Unlimited Jokes and Funny Moments:


Teacher: How do
you stop an
elephant
from
charging?
Akpos: Take away
his credit
card.
DAILY JOKE



NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-08-18 10:56:03

343 Views




S.C.H.O.O.L. = Six Crappy Hours Of Our LivesRelated

TD writing for Chad:
.
I loved our father. He taught his three children a couple of things very early in life. When Tango and i were three. He taught us what lake were and told us the names of two great African lakes. Chad and Tanganyika. When our sister got to that age too, five years after us, he taught her what enclaves were and gave her an example of one in Africa. Lesotho. So at three, we each knew the meaning of our names and it was impossible for us to forget that our father loved African Geography a little too much. I love my name.
.
He also taught us to fear nothing. He repeatedly hammered into us for many years that fear was acrostic for False Expectation Appearing Real. I didn't remember any of the four words of the four of the acrostic when i was staring at the figure that came into the room few minutes after i was unceremoniously dropped inside. Actually, i couldn't remember because at that moment two things were impossible for me to do. One, not fear. Two, to ever consider the image before me as anything Appearing Real. He was two-feet-from-me real.
.
Please do not get what i am about to say wrong. Truth is i would love my father again if i had him for a father a second time and now that that is impossible i'll always honour his memory. If my father had seen the figure that stood before me at that moment, he would have soiled his pants in dread, and he wouldn't have needed to apologize to me his 'have no fear' discipline. I would have completely understood.
.
I had nothing in me to soil my pants with - i'd emptied my bowel before embarking on my prank-trip-gone-wrong. There was enough to wet my pants with however, and i did, unashamedly.
.
I will attempt to describe what stood before me with a bias on the side of humans by assigning the pronoun 'he' to it.
.
First, he was bucknude but for an excuse of a panties for his 'man' parts. Then, he was black. I am referring to the black of Kiwi polish and not negro black. Only his eyes and teeth were different. He had the body and limbs of a seven-foot king-kong. His limbs ripped with muscles, evident of enormous strength. His face looked like a plastic surgery gone horribly wrong. It seemed whoever put the face there didn't measure the diameter of the head first. The facial parts were grotesquely oversized. The ears were almost at the back of the base of the skull. The eyes were blood-red. When he moved toward my cringing pile on the floor, i noticed his motion had the smoothness of a glide, completely out of place with his monstrosity and grotesqueness. He moved like a reptile. If a pair of wings had unfurled from his back at that moment, i'd have been sure he was an escapee demon. But as he was, he was a horrible nightmare. God didn't create him. I was sure.
.
"My apologies, Doc. It's a new day already. Good morning." Despite the state i was in, i couldn't help but wonder at the incongruity of his dentition compared with his frame. They looked out of place on him. They were perfectly arranged and sparkling white.
"I apologize for the way you were brought here. You are a very special guest of the house." His oversized lips smiled as he spoke.
"Untie him." Swarthy came in to obey Nightmare's instruction. I was half expecting him to apologize for the way he carried and dropped me in the room. I said i was half expecting.
"You must be hungry now. But house rules say you can't eat if its not daylight. That is" he moved his grotesque head like someone making a mental calculation of something, "six hours from now. So till them. I am sure you will be just fine. Make yourself comfortable. Sleep well. We have a bid day ahead. See you at sunup." With that he returned and glided out of the room. Swarthy followed him and locked the door after him. They kept the light on.
.
I sighed when the door shut. I realized i had been holding my breath while wetting my pants. I gingerly stretched my aching limbs and rubbed my hurting temple. I felt safe for the moment. Till 'sunup'. Nothing like an escape plan came to my mind. In fact, nothing like a plan, the only thing in my mind was to sleep. Whatever was ahead, i shouldn't be feeling sleepy through it. I'd be better off sleeping now. I slept off immediately i landed on the mattress on the floor of an otherwise empty room.
.
I had a dream.
.
>> Day 2B -

Boy: Happy B’day.

Girl: ThankYou.

Boy: Tell me what do you want.

Girl: ummm Nothing.

Boy: No, tell me.

Girl: chod na:

Boy: chal. ????

?#?blocked?Related

insult [Read it]


A nursing mother entered a bus going to ring road and as she was about to come down the bus driver said madam your son is very ugly the woman became angry ???? and told a passersby and the passersby said you know what? Go and beat the driver while I hold your monkey ???? for you


