Unlimited Jokes and Funny Moments:


Naija police will
give you trouble
for almost
anything
POLICE: “Why is
your laptop bag
empty, you
want to steal a
laptop and keep
it in the bag abi?
Oya, enter the
motor!”


“Oga, this your
Range Rover
Sport car is fine
o. Oya, use it to
hit that wall
there let’s see if
your airbag is
working.”
“Oh! So you
don’t want to
use it to hit the
wall abi? Oya,
park!!! I say park
before I break
your head with
my baton.”


“Why is your car
not having A/C?
You want to use
heat to kill
yourself. You
want to commit
suicide abi. Oga,
park well!”


“The picture on
your driver’s
license, you
carry Afro (lots
of hair), why do
you now carry
low cut? Come
down now!.”


“Why do you
have fertilizer in
your booth? You
are growing
weed abi? Follow
us to the
station!”


MAN: “He
snatched my
WALLET and I
was about to
shout “THIEF”
when three
HEAVY slaps
landed on my
face. I didn’t see
anything for
thirty minutes
except STARS.”
POLICEMAN: “Can
you describe the
stars?”
#CTB #B-goF


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-11-27 21:21:35

487 Views




Mila Kunis was only 14 when she first starred in “That 70’s Show”. She had lied to the producers claiming that she was 18.Related

Jeeto: What did you learn at school today?

Pappu: Obviously not enough, I have to go back tomorrow.Related

Three thieves, Akpos, Emeka and Eze, were
taken to court, and found guilty.
The Emeka stole a tin of sardine. The judge
sentenced him to three years in prison
because there were three fishes in the tin.
Eze stole a tray of eggs, he got 30 years in
prison because a tray of egg contains 30
eggs.
Akpos collapsed. He stole a bag of rice
One word for him?


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-07-19 00:47:24

1156 Views




An engaged couple were at the bride to be’s family home doing wedding planning stuff. The mother and father had to leave after a while. The bride to be, realized she needed more envelopes for the invitations.

“I’m going to run into town with Suzy. You just go ahead and stay here.” she told her fiancee.

After she left her eighteen year old sister came down. She was smokin hot, and wearing a slutty little getup. She had always been a bit catty towards him, but today she was giving him a look he’d only seen in her older sisters eyes before.

“Everyone going to be gone a while…” she said smiling. “Why don’t you come upstairs and have one last fling before you get married.” She winked at him as his jaw dropped. Halfway up the stairs she dropped her panties and tossed them down towards him.

Sitting there in astonishment he watched her go upstairs. The next thing you know he bolted for the front door.

Outside was his finacee, her best friend Suzy, and his future in-laws.

The father grabbed him in a big hug and said “Son! Welcome to the family. Sorry I had to do that, and get everyone in but I had to make sure you were really as good a guy as my daughter has said.”

