. Have you ever seen a president still campaigning after winning an election?


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-05-30 00:03:29

943 Views



REAL NAME [Read it]


The best way to know a Nigerian Girl's real name is to ask for
her bank account details... That's when "Natasha Hills" turns to
"Chinasa Okoro lobatan."


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-05-10 00:21:23

157 Views



Doctor Akpors [Read it]


Akpors don com again


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-07-03 11:45:18

264 Views




WHOSE FAULTrnCHAPTER;2rnWRITTEN BY RANDLE EZEKIEL OLUWATOBILOBArn2 moths later she has aborted 5 Pregnancies for d guy. she wanted to go and abort the 6th one when d doctor told her that if she try aborting dis one she is going to lose her life.rnwhen she got home that day she told cletus about it, then cletus replied back telling her that she should go and find something to do about it but she refused. Cletus was still trying to confuse her when he called one of his friend that is a science student and he is studying medicine so cletus can bring bolu d next day to his office.rnThat evening bolu and some of her fellow cult members killed alot of people which also involved the DPO son of that state. When they were trying to escape, they were caught so police arrested some of their member. Bolu managed to escape but unknown to her, her student ID card fell down so d police men traced her to her hostel and she was arrested.rnThe following morning the police invited their parents, so when bolu's father and mother got to d police station they brought her out she was crying bitterly, her parent were confused, they never believed wat they were seeing. Then she explained herself that dad, mom, it was not my fault i was confused, i came home i was trying to explain myself to u but u never listened to me. u thought all is money. anytime i want to talk to u, u will giv me money. d other day i was crying but u did not even listen to me.rnThe following monday she was charged to court and she was sentenced to life imprisonmentrnMORAL LESSONrn1.Always listen to ur childrenrn2.Money is not everythingrn3.Always try to control ur selfrnTHE ENDrnENCOURAGE THE WRITTER BY DROPPING UR COMMENTSrnLIFE OF RANDLEBABA COMING NEXTrnFACEBOOKPAGE; RANDLE BABA


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Strange cure [Read it]


A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.


“Akpos, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”


“Yes, sir!” answers Akpos.


The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: ”So, Akpos, how was your day?”


Akpos told him that he took care of three patients.


“The first one had a headache so I gave him Panadol.”


“Bravo, and the second one?” asks the doctor.


“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Flagyl, sir.” says Akpos.


“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” asks the doctor.


“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”


“Lord Jesus! Akpos, what did you do?” asks the doctor.


“I put eye-drops in her eyes.” 


One word For Akpos


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-03-23 22:28:15

515 Views



Call again [Read it]


A man is about to leave a super market on the exit door he sees a sign that reads "THANKYOU CALL AGAIN"
he goes back to ask for contact details


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-09-27 22:00:44

499 Views



sence man [Read it]


AKPOS: Excuse me ma!


TEACHER: How may I help you? 


AKPOS: Will you beat me for something I did not do? 


TEACHER: No, why would I? 


AKPOS: Thank God! I did not do my home work. 


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-04-26 13:41:37

411 Views



rat trap [Read it]


I set a trap 4 d rats in my house last night. This morning I saw a note beside it; “Oga, no try this nonsense again o...” I'm moving out!


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-05-20 15:27:06

563 Views




I thought he was a young man of promise; but it appears he was a young man of promises.

~ Author UnknownRelated

Conductor asked one of his passingers :where is your money? Passinger replied:i b staff,
Conductor queried:which kind staff u b?
-u b police?
-no
-u b soldier?
-no
-u b NAVY?
-no
-u b airforce?
-no
So who r you nw! Abeg pay your money,, the passinger replied ':I B BOKO HARAM!!!

All the passingers shoutted:WHAAT!!!
Conductor r you mad? Oga BOKO Sorry sir, abeg no vex we go pay for you, every body screamed: DRIVER next junction OWA oo(stop)
DRIVER said:Is like I will drop here too!!!
If you were there will you continue with your journey?!! @Donluckyphilip


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-11-30 14:10:03

301 Views




White House receptionist to the president Obama, “Sir, someone has been calling time and again but not speaking anything”.