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-07-06 14:17:58

256 Views




NAMELESS (EPISODE TWELVE) STORIES DA VIBA
Please do not share without taking permission from us, thanks for reading.
:
:
“I hope the goods are safe this time?”, he asked as he called after Segun jokingly.
When Mr Godson got home that evening he was determined to let the cat out of the bag.
“She would be shocked receiving this news, but probably she would give into the idea that it would work out”, so he thought within himself.
When he entered into his house, he found his wife not in the sitting room, so he decided to check the kitchen due to the sweet aroma he perceived.
When he got to the kitchen, he saw his wife preparing something eyes catching. He walked slowly without making a sound and held her on her waist.
She smiled knowing that it was her husband mr Godson. They talked for a little while, then mr Godson said “Honey I want to tell you something”.
Mrs Miriam replied “ok tell me honey”, she left what she was doing and looked at mr Godson in the eyes.
When Mr Godson looked at Mrs Miriam in the eyes, he lost courage.
“I can’t tell her of my new plans, She’d be mad at me, if she gets to know about my plans of adopting a son”.
He finally summoned up courage as a man and told his wife. When Mrs Miriam heard what he said, she was pleased with it and accepted.
Mr Godson was very glad, to hear his wife accepting his plans.
He planned to go to the charity home, the next day to adopt BOY.
Later the next day, when he went to the charity home, he was shocked of the news he received from the Charity home; which was the least thing he bargained for.
BOY had been adopted by another couple who were more financially buoyant than he was (So he heard, welcome to Nigeria where money sparkles wildfire).
Godson couldn’t explain the deprivation he felt, when he was told that BOY has been adopted by another rich family.
He had always loved BOY during their encounter and after hearing his story from the charity personnel. He drove home to tell his wife of the disappointment.
…..MEAN WHILE BACK AT BOY’S NEW HOME..
“Welcome to your new Home”, The family announced to BOY who stood in awe, roaming his eye around the whole edifice. The grey magnificent house, looked so exquisite that it can be reckoned HEAVEN ON EARTH.
Mrs Esther, noticed the countenance of pronouncement masked to Boy’s face, as he looked around. He was taken inside where the exotic furnish of the interior succumbed to wealth in general.
The plasma TV, glued to the wall at the hypotenuse part of the house, with the varnished dining table radiating brilliance, if looked from one vanished point based on perceptive drawing.
The house would be summarised as being Flawless. He was later shown his room which looked bigger than his previous territory (orphanage home).
The smile embroider, on his face, after he had consumed the sumptuous meal, which made sleep grew more visible as he journeyed to the dream world.
……MEAN WHILE…..
Esther woke up panting and crying surprising her husband Adam.
“What is it?”, Adam asked troubled.
She narrated, to her husband of how she met a boy in her dream who claimed to be the child she had dumped during her teen years, she reminisced over the words of the boy in her dream.
“Mother how could you? you had a chance to redeem me but you chose to humiliate me, You rendered me homeless, nameless, and worthless. You forgot about what we most have achieved, if we were together. What if your mother did the same to you?”, The boy concluded crying in her dream……..to be continue.
This story is brought to you by Stories Da Viba and was written by;
1). Nonsegzy
2). Evybliss
3). Princeprezide
4). Dindy
5). Blexxybaby
6). Nelly
Watch out for episode 13, your comments are needed… Please like our page on facebook “Stories Da Viba”


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Episodes: >>

ogun idile [Read it]


A student failed JAMB 5 tyms. 1
day, she travelled 2 visit her frnd
in UNILORIN, she fell sick & was
admitted to a hospital there. She
later called her mum & said...
GIRL: Hello ma
MUM: The place is silent,whr r u?
GIRL: I'm in UNILORIN
MUM: Oluwa ose o
GIRL: I was admitted
MUM: Jesu o se o, Olorun ti doju ti
ogun idile wa ti ko fe kio kawe
(laughing & dancing)
GIRL: Malaria ni
MUM: Malaria ni course ti won
fun e, course gidi ni o, kawe e
daadaa o
GIRL: I would b discharged
2moro MUM: Olorun ma je, 4 yrs
lo ma lo loruko Jesu.



NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-11-11 23:11:30

545 Views




Akpos and his wife was having a walk one evening. As they pass the nearby market a handsome guy selling meat waved Akpos`s wife and she responded. "Who was that" says Akpos. "He is my very good customer that use to sell meat for me well. I like him so much.", responded the wife. Akpos wasn`t happy inside him but he kept it to himself. As they kept going, Akpos saw a girl by the other side of the road and waved her. "Honey who was that girl?" said his wife. She use to rob my back when u stay long at the market.




NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-03-03 16:38:02

1275 Views



Safe cracker [Read it]


The local bank near a large prison had a problem opening their safe one day. Seems that the mechanisms working the combination failed, so they called the prison to seek help.
The prison had a convicted safe cracker in custody. They released him under guard and took him to the bank to see if he could open their safe.
The convict worked on the lock for quite a while but finally he was able to open the safe.
The bank president was delighted to see his safe opened without having to have it ruined in the process, he turned to the safe cracker and said, “Thanks for helping us out here, how much do we owe you?”
The safe cracker replied, “Well the last time I did one of these jobs I got about $100,000!”Related

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.Related

money man [Read it]


Three business associates, an Igbo man, a
Yoruba
man and a Chinese man, went to eat lunch
together at a restaurant in Surulere.
While in the middle of their food, a fly came
in
through the window. It flew across the table
to
where the Igbo man was but he just waved
his
hands to chase it away.
The fly then went to where the Yoruba man
was,
he also chased it away.
Finally, the fly then went to where the
Chinese
man was and was flying close to his ears.
The
Chinese man looked at the fly for sometimes
and
then grabbed it, put it in his mouth and
swallowed
it.
The other men saw this but just kept on
eating.
Five minutes later, another fly came in and
flew to
the Yoruba man who just chased it away
again.
It then flew on to the Igbo man but this time
he
did not chase the fly, he looked at it for
sometime
and then grabbed it. He then turned to the
Chinese
man and asked How much u go buy am?



NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-08-16 10:44:57

294 Views




Little Akpos was having a problem with
his homework. "Dad," he asked, "What
is the difference between anger and
exasperation?" "Well, son," said his father, "I'll give you
a practical demonstration." His father picked up the phone and
dialled a number, "Hello," said a voice at
the other end. "Hello," said Akpos' father. "Is Kwame
there?" "There is no one called Kwame here!"
the voice replied. "Why don't you look
up numbers before you dial them?" "You see?" said Akpos' father. "That
man was not at all happy with our call.
But watch this!" He then dialled the
number again, and said, "Hello, is
Kwame there?" "Now look here!" the voice said angrily.
"I told you there is no Kwame here! You
have got a lot of nerve calling again!" "Did you hear that?" Akpos' father
asked. "That was anger. Now, I will
show you what exasperation is!" He dialled once again. And on hearing
the voice at the other end, Akpos' father
said, "Hello! This is Kwame. Have there
been any calls for me?"
#BOLLY_SMART™®