The moral of the story is Always keep your condoms in your car.Related

Eva was bored. She had been in the hotel for
six hours now, yet there was no word from
Corporation. She knew she would be
contacted. One of Eva’s strengths was her
patience. She was never in a hurry. She had
kept herself company with a bottle of red wine
from the well-stocked fridge. She opened her
email for the umpteenth time to check her
messages. Still nothing. It was a few minutes
past 9pm. She couldn’t take another second
of the boring hotel. She went on the internet
and searched out the nearest club. The wine
was beginning to have effect on her and she
needed to unwind. There was a strip club
about 30 minutes south of the hotel. It was
the perfect way to unwind and let loose.
Wearing a provocatively short mini skirt and a
chiffon see through blouse, she stepped out of
the hotel. Eva routed all her emails to her
mobile phone just in case Corporation decided
to send her a message. She had not had fun
in quite a while. She had every intention to let
loose and go wild.
*************************************************
Sean passed by the Redeemed Camp at
exactly six minutes past ten. He put off his air
conditioning and wound down the windows.
He needed the gentle wind that blew him as
he sped through the Lagos-Ibadan
expressway. About an hour earlier Sean had
driven by Shina’s convertible. A small crowd
had gathered around the car. He knew what
had happened but he had to be sure. Parking
his car away from the growing crowd, he had
walked over to the scene. He managed to
make his way through the barrage of bodies
and got to the front. Shina’s lifeless body lay
face up in a shallow gutter, both hands on his
stomach. Sean looked round at the faces of
the different people that gathered. Gloom,
sadness and fright could be seen on every one
of them.
As he walked back to his car, he heard tiny
whispers of how it was possible that the man
in the gutter was a ritual killer and had met
his waterloo. Still others whispered in low
tones that he must have done something
terribly evil to have met that kind of fate. If
only they knew.
As Sean got into his car and sped away, he
had a slight feeling of guilt and remorse.
Shina did not do anything against him to
deserve to die. He had pondered for hours,
how he would take Shina out. He had settled
for the poisoning, feeling that poisoning him
would give him a quick, painless and private
death. It was not his intention for Shina to be
humiliated this way. Shina was a very good
man. A man of honor. Class. Taste. Finesse.
Sean was even in awe of him sometimes.
There were times that he wondered how a man
could be so meticulous. Shina was good at
noticing every single detail. Pity he did not
see his death coming. Orders were just what
they were; orders.
As Sean connected Ikorodu road to the Lagos
Ibadan Expressway, he called Sophia.
“Voice recognition. Make me one blabber
blubber bulging bunch of balderdash.” Sean
spoke to his high device phone now connected
to the sound system of his car.
“Voice recognition initiated. Welcome Agent
Bravo.” A mechanical feminine voice replied
from the speakers of his car.
“Thank you Iris. Call S.” Sean said, not taking
his eyes off the road.
He wound up the windows and put on the air
conditioning.
“Calling S… Do you want to block all incoming
transmissions?” The Voice replied.
“Yes Iris. This is a Code Call.” Sean replied.
“Call Connected. Call Secure.” The voice
replied.
The next voice that came on was Sophia’s.
“Hey baby. You miss me?” Sophia said
smiling.
“I wish I did. Sadly, I do not.” Sean replied
and continued
“Target is deactivated. What next?” Sean
finished.
“Good. Can you come over? I really miss you
inside me.” Sophia said sounding er0tic.
“I am currently en route Hotel Paradise as the
instructed in the Mission Command. I guess
I’m next on the hit list, aren’t i?” Sean said
with deep seriousness in his voice.
“Sean, I recruited you myself. No one touches
you. Besides, if you are going to die I will have
to do it myself. And I don’t see that
happening anyway. You, my love are in the
master plan of the Corporation.” Sophia
assured him.
“Why did Shina have to die?” Sean asked.
He had been dying to ask that question ever
since he read the Mission command. However,
bringing up such questions at the time would
mean he was questioning authority. It had
happened before. Mission commands were
switched and the initial target had
automatically become the executioner. He
knew better. Now that he had achieved ninety
percent of his mission objective and was now
heading to the hotel, he felt it was safe
enough to ask.
Besides, he and Sophia had developed a bond.
“Shina was compromised. He made contact
with the other side. Four years ago we noticed
his unusual distaste for Execution Missions.
He rejected three execution missions,
preferring Extraction Missions. He was the
best Extractor the Corporation ever had and
one of our best agents, so we really did not
think anything of it. However, when he rejected
the last mission to take out the Governor, the
General had me look into him. So I planted
Eva in his care. I knew he had a soft spot for
her right from the first day he extracted her.
He dotted on her and took her in his wings.
So when I made him take up Eva as his
protégé, he was more than happy to. What he
did not know was that Eva had her
instructions too. She was to spy on him and
make him fall madly in love with her. However,
she had to be subtle about it and make sure
he was scared enough to tell her his true
feelings. She passed in flying colors and
delivered Shina to our hands. Are you still
there Bravo?” Sophia said.
“Go on S.” Sean said.
He slowed down to 80km/hr. and kept to the
right lane of the road.
“The Governor Mission was a very important
one and we needed it to be very clean. Only a
Super-Agent could perfectly execute it. Shina’s
refusal to take it up only shined more doubt
on his loyalty. The rest of the Super Agents
were busy with other assignments, so no one
else was available”