Obama: Wish him “Namaste”! He must be Manmohan Singh from India!Related

Indomie! [Read it]


A girl washing indomie b4 cooking it... Abeg wetin she be?







NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-06-18 16:47:29

350 Views




Joy was so scared that her heart pumped
like a pumping
machine, she had different questions racing
through her mind
like Who were these people? Where are they
being taken to?
What do they want from them? Why were
they the chosen ones?
John noticed that the bus suddenly slowed
down and took a turn,
now there were off the tarred road, he knew
because he could tell
from the buses sound and movement, he
heard one of the armed
men talking about how much they will be
paid for bringing ten
people, one of the men said If na 100,000
naira per person then e
mean say na one million naira we dey
collect, now John knew
where they were being taken to, they were
going to be sold by the
armed men to ritualists who would pay them
100,000 naira for
each of them, TJ’s worst fears were
confirmed as he also heard
their conversation, is this how his life is
going to end? He
thought, the bus had continued along the
rough road for 30
minutes where it had taken different turns
than they could count,
they drove for another 20 minutes before the
bus finally came to
a stop. They were there, John thought, they
were at the place
where their lives might end, their blindfolds
were removed and
they were ordered to get down from the bus,
as they got down lo
and behold they were in the middle of
nowhere inside a very thick
forest, right in front of them stood an
uncompleted building with
hefty and heavily armed men, they were
about 7 in number, one of
the guards said they don come o, the leader
of the armed men
then ordered them to line up in a straight
line and move into the
building, John wondered how any human
being in their right
senses would think of building a house in
such a thick forest in
the first place, as they were moving into the
building, John
noticed that a car was parked beside it, it
was a Range Rover
SUV, John quickly crammed the number of
the vehicle AA 885
AKD as they were about to enter into the
building John thought,
was that the last car he was going to see?
Well if it was, it was a
nice one .
They entered the building which was dark
and damp and smelled
of death, escaping was not an option as they
were surrounded by
hard looking, heartless and hefty armed men,
they were lead to a
dark room they called the dungeon, where
they were chained. TJ
said to John ‘on the bright side we’ll pray to
God for forgiveness
and end up in heaven ‘ prayers! John hadn’t
thought of that, he
began to pray to God for forgiveness, he
asked God to find them a
way out of this smelly, dark dungeon, he had
not finished praying
when one man walked in carrying injections
all filled with a
substance that neither of them knew about,
the man began to
inject each of them with the substance, as
he was injected, John
began to recite psalm 23, he had not reach
‘thou anoint my head
with oil ‘ when he suddenly felt dizzy, as his
eyes were about to
close the last thing he saw was Joy who
was already
unconscious
…………………………………………………………… It was
almost
evening when they woke up, they must have
slept for about 5
hours, it was then John noticed that he was
Unclad and all his
hair was shaven, not only him but all the
guys who were in the
dungeon, he looked towards Joy’s direction,
she was untouched
and so were the remaining women in the
dungeon, he and Joy’s
eyes met, he was a little shy, he liked the
idea of being Unclad in
front of her but not under such
circumstances, their clothes were
in the center of the room, John felt uneasy,
he was not used to
being Unclad in front of women, but he knew
TJ was, he had to
find a way to free himself and get out of
this mess along with Joy
and TJ at least, he looked at the far end of
the room and noticed
that some of them were weeping, John
studied the room for
escape points, the window was not an option
as it was high, very
small and had a hard burglary barricade in
front of it, he looked
up at the ceiling, the door was not an option
either as two armed
men were outside guarding it, he looked at
Joy then he had an
idea …
John looked at Joy’s hair and noticed that
she had a hair pin, can
you throw me your hair pin? John asked
politely, okay Joy
replied as she removed her hair pin and
tossed it at John, with
his shackle bound hands he pick up the pin,
as he tried to use
the pin to pick the lock of his chains, the
door opened and 3 men
came in and took the four other people who
were not corpers,
John heard one of them say something
about beheading them
and using their organs for money rituals,
John silently prayed to
God for a miracle, as the last armed man
was about to close the
door he mistakenly shut the door on the
bunch of keys attached
to his belt hole, the keys fell inside the room
as the man shut the
door, that was the fastest prayer that God
had ever answered
him, now he had to act fast, heaven had
helped him now he had
to help himself, he got back to picking the
lock as he was
sweating as if he was inside an oven, he
was relieved when he
picked the first lock, he had never done such
before but he had
now put the movies he watched into good
use, as his left hand
was free he used it to pick the second
lock,it took about 3
minutes for him to pick the lock until it
opened, with both his
hands free he stretched to where the key
was but he was just a
few inches short, he looked around and
remembered their clothes
which was in the middle of the room, he
stretched to where the
clothes were and took his boxers and used
often it to try to get
the key, He threw his boxers over the bunch
of keys and pulled it
nearer, now he had the keys, he had tried 3
keys before the fourth
one opened the shackles on his feet, now
free, he out on his
boxers and went to release Joy first, he tried
the keys that
released him first and it opened all her
shackles, he tried it for TJ
too and It worked, when TJ was free John
have him the keys to
release the other 3 people while he dressed
up, when they were
all released and dressed up, John had a plan
to get them out of
there.. ……………………… Bison was in the
slaughter room when he
noticed that his keys were not with him, he
quickly retraced his
steps in search of the keys, he searched
everywhere but could
not find his keys, he then remembered that
he had not searched
the dungeon, with his pistol in his hand he
ran to the dungeon, he
then ordered the two guards to open the
door, when the door was
opened, Bison could not believe his eyes
The room was empty as all the prisoners
had escaped through
the ceiling, he raised an alarm and informed
all the men that the
prisoners had escaped and he needed to
have them back, all the
men ran out in search of John and his
mates because prisoners
meant money, John and his friends ran
through the back of the
building into the forest as fast as they could
because sooner or
later their captors would find out that they
had escaped, before
they could say Nelson Mandela 6 armed men
were after them, it
was now a race of life and death called stop
and you are dead,
TJ had been in a similar situation before
when he was being
chased by cultists in his university for dating
the girlfriend of one
of them, that time he ran through the school
premises to the
nearest police station or else he would have
surely been beaten
to coma, he had then called his father who
had then called the
commissioner of police to get the cultists
arrested, they ran
through the forest without knowing where
exactly they were
heading to, luckily for John the men had not
collected his wrist
watch, he checked the time as he was
running, it was 4:20 pm,
as they continued running one of the male
corpers whose name
was Chidi fell and twisted his ankle, they
had already ran far
ahead before TJ looked back and noticed
what had happened,
none of them dared go back to rescue him,
John felt sorry for
Chidi as the men pounced on him and
dragged him back, one
man dragged him as the remaining 5
continued the pursuit, as
John and his friends ran on they jumped
over a pit which was full
of bones and skulls and produced a bad
odour, John concluded that that was
probably where the men dumped the
remains of their victims, they ran and turned
left but the men kept pursuing
them, they arrived at a cliff which had a river
at It’s bottom, John
and his friends looked back, there was only
one thing to do.