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-04-05 22:54:06

339 Views




- When We Will Be Strolling Home Jejely From School And Someone Whispers"the Last Person Is A Fool"
- D Moment U R About Gettin A Strong Beating From Ur Opponent But U Dnt Wanna Give Up Because Ur Frnds Are Hailing U"bruce Lee..Bruce Lee..Bruce Lee.."
- When U R About To Enter Ur Calss Nd U Hear "Evribody Kneel Down" U Dnt Nid An Angel To Tell U To Turn Around
-when U Buy #10 Ice Cream And After The First Two Sips D Whole Stuff Turns White
- When U Want To Kip Malice Wit Ur Frnd Nd U Will Be Lyk"beta Beta Fullstop Ekpors"
-when U Just Get Promoted To Ss3 And U Want To Show Off U Enta A Junior Class Nd U Will Be Lyk "xo U Guys Cnt Grit Evribody Kneel Down"
- Wen U Sleep With New Newly Bought Things



NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-05-09 14:06:15

207 Views




... the pastor calls on the woman to give her testimoney. praise the lord the woman shouted. i am here today to testify...b4 b4, na small boy dey cary me, both truck pushers, they will only give me 500 but since pastor prayed for my busines, na ministers, commisionars, president dey carry me. in fact, na big big men they do me now. i have enough money now that some nights, i no dey collect money, they dey do me free of charge. if you think say na lie, ask the pst becos i no dey colet mony from him. #B-goF.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-01-09 15:38:35

1223 Views




We rarely think that people have good sense unless they agree with us.

~ F.RochefoucauldRelated

Small ailment [Read it]


Akpos went to the doctor concerning an ailment he
had. The following conversation took place between
them:
AKPOS: Please don’t laugh at me when I reveal my
ailment.
DOCTOR: Of course I won’t laugh! I have been in this
profession for 30 years now and I have never laughed
at a patient no matter the ailment.
AKPOS: OK then. Akpos proceeded to drop his trousers
and boxer, revealing the tinniest penis the doctor had
ever seen which was no bigger than a biro cover.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling,
then fell laughing to the floor.
Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet
and regain his composure. “I’m so sorry,” said the
doctor. “I really am. I don’t know what came over me.
On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise
it won’t happen again. Now, what seems to be the
problem? Do you want a penis enlargement?”
Akpos replied, “No, my penis is swollen.”



NAIRAJOKES.COM







2014-10-07 09:34:26

389 Views



MARA episode 26 [Read it]


Many things about tomorrow
I don’t seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know he holds my hands
He sang sonorously as his tears fell to the ground
My heart got swollen within me and I almost wished I had some powers to calm his fears
“What’s your name?” I asked and he stopped playing the keyboard
“I am Jabez Maradene” he said and my eyes widened
Jabez?
Maradene?
Isn’t that Mara?
Those two names, I had never heard anyone being called by them ever!
“Why?” I asked and I realized that I might have asked a very ridiculous question
He smiled ruefully
“I was born in affluence as the only child of my parents.” He explained on and I nodded
He looked really affluent.
Fresh body
Fresh hair style
Fresh spoken English
Fresh everything!
“My dad was the only child of his parents. Both parents of his were also only children” he said and I was speechless
Partial barrenness!
That was the name I gave to such!
“Same thing with my mum.” He said and it really killed it all.
“Wow!” I spat out
He gave me a ‘You have not heard anything look’
I listened
“I had achieved a lot of feat all my days on earth. At 8, I won the America’s got talent show and it was a really great wonderment” he said
“I was called Daniel Williams then” he said.
So what made him change his name?
Daniel and Williams are very great combinations of names
“I am a Pilot. I studied Aeronautics in the university and it’s been great until last year” he breathed heavily as tears rolled down his face
I felt like holding him in a very warm embrace but how could I hold someone else’s husband close to my chest?
I felt weird about the slightest thought of that.
But what could have happened over the year?
What could have made him to go blind suddenly?
“But you must understand the braille well?” I asked and he shook his head
“How?” he burst out crying, holding firm the keyboard stand
“I became blind last year…late last year!” he added and I shook my head in grief
“What happened?”
He explained how his wealthy father was assassinated and as they mourned his death, his mother was killed in chemical air pollution in their home a week later. His mother had died protecting him.
Tears ran down his face uncontrollably
“She bent over me, covering my nose with a wet cloth so I could still breathe while she inhaled the murderous substance” he said in a shaky voice
Did he know Jesus then?
“Yes we were saved. We all trusted and believed Jesus but we must have been careless that we didn’t notice that there had been an intrusion of a devil incarnate. It would be the handiwork of a close acquaintance who seeks to inherit my father’s estate. I am sure of that” he said further
I wondered how he got the sight loss then
“I lost my sight…”
How comes this guy knows and answers every questions in my heart that I hadn’t even asked for?
How?
“That was the gift God gave me immediately I realized that I was blind. The gift of revelation” he said again and I was amazed
“So as I was saying, before my mum covered my face with the wet cloth, I had inhaled some of the substance. So, in the process of covering my eyes with a wet cloth, I exhaled the chemicals and I choked, my eyes watered and I was there for like 45 minutes before my mother’s hands slipped off me and she gave up the ghost” he cried as he completed the story.
I had started crying too
What motherly love!
I couldn’t hold it again as his story sunk in my skull.
I went close to him and gave him a very large hug.
He held me tightly as if I shouldn’t go again and we wept together
Many questions ran through my mind.
We were just so the same.
We had lots of similarities
But who named him Mara?
How did he get back to Nigeria?
“I didn’t see her face. I didn’t see her face. Before she died” he lamented
“Awwwww” I uttered silently as my face hugged his, feeling his thumping, hot head against mine
“As I noticed that she had slumped, I removed the clothes to check her and then I felt it against my skin- her very cold and stiff body. As I groped in the darkness of my misfortune, someone covered my face with a towel and dragged me away while I screamed and fought for my life. I thought I was going to die but I woke up to find myself at the Nnamdi Azikwe International Airport, Abuja, still blind” he narrated on, still in my embrace.
Wow!
Which is worse- mine or his?
“A man told me that he was going to Nasarawa and asked for my destination and I quickly said that where was I going to Nasarawa too. He gave me a lift to Nasarawa and I alighted. I found help to the nearest church and that was how I found myself here two days ago. I had been praying since then” he said and I heaved a loud sigh before we disengaged from the hug
But how did he possibly get that name?
“Jabez Maradene was the name on the passport with which I travelled back to Nigeria. It was a really planned job by whoever did it and ….” He covered his face.
“And you have come to accept the name? Is that it?” I asked again
“I have just come to accept reality. But God has consoled me though. He told me that someone who could relate with my problems would come to me and that from her, I would rise again.” He said and I paused
“And that person is me?” I asked
“Yes. He said I would became even greater than I have ever been” he said and I looked away in doubt
He must have heard God wrongly.
Me?
Even I need help
Exactly what is he saying now?
What is this?
My breasts became fuller, very heavy and I quickly held them in pain
My hands became wet.
I looked at my blouse and it was soaked
Breast-milk?
Don’t remind me of my pains oh Lord
“Madam Glory!” I heard a familiar voice call from outside
My doctor!
Then I had the ‘wien wien wien’ sound
“A baby?” I asked suddenly, pulling at Daniel’s hands
Daniel smiled as he looked at me as if he could see me
“Let’s go home with our baby mum” he said and I withdrew from him quickly
He knew about this too?
I looked towards the door and there was my doctor smiling graciously with her pastor behind her with a baby wrapped in a shawl in his arms.
My heart leapt for joy
I placed that aside as I faced the budding issue at hand.
But how do I house a fully grown man in my house?
How?
How do we get food and all?