“Then you guys decided to hang the mission
on my neck. What if I had flopped? What if I
could not pull it off? The Super-Agents have
56 years’ experience combined. I had a
meager two. You surely were betting on the
wrong horse, weren’t you?” Sean interrupted.
“We took a huge risk. We had no choice. But
deep inside, we had this confidence you could
pull it off. You are the fastest risen agent ever
in the Corporation’s hundred year history.
That was the little hope we held on to.”
Sophia replied.
“So after I had taken out the target, who the
hell came up with the idea of torturing me?”
Sean asked
“Actually, that was my idea. I needed you to
be strong. Besides, I can’t have a weakling as
my right hand man. I fell for you the first day I
saw you, when I picked you up on that lonely
path. Ever since then, all I wanted you to be is
what you are now. Besides, is this not
supposed to be about Shina?” Sophia asked.
Sean was passing through Ogere now. The
once very busy road had now become
isolated. During the day, scores of young lads
would flock around the window, advertising
different kinds of edibles. There was usually
light traffic and cars moved at an agonizingly
slow pace, coupled with the policemen who
were conducting searches and checking
vehicles.
Now, Sean just cruised through. No hindrance.
“What did he do exactly?” Sean asked.
“Shina became born again. He wanted out. He
did not want a part of crime anymore. How
that happened, I cannot tell. Eva intercepted
one of his phone calls. He was watching
football with friends and had left his phone in
her room after one of his visits. A certain
number had been calling him continuously.
She picked his call, acting like she was his
wife. It was the Superintendent of Police and
he wanted them to meet at the usual place.
Eva began to keep track on him and
eventually had him bugged. We have six tapes
of different meetings. He wanted to confess
everything in exchange for protection and
100million USD. He even squealed out that
something big was going to go down. He did
not know what it was yet and was waiting for
the information before he finally spilled his
guts. That is why you had to take him out.”
Sophia explained.
“Serves him right anyway. I have to go now.
I’m already behind schedule. See you soon
sweetheart.” Sean said.
“I’ll be waiting dear. Be safe.” Sophia said.
Sean waited a few seconds then said more
audibly,
“Thank you Iris. Terminate Call.”
“Call terminated Agent Bravo. Anything else I
can do?” The computer asked
Sean thought for a while.
“Iris, how long is it from my current location
to Hotel Paradise at current speed and
altitude?” Sean asked
“Processing Data… please wait.” Iris replied.
After thirty seconds, Iris replied
“Approximately forty five minutes, Agent
Bravo.” Iris said.
“Thank you Iris. That would be all” Sean said.
“Have a safe trip sir.” Iris replied.
Sean shifted gear and increased his speed to
120km/hr. He wound down the window again
and put off the air conditioning.
He just wanted to get everything over with.
***************************************************
***
The General stood at the back of his house,
rain pouring on him. He wore a long black
mafia suit and gazed on the ground before
him. His hands were behind him as he stood
motionless, his dark shades protecting his
eyes from the drops of water that fell from the
heavens. He did not shed a tear as he stood
alone as he had done for three days now. He
bent on one knee and dropped a single
hibiscus flower on the tombstone.
On the tombstone the epitaph read:
“Here Lies The Remains of Tawo Marcus
Kushim. Brother, Friend, Son.”
The General got up and took off his glasses.
Not a single tear dropped from his eyes. His
eyes were red. Fiery Red.
He walked to the head of the tombstone and
kissed it gently. He smiled.
“You had it coming, didn’t you T?” He said to
himself.
“But guess what? Our code still remains. An
eye for an eye. An arm for an arm. A tear for a
tear.”
The General walked away from the tombstone
and moved towards the huge brick house.
As he opened the door, he turned and took
one last look at where his son lay buried.
“A life for a life.” He said.
He entered the house, shutting the door
behind him.
**********************
Ambrose got to the Capital where he was
ushered into a dimly lit office. He waited for a
while before he was joined by a grim looking
man with three tribal marks on each cheek. He
got up to greet the man but the man waved
him off, asking him to sit. He presented his
special letter to the Head of the Presidential
Security.
“I see that you come highly trained and
recommended. Your statistics are really
impressive. Why do you think we should bring
you in?” The HOPS asked.
“It has always been my dream to serve my
country in a special capacity. I only want to
help my country in the way my talents can be
fully utilized. What better opportunity than to
be in the Special Presidential Protection
Squad? None sir.” Ambrose replied.
“Have you been interviewed?” The HOPS asked
“Yes I have sir. I have been interviewed in
archery, sniper shots, hand to hand combat,
gun slinging and infiltration.” Ambrose replied
“How long did that take?” the HOPS asked
“Four hours sir.” Ambrose replied.
“Are you sure you went through all the
prerequisite interview drills?” the HOPS asked
amazed.
“I did everything that was presented to me
sir.” Ambrose replied.
Just then his computer beeped informing him
he had an email.
“Your interview results just came in. You were
in the 99th percentile in all drills. Really
Impressive. How soon can you resume?” The
HOPS asked.
“In a week’s time sir. I would want to clear
with my family back in Lagos sir.” Ambrose
replied.
“Alright then. When you are in the Capitol, call
me directly. Congratulations Peter.” The HOPS
said and gave his mobile number.
“Thank you very much sir.” Ambrose replied.
They shook ends and Ambrose left the office.
As he prepared to board a plane to Lagos, he
sent an email to Sophia.
“I’m done.”
***************************************************