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STINGY MAN [Read it]


A MAN is dying of cancer but he keep telling people he is dying of HIV, his son ask DAD why? he said when i died no man will sleep with your mom.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2014-10-05 22:23:33

191 Views




WAASCE 2015 Integrated Science


Q2(a)(i) Mention 3 differences between Livestock A (Goat) and Livestock B (Sheep)


Check the answer that Akpos gave:


The goat when you use it for soup it taste waaaaooow but the sheep when u use it for soup it does not taste waaaaow.
Goats give soup perfume expecially the boy goat but sheep don’t give soup perfume.
A goat can cross a road wisely but the sheep is very foolish and walks slowly on the road.
A goat has a sharp brake but a sheep don’t have sharp brake.
Goat head is smelling but sheep head is not smelling.
Goat is on left side of God but sheep is on right side of God.
Goat is stubborn but sheep is humble.
Goat can jump and turn 360° but sheep cannot jump and turn 360°.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-06-15 20:31:09

187 Views



Dear Dollar [Read it]


Dear Dollar,You slut…
Stop rising so much coz after 58 Government will retire you..Sincerely
Indian RupeeRelated


A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2014-12-13 15:22:41

140 Views




The last porcelain plate filled with vegetables was placed on the dining table and she stepped back to survey her work, it looked good: it had to look good, she thought desperately. She poured all her soul into this dish. Her eyes strayed to the wall clock above the entrance door into the house and she thought she heard her heart beating nervously in its tight cage; her teeth sank into her bottom lip. Something she always did whenever she could not do anything else to settle her unease.