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A boy came back from where he went and watched match..

SON: MUM where is my food?

MUM: It is where chelsea is..

SON: Mum, U mean it is at the buttom of the table??

MUM: YEs! U are brillant my son..

Have a nice day!


%Nazature...


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-09-13 16:53:00

512 Views




The door banged .."who's there ..hold on. susan open to c a suspicious smile on a suspects face..."wont u welkum ur darling bf in" requested wizzy winking at her d door pulled bak.."oh my goodnes, why not. kum in hun! susan said at a wink.. meet kiszy my tight nigga said wizzy balancing on a sofa in d smal rum..they shook handz n laf in fun.. "so to what do i hold dis visit" she asked. wizzy{sternly}..meaning...cnt ah visit ma ex anymore..go prepare me a hot perper soup jor..he stared at her sexy shape ..she was barely dressed in a short flimsy gown exposin part of her succulent breast and a large portion of her hipz...her behind was nufin to write home about. she smiled..ur addicted to peper soup hun! " yea u already know datz ma favorite. kiszy hid an evil smile..pepper soup ..favourite indeed.. "oboy dat gal go taste pepper" he reflected on wizzy's last sentence as they they made a journey of***an encounter wid... WORST NIGHT MARE down here
what popz next...continue d seriez in episode 3


NAIRAJOKES.COM




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A Farmer caught a thief who had been stealing his yams
and decided to drag him to the village square. Half-way to
the square, the thief said to the man:
THIEF: “please I have forgotten my slippers in the farm, can
I go and get them?”
The farmer agreed, “Hurry up! I will be waiting for you
here.”
He waited endlessly and realized he had been fooled. He
went home and told his elder brother what happened.
His brother brutally slapped him and said, ”You are
extremely dumb! You should have told the thief to wait
while you go get his slippers for him..
WHO DO YOU THINK IS THE FOOL?


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-09-16 20:29:42

481 Views




One touch of nature makes the whole world kin.

~ William ShakespeareRelated

10 STUPID QUESTIONS PEOPLE ASK
.
1. You see identical twins, you
still dey ask 'na twins be dis'?
No bros, na picmix...lol
. 2. Nepa brings light and
everyone in the neighborhood
shouts 'up Nepaaa'! My guy ask
me, O boy na light be that?
No oh, Na Holy Ghost fire! Lol!
. 3. You see person dey vomit, you
still dey ask am 'you no well'?
Em well, e juz dey practice how
to vomit.
.
4. You just wake up from sleep person come ask you "you don
wake?"
No oh, I come buy bread wey I go
chop for dream.
.
5. You see woman wey born new pikin u ask her "madam u don
born? " No ohhhh, she buy am
for OLX...
.
6. You greet person "good
morning ma" ! She ask, my pikin you don wake?
no ohhhh, I dey sleep walk...
.
7. My guy ask me "O boy where u
dey?" I tell am say i dey bank, nd
him ask me "Wat is happening there?"
Nah new yam festival.. *LMAO*
.
8. My neighbour sees me
opening the gates to drive out
and asks me, U dey comot? Not at all... I be the new
gateman...
.
9. I dey watch film… my guy enta
come ask me "Guy na film u dey
watch? No naa... I dey discuss with
Osuofia...
.
10.U see me dey chop indomie
come dey ask me, O boy, na
indomie u dey chop so? No ohhhh... Na fried rubber band
mixed with thread.
.
As it stands now, abeg i need to
ask u guys just one question,make u'na no vex abeg.
Shey na Nairajoke be dis



NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-02-27 13:29:01

801 Views




Akpors and his friend Ofego had some chores to do, but
they had been putting it off, due to laziness. One day they
decided to call a police station near them.
AKPORS: “Hello, Is this the Nigeria Police?”
A voice from the other end replied, “Yes. And asked, ”What
do you want?”
AKPORS: “I’m calling to report my neighbour Ofego. He is
hiding cocaine in his firewoods.”
POLICE: “This will be noted.
The next day, the police came to Ofego’s house. They
searched the shed where the firewoods were kept, cut
every piece of the firewoods into two, found no cocaine,
and left.
Akpors called Ofego on the phone.
AKPORS: “Hello Ofego! Did the Police come?”
OFEGO: “Yes!” He replied.
AKPORS: “Did they cut your firewoods into two for you?”
OFEGO: “Yes they did.” He replied.
AKPORS: “Okay! Now it’s your turn to call the police. I want
my land to be cleared.”