NAIRAJOKES.COM




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Akpos:Baptizing [Read it]


Akpos Went For Baptising.He Was Dipped Into Water Three Times,At The Third Time,The Pastor Said "You Have Been Baptised,You Are Now A New Creation,You Shall No Longer Be Called Akpos,Your New Name Is James"...James Got Home,Went To His Fridge,He Brought Out A Bottle Of Heineken,He Dipped It Into Water Three Times,After The Third Time,He Said "You Have Been Baptised,You Are A New Creation,You Shall No Longer Be Called Heineken.Your New Name Is Orange Juice.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-01-19 07:25:41

299 Views




ATM Machine at Punjab Is Not Working..!!

.

.

.

.

.

.

Bcoz

.

.

.

Santa’s Wife Put Hair Pin in Machine

When it said “Enter Your PIN”.Related

Boyfriend: Mujse Shaadi Karlo Mera Bahut Lamba Hai.

Girlfriend: Kya?

Boyfriend: Anubhav!

Girlfriend: Theek Hai. Mein Taiyar Hu. Aur Hain, Mera Bhi Kaafi Gehra Hai.

Boyfriend: Kya?

Girlfriend: Aatmavishwas!Related

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. 


All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door. (Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he will with me.")


The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10" ("And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.").


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-03-23 22:23:27

225 Views




Zindagi Ka Safar Toh Ek Haseen Safar Hai;

Her Kissi Ko Kissi Na Kissi Ki Talash Hai;

Kissi Ke Pass Manzil Hai, Toh Raah Nahi;