The door opened and Priscilla’s knees buckled. Tunde walked in as usual with a tight look on his face. He said nothing, he did not even glance at her but it seemed easier meditating on it that to try it in reality. She took a deep breath; she would be the bigger person even if it killed her.

“Hi.”

There was no reply.

“Hi” Priscilla said again “How was your day?”

“Fine.” Tunde’s voice was curt; he did not want to have conversation

She expelled a deep breath “I cooked pounded yam and efo for you.” He looked at her, she could tell he was surprised “ummm…I thought you’d be hungry.”

Tunde dropped his briefcase on the nearby single chair and loosened his tie “You cooked that? We’re not having a party.”

“I…I know that” Priscilla stammered a reply “It’s nice to have a change, should I serve you?”

“I’ll wash up first”

Priscilla said nothing else. When she heard the sound of the door shut, she heaved out a sigh of relief. It was the longest conversation they had had as far as in months. She walked up to the bar and took out a bottle of scotch and a glass. She was beginning to drink a lot, Priscilla swore silently. She never used to drink but now it seemed her life was driving her to the brink of insanity. Her eyes caught a reflection poorly stamped on the dark TV screen; she was almost swimming in the oversized gown she wore, what man would find her attractive? 10 years ago, when she looked young and alive, indeed, those were her glory days. Now she could not care less what she wore, looking haggard and unhappy, she looked depressed: little wonders why Tunde sought another woman’s bed. There was no spark, no life in their marriage. It was just a paper: a certificate of bondage.

Tunde came out after having his bath dressed in his evening kaftans; His perfume hung heavily in the air, his eyes stayed briefly on the glass of scotch Priscilla held delicately between her hands. He sighed before speaking “I’m going out now” he brought out the car keys in his pocket “It’s an emergency.”

They knew he was lying and she wanted to writhe in humiliation, automatically the glass found its way to her lips. The burning sensation shocked her back into reality “Is it Karen?”

“Don’t start this”, Tunde walked to the door.

“Tunde!” she called out his name before he opened the door; he saw the silent plea in her eyes “Let’s fix this marriage Tunde, please” he stood unmoving like a rock “Tunde we can’t go on like this, can’t you see that I’m trying?”

“Are you suggesting a divorce?”

“Is that what you want?” she looked at him through glistened eyes.

“I think that answer is obvious enough, there’s nothing to discuss Priscilla. We both knew what we were getting into when we got to the registry.”.

“It doesn’t mean we can’t learn to respect each other… I am not ready to give you a divorce” she caught the cold glint in his eyes and winced at the clear hatred in his eyes feeling so small standing there, so minute as he pinned her to the spot with his hard stare.

“What else do you want? You have your precious money; you have my body…What else? Vows of love, gifts, sex?” he snarled. He looked so scary from where he stood Priscilla almost crumbled under his scrutiny, there was a snare. “Don’t be thick headed dear. You knew what you signed up for when your father duped us.”

“Don’t say that, Tunde!” she cried, “Why do you insist on hurting me this way? I treat you with respect; I don’t trouble you. Why do you hurt me?”

He shook his head as though weary of saying more and opened the door.

“Tunde”, she called out his name again helplessly.

“Don’t drink that anymore,” he pointed at the drink in her shaking hand “You’d turn into an alcoholic”. With that, he left the house. She did not know how long she stood there but all she could think of was the echo of his harsh words. What did she expect? Words of encouragement? Loving words? Kind words? Her throat had suddenly gone dry and the drink she stared at through blurry eyes had lost its appeal.