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-11-14 09:42:01

496 Views



a tour to 9ja [Read it]


an American tourist came to 9ja and met a fine gentleman at the airport. TOURIST: hi im michelle from America, i'v heared that u Nigerians answer a question with a ''question'' is that true? GENTLEMAN: ah ah! madam, and who told you that? guess the name of the gentleman!!


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-10-14 15:39:04

447 Views




My girlfriend called me on phone and she said:
Hello honey, you know I love you so much, I have
been looking for how to prove more of my love
for
you, please Baby I want you to come to my
House for a lunch with your Friends, I asked her, WHEN?
She replied; any day you will be chanced,
I said okay and the date was fixed.
I started informing my friends about it and they
all agreed to go with me, some suspended what
they would have gone to just to follow me to her house as demanded.
On the day, I and my friends were set to leave
and I called her baby
we are on our way to your house, and she
replied "please babe
i can't wait to see you guys" and we were very happy but unfortunately when we got to her
house,
I called her again to let her know that we are
close to
her house, she replied: "Baby are you serious?
Hahahahahaha, I was only joking oo, you know how we normally joke naa" ,
i got embarrassed but I
pretended, I ended the call.
I asked my friends to know if they heard my
conversation with her but they didn't,
so i told them that she asked us to wait at the hotel that she will soon join us,
we left to the hotel and I ordered for their needs.
Shortly I picked up my phone and shouted:
WHAT?
Guys we need to leave here now, I just received
information now that Boko Haram are on their way to
this place and
we all left the Hotel. None of my Friends knew
what happened because it would have been so
shameful to me.
... IT'S NOW MY TURN TO JOKE..
Two week later, I called her, baby I just received
a
letter from my Village that I should come back
home for my
Chieftaincy title and they said I should not come without taking a wife, you know
you
are the only one I have so I want you to inform
your
parents and they should fix a date for our
introduction and it should be next week because we
need to leave for the village before this month
runs out.
She was so happy and
she informed her parents just as I ordered.
They started preparing and everything was in order. On the fixed date, I
was in the Office when my phone rang,
She was the one calling,
Baby where are you? I replied:
we are close to your house, she happily
said Okay. After a while she called back to know where I
was
again, Baby where are you " she said"
I replied: Baby are you serious you believed what
I told you?
Hehehehe I was only joking oooooh, You know how we use to joke na.
She started calling me names and said I am
wicked!
.
Please Am I wicked?


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-02-06 10:32:37

1164 Views




Question of the day?

A girl sends her boyfriend who lives in another town a letter which read "I am sorry but i'm in love with a young,cute, adorable, intelligent and handsome guy. So i want us to end our relationship since I no longer love u. Please send my picture back to me. 2 DAYS LATER, The guy sent her an envelope containing 50 different pictures and a letter which read "PlS am sorry but i have forgotten your face so please select ur picture and send the rest back to me".
Now This is my Question: WHICH OF THEM BROKE THErnOTHERS HEART THE MOST?.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-08-30 18:50:48

1421 Views




Boy: Hey, do you like water?

Girl: Yeah.

Boy: Good, then you already like 70% of me!Related

My maths score [Read it]


In secondary school, I was exceptionally poor
in Maths and Chemistry. Amid exams,
I'd get somewhere around 2% and 8%. The
outcomes utilized to be declared out from the
least to the most elevated marks, So I would
dependably be the first Or second to be called
out.
One day, the Maths results were being
discharged also,
my name was not among the first to be gotten
out. The teacher got to 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s &&
70s. Still my paper had not been gotten out.
Everybody continued taking a gander at me
asking " Gentleman wats up? How you take do
am?" lolz,
And the teacher went on to the 80s and when
he got to 88%, He had one paper remaining. I
then asked myself, might I be able to have
scored a 90% in maths? I was feeling
extremely on edge,i had fumbled to.my fwends also to be the highest mark today furthermore, glad now that I knew I had
demonstrated the so called virtuoso off-base,
Might I be able to have become 88%? I
thought my fantasies have been replied...
The entire class was stunned as each one
continued taking a gander at me. It was
Unbelievable.
At long last the teacher gazed upward and said,
"There is a cow that did not write his name on
the paper that scored 0%.
On the off chance that you have not gotten
your paper come and get it now...
I collapsed....

#still holaroluwa





NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-12-15 11:36:37

305 Views




Yoruba man watering his farm under heavy rain

Igbo man see ripe mango on d tree,he climed d tree 2
confirm d ripeness, den he came dwn 2
pick stone to pluk it

Hausa man walking on a bush path, he saw smtin
dat luks lyk poo, so he bent down nd tasted it
and said "heey na poo o, tank
God say i no match am"


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2014-12-19 08:10:29

178 Views



Teenage Love. [Read it]