Aur Kissi Ke Pass Rah Hai, Toh Manzil Nahi!Related

“What?, what’s the reason for that?. Why
will the police want to search my room?” I
asked desperately. “They just want to search
all the rooms in the lodge.
According to them it’s the procedure. You
are not the only person, so you have to come
as fast as you can or else they might break
into your room when it gets to your turn” he
explained patiently. “Fine I’ll be there” I
murmured half-heartedly, breathing deeply.
It really took me about two hours to make
up my mind on returning to the lodge,
because I was so scared that the police might
find something in my room. A lipstick, lock of
hair or anything incriminating. I feared.
Though I was so sure that I wiped my room
clean before travelling, but they were experts
and I was scared something could be found
somehow.
However I finally returned to my lodge very
late in the afternoon with the hope that my
room has been broken into. But on the
contrary it was as I left it (still locked).
I quickly met the hostel president with
questions in my heart and Immediately he
saw me he smiled, offering his hand for a
handshake. “It’s very fine you showed up
today. All the rooms that are yet to be
searched will be searched tomorrow.
Some students travelled like you did which
is very bad and as a result the cops decided
to search the rooms of available students
today while the locked ones will be searched
tomorrow whether the owners return or not”
he explained, settling my curiosity.
I returned to my room a bit relieved and
satisfied, quickly cleaned up everything in it
one more time, washing the bed sheet
Nmeka laid on over and over.
In fact, I made sure my room was very
much in order before resting that day.
My room was so clean that the three
policemen who searched it early the next day
commented
on it.
“Seems like you are the cleanest student in
this lodge. Your room is so clean” one of
them said to me as he tossed around my
properties, without suspecting a thing. I
smiled nervously.
Unknown to them the room they were
searching was the main crime scene and they
left without finding anything, leaving me a bit
relaxed.
“What next?” I asked myself as I watched
them leave.
I bolted the door as they left and took a sigh
of relief with my eyes closed,resting my back
against the door.
Immediately,i heard a voice right there in
my room calling my name slowly:
“JUUUDE, JUUUDE…”
I opened my eyes and behold, it was
Nmeka sitting on my bed!

>> Page 10 -

too funny [Read it]


One morning at a doctor's office a patient arrives
complaining of serious back-pain.
The doctor examines him and asks him" OK,
what happened to your back?"
The patient replies "You know that I work for a
local night club right?
This morning I got home to my apartment early
and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I
knew someone had been with my wife and the
balcony door was open. I rushed
out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I
looked down from the balcony I saw a man
running out and he was dressing himself. I
grabbed
the fridge and threw it at him, That’s how I
strained my back"
The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been
in
a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient
looked bad, but you look terrible.
What the hell happened to you?" He replied, "You know I
have been unemployed
for
a while now. Today was the first day at my new
job.
I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I
was running out of the building, getting dressed at
the
same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit
by
a fridge."
The 3rd patient(Mr. Akpors) arrives; he looks even
worse than the other two Patients do.. The
doctor is
shocked.
Again asks,"What the hell happened to
youuuuuu.....?" "Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone
threw it
from the 3rd floor".....


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-08-09 21:47:46

502 Views




Me: Cilia do u want to burn this house
Cilia:no,i light the macthes na the fire no catch and i no see firewood for this house na im i come carry broom breakam light macthes once the fire just catch
Me: thats Gas cooker u don't u broom
Cilia: Laye see em if na amala u dey cook 5min u go finish wit the way this fire dey catch
Me: come on drop that pot and sweep this kitchen
Cilia: wat of the meat
Me: thro it away
Cilia: For why na,i go chop am
Me: watever help me out.
Me: Cilia come help me
Cilia: where u dey go
Me: we're goin to the mall
Cilia: we?
Me: yes wern***
Cilia is kinda fun to be wit she ask too much quest,we got to the mall tanx to my driver for driving us out.
Guy: hello pretty
Cilia: what do u want
Mesmile)hi
Guy: amh my name is..
Cilia: mr man she is a marriage woman
Guy: meanin?
Cilia: u no dey hear English,i say she is Marriage
Guy: Married or Marriage?
Cilia: this man na bush man oo, is Marriage
Me: Cilia
Guy: anyway am David Miles
Cilia: Dahve Miles
David: no
Cilia: Dahve abi
David: no David
Cilia: ok time for goings...

>>

A virgin is someone who has never had sexual intercourse or sexual activity.
Virginity In Yoruba Culture
During the traditional era and before the advent of colonialism, virginity was held at high esteem among the Yoruba people. A lady is expected to get married as a virgin as having sexual intercourse before the wedding ceremony is a taboo. This is the reason why the intending couple are not allowed to have close contact or be in the same room with each other before the D-day: thus, the need for an intermediary (Alarina).