She walked up to the dinning tabled staring at the food she had poured had soul into lying untouched on the table a tear of disappointment escaped from the corner of her eye but she wiped it off determined not to cry. This was what she signed up for, he was right, and she would deal with it. Somehow a new strength flowed into Priscilla as she stood there staring at the food and remembering Mrs. Bridget’s story. Nothing was impossible, things could get difficult but they were still achievable. She would win her husband back until she got pregnant and then she would be free to live her life away from everything. It may not be the right thing but it was her only hope of survival.

…THE next four days Tunde left before she got up and Priscilla was not surprised, they both avoided each other after the scene the day before. He would leave for work extra early and come home very late whilst she had fallen asleep in the parlor waiting for him; she woke up in the middle of each night to find her food untouched and her husband sleeping peacefully on the bed. Priscilla would cry herself to sleep and wake up in the morning with a dull ache in her head but she was not ready to give up on him if this was what it took to win back her freedom from her mother.

Priscilla walked up the stairs in the church heading skeptically towards Mrs. Bridget’s office and hoped she was not around, she was not sure of what to say or what to start, how to start. The first uncertain knock landed on her door, a light tap: she bit her lip nervously and heard shuffling sounds from within the office, her insides quivered torn between fleeing away from the door as fast as her legs could carry her and standing there rooted to the spot. Her body chose the latter even though the mind was torn between the two.

“Ah…Priscilla dear!” Mrs. Bridget beamed as soon as she opened the door.

“Good afternoon ma” Priscilla mumbled.

“Come in, come in.”

She walked into the air-conditioned office. It was a moderate sized room filled on one side with shelved books.

“Forgive me, my office is a bit scattered” Bridget said smiling from ear to ear.

Priscilla looked back at the short and stout woman and could not help but smile back “its okay, it’s not too scattered though” she sat nestled between clusters of books on the settee.

“Do you want a drink? It’s rather hot outside.”

“I’m fine, thank you” she rubbed her suddenly moist palms on her skirt

Bridget got out a can of Coke nevertheless, placed it on the stool close to her guest, and dragged a chair to sit opposite Priscilla “I’m really happy you came, I was beginning to lose all hope.”

She smiled in response, unsure of how to start and the elderly woman understood her distress.

“Talk to me dear” she said gently, “Tell me what’s wrong.” She placed a hand on Priscilla’s shaking hands as tears racked violently through her slender body. It took a while before the crying subsided and she was able to regain control of herself, dabbing the offered tissue gently on her swollen eyes.

“I’m tired, I’m just tired. Nothing is working I have tried everything and nothing is working” she hung her head bitterly in sadness “My husband doesn’t want to have anything to do with me.”

“Tell me about it dear.”

She looked at her new friend’s steady gaze “I don’t know where to start from, it’s just so difficult.”

“Tell me where you want to start from” Bridget replied gently

“It’s just that my marriage has fallen apart and there’s too much at stake, there’s too much depending on it.”

“Like what my dear?”

Priscilla used a hand to wipe her tear stained face “My mother” she said in a small sad note “My happiness.”

“What is your mother’s part in all this?”

“She was the one who brought up the idea of marriage in the first place”, the expression on Bridget’s face released a scornful laughter from her. “Can you believe it? My own mother…”

“I can imagine how betrayed you must have feel…”

“I think that’s an understatement, I feel like a pawn in a big chess game. You know what that feels like to depend on people to make your decisions for you. Everything even down to the clothes you wear.”

Bridget shook her head full of grief “It’s such a suffocating way to live.”

“I have tried all I know to make this marriage work but ever since I lost the baby it’s grown from tolerance to pure hatred” her voice shook in frustration “And now, Tunde is cheating on me.”

“Tunde is your husband?”

Priscilla nodded vigorously amid her tears sniffing into the role of tissue in her hand. “I’m tired, I’m so tired. I deal with insults from my mother, my husband and his family…it’s like I live in my shadow!” It took a while before she could comport herself amidst her loud sobbing. Bridget’s warm and strong hand clasped around hers had a way of comforting her. This was what she wanted, a shoulder to cry on, someone who would listen to her and make her feel like she counted for something.

At length Bridget finally asked, “What exactly do you want for yourself Priscilla?”