**PART ONE**
CHAPTER 1…….
It was a bright saturday morning
on the 7th of september 2013.
Akinola oluwasegun was walking
along a popular street in Ibadan,
Oyo state. He was dressed in a
white T-shirt and a black pant
trouser and a black vickers shoe.
He was on his way to Loyola
College, a government owned
secondary school around Agodi
gate GRA Ibadan for his WAEC GCE
exam.
He entered into the school
compound and walked towards
the school building. Being his
first paper English Language, he
had no idea of where the
examination hall was situated.
So, he had to ask for help from
other candidates who had come
the previous days for chemistry
practicals and Commerce. He
walked up to a girl seated on the
staircase reading to ask for the
help.
“Hello, good morning.” he
greeted.
“Good morning.” she replied.
“Please, are you here for exam?”
he asked.
“Yeah.” she replied.
“Okay. Please, which way is the
examination hall.” He asked.
“I don’t know. This is my first
time here.” She answered.
(disappointed) “Okay, lets ask
others the way to the exam hall.”
He adviced.
“Okay.” She replied standing up
and dusting her skirt.
*TEN MINUTES LATER*
The invigillator walked into the
exam hall carrying a green sack
with the inscription; WEST
AFRICAN EXAMINATION COUNCIL.
No 62. He was accompanied by
five teachers of the school.
A laptop was removed and with
a thumb printing device attached
to it.
“Line up for your biometrics.”
one of the teachers barked.
After the completion of the
biometrics. The candidates were
asked to sit down according to
their numbers. The answer
booklets and the question
papers were first distributed
before the attendance was
marked. The paper lasted two
and a half hours. The paper
ended by 11:30am and they
were given 3hours break before
the commencement of the paper
2&3(objectives & the Test of
Orals respectively).
Outside the examination hall,
students were seen in group,
some in fours, in fives and so on
discussing and arguing over the
just concluded paper.
Oluwasegun(segun for short)
wast sitting alone under a big
three near the school football
pitch. He was flipping through
the pages of the WAEC English
language past question. Just then
someone tapped him from
behind. He looked up and saw
his cousin Omolayo Akinola.
He stood up and hugged her.
“What are you doing here?” he
asked.
“I came to greet my friends
writing their exam here. She
answered.
“Where is your centre?”
“Ikolaba grammar school.”she
replied.
“Most of my friends are in that
centre.”he said.
“Are you the only one here?” she
asked.
“Yes, am the only one here from
my school.”he answered.
“You must be feeling lonely
o.”she said.
“Yeah”………
The gisted for like ten minutes
before Omolayo stood up to go,
“Let me introduce you to my
friends over there.” she said
pointing to a group of 2 boys
and 4 girls gisting.
He stood up and followed her
towards the group. Immediately
they saw them approach they
stopped talking.
“Where have you been? One of
her friends jummy asked
Omolayo suspiciously.
Ignoring her question. “Meet my
cousin, Segun. Segun meet my
friends.” she introduced.
“Hi guys.” he greeted.
“Hi.” They chorused.
They all hung around till it was
1:30pm, 30minutes before the
next paper.
“Bro, i think we should get going
so, we won’t be late.” Omolayo
said.
“Alright, bye. Segun answered.
Omolayo left with four of her
friends remaining two who were
also in segun’s centre. Among
which was Jummy.
–to be continued–


NAIRAJOKES.COM




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wisdom quote [Read it]


Some journalist came to visit Bill Gates and
during
the
interview they asked him
"Sir, how did you feel when you made your first
1
billion dollar?
The billionaire turned right but saw no one.
All his workers
had gone on their
daily 1 hour break but turning left he saw one
diligent
worker moping the floor.
He called the worker,wrote something on a
check
and gave it to the man.
The man took the check and as he saw his
name
with 1
billion dollars, the mopping stick immediately
fell
from
his hands,he jumped up so high that he
almost hit the
ceiling
and
then ran out of the house shouting like a mad
man.
Then bill gates turned to the jourmalist and
said
"That was how i felt when i made my first 1
billion dollars.
Prayer: God will send such a helper to you and
that you
will be at the right place and time to receive
it.
Type "Amen" to claim it.







NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-06-10 21:16:24

384 Views




I was sitting in the living room watching TV when I heard the front door open. I knew it would be my brother and Grey. I'd prepared myself. Unfortunately Grey wasn't some random guy that I could just ignore, he was apart of my life whether I wanted him to be or not.

For the first day after our kiss I hadn't heard anything from him but a day later that he sent me a message me.

We need to talk.

I had ignored him. A few hours without a response he'd sent me another one.

Harp we need to talk about what happened.

But I'd ignored that message too. After that he'd tried to call me a couple of times but I refused to answer. I wasn't going to let him off that easy. After what he'd put me through he could sweat it out for a few days. Besides ignoring him for the last two days had made me feel a little better. It was a little childish but I couldn't help myself.

The moment he entered the room behind my brother I felt the heat of his gaze on me. Stubbornly I kept my eyes fixed on the TV screen in front of me refusing to meet his. My parents were out for the night at a function for my father's work.

"What crap is this?" Alex asked when he'd dropped into the seat beside me. Grey sat into the beside him.

"Entertaining crap," I shot back without batting an eyelid. There was no way I was going to change the channel. Alex was a pain. If I wasn't watching something he found interesting he referred to as rubbish and whined until I gave in and changed the channel. But this time I wasn't going to give in.

I kind of felt like I gave in all the time to keep the peace but that wasn't going to happen anymore. Like before I would have pretended nothing had happened between Grey and I. I would have just acted like normal but that wasn't going to happen anymore.

I was done being a doormat.

My brother had glared at me for a few minutes before he let out a frustrated sigh and got up.

"You want something to drink?" he asked his friend.

"No, I'm good," he answered and my brother stalked out the room to the kitchen.

A uncomfortable silence descended. Although I was staring at the TV but I wasn't seeing anything. I was so aware of the asshole who'd kissed me and then apologised it was hard to concentrate but I was determined to ignore him.

All I had to do was remember that feeling in my chest when he'd walked out the room. That same feeling made me angry so there was no way I was going to let him off the hook that easily.

"Harp," he said my name so softly.

Finally I faced him. He was looking at me with his soft blue eyes and it was hard not to get pulled in by them.

"on't," I said. I tried to remain calm even though my stomach flipped at the sight of him. If I showed him how angry I really was than he might figure out that the kiss had meant more to me than it should have.

"We need to talk," he whispered. It was obvious he was trying to keep what happened from my brother. It was the first time I thought about how Alex would react if he found out.

"There's nothing to talk about," I said shutting him down straight away. It had been two days since the party and I'd had enough time to figure out what I would say to him when the time came.

He got that familiar determined look in his eyes that I was used to but I wasn't going to let him get his way.

"You had your chance to explain but instead you walked out," I remind him. He pressed his lips together. "I'm not some groupie that you can use when you feel like it," I told him.

"That's not-"

"I don't want to hear it," I cut him off with a wave of my hand.