Virginity to them is known as ‘Ibale’ and it is the pride of any Yoruba lady to keep hers till her wedding night.The wedding night is usually seen as a frightened day for the bride and her parents. In those days, mothers were fond of asking their daughters about their virginity so as to prevent the shame and disgrace that come with not been a virgin.
On the wedding night, a white cloth is usually given to the couple and the cloth will be spread on their bedding, mostly mats. The parents of both families sometimes stay at the entrance of the house waiting for the cloth to be brought out of the house while some parents will be in their homes expecting result. In this culture, the white cloth is expected to be stained by blood and after the sexual intercourse, if the cloth is stained, it means that the new bride is a virgin. If it turns out that the white cloth is not stained with blood, it signifies that the new bride had been promiscuous and slept with a man before.

A bride that is met as a virgin by her husband will be celebrated while the one that is not will be disgraced and banished from the village. The white cloth (stained or not) will be sent to the bride’s parents. Other items like rotten yam, half-filled matches or empty box of matches, half keg of palm wine will also be sent to them meaning that their daughter was rotten and not complete before she was married. The parents will be publicly blamed for not training their daughter. Grief, sorrow and loud cries will follow suit. Such bride that will sweep the whole village, dance naked in the market’s place before she finally leaves her village. The groom also has the right to divorce such a woman.
On the other hand, if the newly-wed was met as a virgin, the groom’s family will send a full keg of palm wine, full matches box to the bride’s parents indicating that their daughter was complete before the wedding night. She will be praised publicly and her parents will be happy. It is believed that virgins have self-discipline and are well-trained by their parents.
This custom and virginity has many advantages as it prevent the rate of fornication and helps the married women to be faithful with their husbands. Also, many lives have been lost to the act. Some young ladies have committed suicide because of the shame. Highly respected or elders can also commit suicide if their daughter was found to have lost her virginity before her marriage. This tradition is no longer in practice and has eaten deep by colonilisation.

IBALE(VIRGINITY)....ITS ALL ABOUT A MAIDEN FROM HER VILLAGE TO THE UNIVERSITY, SHE KEEPS HER VIRGINITY THROUGHOUT HER LIFE, BUT WHEN SHE GET TO THE UNIVERSITY SHE HAVE TO FIGHT VERY HARD IN ORDER NOT TO LOSE IT BECAUSE IT'S A LAW AND AN OAT MAKE BY THE ANCESTORS AND MUST NOT MISTAKENLY BE BROKEN BY ANY HOW GUY IF NOT THEIR HUSBAND

WILL THE MAIDEN LOSE HER VIRGINITY?
WHO WILL DISVIRGIN HER?
WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF HER SEAL HIS BROKEN?
WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE GUY WHO BREAK IT?
WHAT'S IS BEHIND THE LAW AND THE OAT?
WHAT CAUSES THE LAW AND THE OAT?

STAY TUNE FOR IBALE(VIRGINITY)







NAIRAJOKES.COM




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who mumu pass [Read it]


3 friends Ochuko, Johnny and Akpos went to a native doctor for ritual to be rich.

The
native doctor gave them a charm that will make them to be rich but with
a condition that they will not talk on their way home, if they do, the
charm will not work.

They agreed and left.

On the way
home a man who was owing Akpos saw him and was about to pay back. He
said; Akpos please talk the exact amount i am owing you. I have
forgotten. I have alot of money here with me now, i want to pay you
back. How much is your money?

Ochuko turned to Akpos and Johnny and said; You guys should remember that the native doctor said that we should not talk o.

Johnny said; But Ochuko you have just talked.

Akpos said; Ahhhh! Thank God i did not talk with the 2 of you.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2014-12-23 08:11:58

732 Views



One Stone [Read it]


There once was a Nigerian who had only
one testicle and whose given name was
Onestone. He hated that name and
asked everyone not to call him
Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If
anyone calls me Onestone again I will
kill them!" The word got around and nobody called
him that anymore. Then one day, a young woman named
Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good
morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took
her deep into the forest where he made
love to her all day and all night. He
made love to her all the next day until
Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The
word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call
him by his given name until a woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the
village after being away. Yellow Bird,
who was Blue Bird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you,
Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep
into the forest, then he made love to
her all day, made love to her all night,
made love to her all the next day, made
love to her all the next night, but Yellow
Bird wouldn't die! What is the moral of this story? You can't kill two birds with one stone!
#BOLLY_SMART™