Priscilla stared back at her through blurry eyes “I just want to be happy”, she replied in a broken voice.

“Why can’t you be happy? What do you think is the reason for this sadness?”

She blinked, she had never thought of that.

Bridget asked again, more firmly this time “I guess you don’t know the answer to that, do you? Can I tell you something?”

“I just want to know how to save my marriage”

Bridget smiled and looked straight at her and said, “What is the problem with your marriage?”

“We are not happy, we…”, Priscilla’s wailing was cut short by her companion’s sharp tone.

”How can you cure a patient when you don’t know the ailment?”, Bridget asked rhetorically. “If you think there’s a problem what exactly is it?” she coughed and continued, clearing her throat “If you need my help then we have to know what it is we are solving. Has he ever beaten you? Aside from that I really want to know why you want this marriage saved if indeed you can’t stand each other”

Priscilla just stared at Bridget wondering why she hadn’t seen this side of things before “If we separate all profits of the firm revert back to his family except if I have a child of which the percentage of profits revert to the child but seeing I am not pregnant it’s impossible to leave him now”

Bridget shook her head sideways in clear disapproval “So this is why you’re with him?”

“My mother wouldn’t have it any other way except I’m pregnant.”

“What about you?” She asked full of concern “What about you? What do you want?”

“To be happy” Priscilla replied in a small voice “To feel the wind blowing in my hair, to feel free.”

“Then it begins with a choice my dear. You have to decide if you ever want to be happy and I tell you, the first choice starts with choosing God because I tell you without Him, there would always be this emptiness inside you, you’d feel like you are not fulfilled”

“That’s how I feel, like there’s nothing, like my heart just feels empty and heavy” she looked distantly at the ceiling “It’s because my marriage is failing right?”

“No. It is because you are filling up your mind with nothing. Things that hold no value compared to God” They sat quietly after what Bridget said; those words had touched her down to her soul. She felt weak and tired of fighting, tired of meditating over things that grew worse, she felt tired of being pushed around and tired of carrying the weight of depression.

She wasn’t as close to God as this woman but after what she heard, she felt like maybe God actually cared, maybe God actually mattered, maybe he cared enough to help her. A scripture drew itself up in her head: Jeremiah 29: 11, Priscilla recited the bible verse in her head and smiled. Yes, she felt comforted within her; she felt like she actually mattered, He cared. The organs began to sound from below but this time, this time it was just a violin; God give us Christian homes. This time a tear slid down from the side of her eye, this time she felt calm and renewed.

“They are playing it again”

“Yes” she replied with a soft smile “It’s a good hymn”

“Our resident pastor loves it, so do the organists”

Priscilla nodded and closed her eyes contented to just sit there and drown in the slow fluid tones. She expelled a breath a smiled this time to herself. Mrs. Bridget was right; she found herself thinking, remembering the time she gave her life to Christ when she was a teenager so full of hope and impatient to begin life as an adult. This indeed was the first choice.

“In marriage it doesn’t matter what your reasons are entering into it. It won’t save you because marriage is a different life all together, its either it works or it doesn’t and either way, the blame falls on both partners and not the reason for getting married. Tell you what dear,” Bridget said frankly “Go and figure out the problem and that’s where you’d save your marriage.”

Priscilla got up and smiled “Thank you very much” she said full of gratitude, “I’m so grateful”

Bridget got up too smiling as though they never had such discussion “Don’t worry dear, we thank God, oh my!” She exclaimed looking at the time “It’s already half past seven, I didn’t know so much time had gone.”

“Me neither”, Priscilla replied with a short laugh as she walked towards the door with Bridget behind her.

Bridget held her still for a moment and she turned around wondering what the matter was.

“Priscilla”, her tone was flat. “Whatever reason you have for wanting to save your marriage is between you, your conscience and God, make the right decision.”

Priscilla nodded slowly unable to break that awkward pinned gaze. To her amazement, Bridget laughed shattering the induced tension and she joined her laughing wondering what it was. The woman was a bountiful mixture of characters.

“Let us pray” Bridget said and she held her hand, still smiling.

To Be continued


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