My brother's return stopped any further conversation between us and I kept my eyes on the TV. Alex opened the a can of soda as he sat down beside me.

The doorbell rang and my brother looked at me with a questioning look.

"You expecting someone?" he asked.

"Yes," I said before I stood up and went to the front door to answer it.

"Hey," Aiden greeted me when I opened the door.

"Hi," I greeted him with a smile.

"I hope I'm not too early."

"No, it's fine," I assured him. I stepped aside to let him inside. "I just want to let me brother know that I'm going out."

He followed me into the living room. Alex stood up and began to give Aiden the once over brother glared. He always did that when I brought a guy home. It was like I needed his permission, which I didn't but he struggled to understand that.

I saw recognition in Grey then anger when he saw Aiden. It was hard not to enjoy the smugness I felt at his visible reaction to seeing my friend.

This wasn't a date. After the whole thing with Grey we'd decided to just stay friends. Besides it probably wasn't the best idea trying to jump into something with someone else when I still felt the way I did about Grey.

Somehow I had to work through those feelings first before I could hope to move on with someone else.

I introduced Aiden to my brother and Grey, even though he'd already met Grey. My brother sized him up as he shook his hand.

"I'm going out," I told my brother. "I'll be back later."

Grey shook his hand reluctantly unable to make a scene in front of my brother without having to explain why. It was difficult not to allow my smile to widen.

I got my jacket.

"Where are you guys going?" Alex asked still eyeing out Aiden.

"None of your business," I told him as I took Aiden's hand. I didn't miss the slight clench of Grey's jaw as his eyes took in the small action.

I led Aiden out of the living room and out of the house.

"Sorry about that. My brother is a little protective," I apologised as Aiden opened the passenger side of his car. I got into the seat before he closed the door.

"It's fine. I'm used to over protective brothers," he said as he got into the driver's seat. "What I'm not used to is the jealous best friend."

I shrugged. Before I would have analyzed everything to death hoping that it proved that he cared for me the way I wanted him to. But now I didn't care. After the way he'd treated me I wasn't going to give him the power to control my every emotion.

"Has he tried to talk to about what happened at the party?" he asked as he pulled out of my driveway.

"Yes but I'm not interested in what he has to say." I crossed my arms. "He had his chance and he left like a coward."

Aiden gave me a side glance before turning back to watch the road.

"He might have a good reason why he acted the way he did," he said.

"Whose side are you on?" I asked glaring at him playfully. I was done talking about Grey and I didn't want to spend our evening talking about it.

"I have your back and you know it," he reassured me.

"Good because I don't want to talk about him. You promised me an evening of fun and I'm holding you to it," I reminded him.

"How does miniature golf sound?" he asked.

"I probably should have told you I'm a deadly weapon with a golf stick," I replied with a smile that spread across my lips.

"Really?"

I nodded my head.

"Once I connected with my brother's head because he was standing too close when I took a swing at the ball," I revealed starting to laugh. From that moment on my brother had always ensured he was stood a safe distance away from me when I held a golf club.

"Thanks for the warning," he said me with a smile.

I was already enjoying our evening. This was exactly what I needed.


NAIRAJOKES.COM




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Pain is unavoidable but suffering is optional!Related

He came in the night and wispered sweet nonsens in my ears. He bites, he sucked, he penetrated me, and i saw blood. When he was through he just got up and left..... Bloody mosquito.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-02-04 16:56:05

1020 Views




BLIND BY NATURE EPISODE 19 (STORY BY DINDY)
please do not share without talking to me personally and asking for permission, thank you for reading this story...