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-05-04 19:55:30

215 Views



JUST AN ADVICE [Read it]


SO I WAS ENJOYING ALL THE STORIES IN NAIRAJOKES AND I CAN'T HELP BUT VISIT AT LEAST TWICE OR MORE IN A DAY. SO I AM HERE NOW TO HAVE MY SAY ABOUT THE STORIES BEING POST. TO MY AMIABLE NAIRAJOKES POSTERS, I SO MUCH APPRECIATE YOU ALL FOR MAKING THIS SITE LIVELY. MORE GREASE TO YOUR ELBOW. TO YOU GUYS PLS WHENEVER YOU POST A STORY, FINISH THAT PARTICULAR STORY BEFORE STARTING ANOTHER ONE. AND PLS DON'T KEEP US WAITING FOR THE NEXT EPISODE OR PART. THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING. JAH BLESS


NAIRAJOKES.COM




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one faithful evening Akpos slept and had a dream, in this dream he saw an angel and the Angel told Akpos that he have come to take Akpos to paradise he then showed Akpos Heaven and the beauty,so just as they were about to live satan came and interupted their meeting by telling Akpos that he would make Akpos very rich and that Akpos will be worshiped by all Men" but Akpos refused because of the beauty of Heaven,just as they were about living for Heaven,again satan shouted Akpos remember Nnekechi,Chichi and Onyema ,remember it has always been your dreams to be very wealthy and get married to the three of them?Akpos if you go to enternity with this angel you are already dead oh,but anyways sign my contract and after which you can enjoy on earth till you die and still to Heaven, Immediately Akpos heared this he signed the Contract immediately, then the Angel left and satan started laughing at Akpos,hooo hoo hooo hoooo hooo hoo, Akpos became worried and Ask satan, Why you the laugh like who won die na satan? satan replied nothing and continued laughing,hoooooo hoo hoooo hoo hoo hoo, then Akpos too started laughing then satan paused and became angry that Akpos laughing too, satan then Asked Him saying Akpos why you the laugh Akpos? Akpos didn't answer but continued with his laughing,hooo hoohooo hoooo hahahaha, satan became furious and showed Akpos the Agreement contained in the paper he signed! which Reads that you are Officially welcome to Hell enjoy wealth and Rot in Hell,immediately Akpos read this he shouted blood of Jesus from he sleep, with heavy breathing, he lifted up his hands and said thank you Jesus oh, hey!so na so,Satan for take carry me go hell fire, he turned to his right hand side of his bed only to see the contract of hell on his bed Immediately Akpos fainted,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, If it's You what will you do?