Doctor: "[Breaths out heavily] Not again", he said.
Mr Smart: "What is it Doc?", he asked.
Doctor: "I have always warned her not to disclose any info about any patient to anyone even to the people who brought the patient", he said.
Mr Smart: "Oh, hospital's rules I guess", he said.
Doctor: "Yes, it's also for the safety of the patient because most times the person/people might actually be the reason why the patient is in that present state", he said.
Mr Smart: "Oh, I see, please pardon her", he pleaded for the nurse.
Doctor: "I will but I have to teach her a lesson", he said.
Mr Smart: "Ok sir but please let it not be too much", he said.
Doctor: "Ok sir, will think about it", he said.
Mr Smart: "Doc, i wanna ask you something", he said.
Doctor: "Please go on sir", he said.
Mr Smart: "How come he recovered so fast?", he asked.
Doctor: "That question is what i'm still asking myself", he said.
Mr Smart: "[Surprised] Are you serious?", he asked.
Julian: "[Smiles] Dad.... Of course he is", she said.
Mr Smart: "Julian c'mon, i was surprised", he said.
Doctor: "[Smiles] You guys are one funny comedy zone", he said.
Mr Smart: "Doctor don't mind my Little girl, she just enjoys rubbing my mistake all over my face, so doc back to what you were saying", he said.
Doctor: "[Smiles] Sir, he has a strange and rare system, it's like something I have never seen before, his blood cells and tissues were quick to heal all wound within a short period of time", he said.
Julian: "[Surprised] That is serious", she said.
Mr Smart: "So he is a super human?", he asked.
Doctor: "[Laughs] No he is not, he is just an ordinary man", said the doctor
Mr Smart: "No ordinary man will 'heal so fast' like you said, but yet you call him ordinary", he said.
Doctor: "Sir it is kinda twisted, it's like saying he is an ordinary pencil with double easier attached to it", he said demonstrating.
Mr Smart: "Oh now I understand", he said.
Julian: "I hope he speaks English?", she asked the doctor.
Doctor: "[Laughs] Yes he does, he is not an alien", he said.
Mr Smart: "Don't mind my daughter, he tends to ask silly questions sometimes", he said mocking Julian.
Doctor: "[Smiles] Ok sir, by the way sir, his name is 'CELESTIN'", he said.
[WRITER SPEAKS]=> As she heard his name, her hearts started beating real fast (with joy), she felt like a bird in the sky high above the clouds. So many thoughts ran through her mind which made her less attentive to what the doctor and her dad was talking about.
[JULIAN'S THOUGHT]=> His name sounds so lovely, i just wonder how he really looks like, i'm sure he would be more handsome than i imagine.
Mr Smart: "Ok sir, can we see him now sir?", he asked.
Doctor: "Sure we can", he replied him.
[WRITER SPEAKS]=> The doctor got up first then so did Mr Smart and julian (with the help of her dad), They all walked out heading to where Celestin was roomed; the doctor lead the way with a file in his hand while Mr smart held Julian's right hand with his left hand to assist her as she walked with her guard-stick. They passed 4 rooms before they got to where Celestin was (they had been there before), unlike the other time that they didn't go inside; this time they went inside.
[WRITER SPEAK]=> Celestin laid lost with bandage on his head, hands, and legs. As he heard the door open he moved his body upwards in fear.
Celestin: "[Talks slowly] Who is there?", he asked.
Doctor: "It's me Celestin", he said.
Celestin: "ok", he said slowly relaxing back his fears knowing that it was the doctor.
Doctor: "How do you feel Celestin?", he asked while Mr Smart and Julian kept quite and stood close to him.
Celestin: "[Talks slowly] I feel pain but it ain't too serious sir", he said.
Doctor: "ok, you have two visitors", he said.
Celestin: "[Talks slowly] Who are they?", he asked.
Doctor: "The man who mistakenly knocked you down and his daughter", he said.
Celestin: "[Weak voice] Ok", he said.
Doctor: "Please don't ask him too much questions, he needs to rest", he said to Mr smart and Julian then left.
Mr Smart: "I am very sorry for knocking you down", he said apologizing.
Celestin: "[Talks slowly] No need for you to be sorry", he said.
Mr Smart: "[Surprised] Why?", he asked.
Celestin: "[Breaths in slowly] Everything I had was gone already", he said.
Mr Smart: "Can you remember any of your relatives?", he asked trying to know where to start on the hunt of Celestin's family search.
Celestin: "The doc most have told you that I can't remember where I came from right?", he asked.
Mr Smart: "[Shocked] Yes, how do you know that?", he asked.
Celestin: "[Talks in very very low voice] I'm a good guesser", he said.
Mr Smart: "Maybe I should leave you to rest more", he said.
Celestin: "[Talks slow] Yea", he said closing his blind eyes to rest.
Mr Smart: "[Whispers] Julian stay hear wanna see the doc will be back in a few", he said.
[WRITER SPEAKS]=> Mr Smart sat Julian Down on a seat close to Celestin's right hand side and left, immediately he left and shut the door silence took refuge and occupied the living existence of them both. Silence existed only physically but not deep within their thoughts.
[JULIAN'S THOUGHTS]=> His voice sounds so weak and lovely, dad shouldn't have asked him so much questions, I just wish I have enough courage to talk to him.
[CELESTIN'S THOUGHTS]=> [Slowly] Why can't I remember my family? What is really going on?, how come i can't fully remember my past? what is wrong with me?. I have nothing now, not even a house to leave, my life is so hopeless, wait what do i hear?, Someone is still here? who could it be?.
Celestin: "[Talks slowly] Who are you? and why is your heart beating so fast", he asked hoping to hear the reply of the unknown person who sat close to him.
[WRITER SPEAKS]=> Julian was afraid and confused, she didn't know what to do at that moment, she became mute.
....MEAN WHILE BACK AT JULIAN'S HOME.....
[WRITER SPEAKS]=> Julian's home, was now a land of literature works since the arrival of (literature master) Aunty Grace.
Mrs Rose: Grace please don't question me please", she said as she picked up her phone to send a message.
Aunty Grace: "[Talks super fast] Please don't misunderstand my hungry words", she said.
Mrs Rose: "I don't misunderstand you, i only don't understand what you are vomiting out of your vocabulious mouth.....to be continue.
STORY BY DINDY AKA NNAMDI
contact me on
Whatsapp/Viber: 07087750433
Email: [email protected]
or
Email: [email protected]
Facebook: Ossy andy Nnamdi
Skype: 07087750433
or
Skype: [email protected]
Twitter: @nnamdiossy
INSTAGRAM: @ossynnamdi


NAIRAJOKES.COM




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7UP got it’s name from being 7 ounces.

UP was slang for bubbles way!Related

Bad Buisness [Read it]


A conversation between two sellers…


Uche: Akpos, how’s business?


Akpos: Business is really bad! Yesterday I sold only one dress.


Uche: That’s really bad. How about today?


Akpos: Worst! The person who bought the dress yesterday returned it today.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-06-14 10:52:27

417 Views




Abino met a girl on facebook, after introduction of
each other
Abino: what is ur name?
Girl: Lovett
Abino: where do u work
Girl: I am a fashion designer. And u? Abino: am a managing director, I have my own biz
Abino: ok that is good I like u so much, more than
2 sim china phones
Girl: mmmmhhhh dats lovely thanks
After few months as Abino was trying to open up
gate for his master to go out he met the girl coming towards him shouting buy sweet bread and butter'
on her head, they both germ each other face to
face.
Abino: Ah! Ah!! ..is this ur shop
Girl: Ah! Ah!! Oloshi .... stupid Manager #AoN


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-07-21 23:13:18

808 Views




I AM AKPOS THE GREATEST LIAR ON EARTH
Can u beat that?
(1) My dad jst bought a
generator dat uses palm oil.
(2) I just finish praying on Lagos/Ibadan express way.
(3) We use to have 7 swimming
pools in my house until armed
robbers stole 6.
(4) Hummer 7 that uses water.
Come and see it in my daddy's
garage.
(5) Hope u guys know dead sea?
My dad killed it.
OYA!
CHALLENGE ME WITH URS IF YOU CAN


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-06-08 13:21:09

559 Views



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