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-06-14 13:56:44

459 Views




“Your face is all warped up. Are you sure
everything is alright,” Tolu asked again.
“I’m alright… em… no… yes… I’m fine,” he
muttered.
“What are you saying? Speak out, remember
we are a couple, and up, down, we are
together.”
There was silence; a spell of seconds. Then
he spoke.
“I have been given an assignment to kill my
partner.” He said quietly, “It’s really a hard
choice, but I think I’m going to do it.”
“Kill,” Tolu broke in, “You are really going to
kill your partner…no no no, that isn’t going to
happen.”
“Let me explain,” her husband sharply said.
“You have nothing to explain. You were not a
killer, and you won’t be one,”
“The enemy of my enemy is my friend,”
“What? Elaborate. Is your partner your enemy
or a friend?”
“The thing is my partner has not been the
best of partner over the years. I have done
majority of all our dealings, while he flirts
around with women. He is dog in human skin.
He wouldn’t even mind sleeping with you,
that’s why I never introduced you him to you.
I think he slept with the wrong woman, and
her husband caught up with him. Now he
wants him dead. He offered me a whopping
N50 million to kill him. Come to think of it,
his death would profit us too. The current
dealing we are in is worth N100 million. Once
he is out of the line, I will own all the money,
no lazy partner to share it with,”
Tolu didn’t reason along with him. “You want
to kill your best friend, you want to betray
trust. Don’t you remember there is something
called Karma, what about the police and
special homicide unit?”
“Karma and police,” he made a short cruel
laugh, “What is Karma in getting the world rid
of a human dog? And about the police, it
would be a perfect murder that they won’t be
able to unravel for eternity. Two pills of
potassium cyanide in his coffee tomorrow
would create the mystery that would baffle
the entire Nigeria Police force. After that, we
can get out of sight. Maybe we relocate to
the Cayman Islands, or Maldives, and you can
learn surfing on the Caribbean Seas.
“I don’t know,” Tolu said, “I don’t want all
these. I’m not in support of blood money.”
I started to shiver under the bed. Tolu knew I
was a witness to the murder plan, which
must be why she refused to concur with her
husband. I knew Tolu well; she can sell her
mother for money, not to talk her husband’s
business partner. The night has been bizarre:
First it was adultery, now it’s a planned
murder. Tolu’s husband must be devil’s
advocate to really want to kill his partner for
money. What would happen if he saw me? He
wouldn’t even spare me a minute to say any
last prayers. I better start doing it now.
“Lord, I regret all my actions. But you know I
didn’t start to do all these by my will, I was
pushed into it by my wife. I pray you forgive
me and let me enter your heavens where river
flows under the inhabitant’s feet, otherwise,
send me to the deepest part of hell, with my
wife by my side.”
A mice screeched somewhere in the room. It
soon came running under the bed. I could
perceive its foul smell that smelt like
hydrogen sulphide, or rotten cooked eggs. I
held my breath as its smell filled the air. It
screeched again.
“Isn’t that the rat we have been looking for,”
Tolu’s husband said, springing up from the
bed, “The one that ate the N50, 000 cheque I
gave you last week.”
Tolu didn’t say anything.
“Darling, stand up. It must be under the bed;
I can smell it,”
“What rat,” Tolu complained, “Let the rat be
joor. I can’t get off this bed because of a rat,”
I couldn’t feel my heart any longer. I felt
fleshless, and my mind went into oblivion.
Let the gate open: Hell, here I come.
The bed gave way as Tolu’s husband lifted it.
And there I was, staring at him in the eyes.
The very ones I see every day at the office;
the very one of my partner whom I thought
had travelled; my business partner, Kelvin
Folarin… my would-be-murderer. And there
we were, with puzzled face, looking at the
case at hand… we were all guilty… the three
of us.

***THE END***

Credit: Kay Greins™…2013©

PLEASE COMMENT IF YOU ENJOYED THE
STORY


He swung his hand several times to confirm the drama and the python dropped and dissappeared.
He uttered a few legal jargons in protest-seduction,assault,perjury.etc.hot urine pour down his feet. He said something about demonical influences and witches and fainted.
By 3am a hunter appear with a search light and recognised him as human lump.irobi was snoring and was covered in a pool of urine,sweat,and dews.the hunter flashed his light to know if he had been knocked down by a motorist. He saw no wound or bruise on him. The hunter touched him and unexpectedly he sneezed and opened his eyes. The hunter who came from onumiri umuocheala asked him a few question to confirm if he was derange:
Who are you?
I am irobi.
From where are you?
Umuocham.
Irobi was articulate in answering the barrage of question which the hunter asked him.When he had satisfied himself that the young man was normal and needed help,he helped him to rise and gave him water from his haversack to drink. Then,irobi narrated his story to the hunter who confirmed that he had encountered a mermaid spirit.
Irobi regretted his actions. He realized that he should have gone home after the match with his friend Emma. What was the fun of trying to use ones left hand at old age? He asked himself. He saw himself like proverbial hunter who had caught a well-fed vulture in a trap and had taken it home as a bush fowl only to discover that it was a taboo. Tire and puzzled he pondered on the hazards of living with a spirit wife like 'chika' and said to himself at the end: 'oh, all that glitters not gold'.
Will the spirit leave irobi WATCH OUT 4 IROBI IN THE LAND OF THE SPIRIT....,


NAIRAJOKES.COM




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panties [Read it]


Akpos wife had requested for panties so many times.finally Akpos want 2 make him glad and buy 20 panties,same type.same colour.after his wife checked it out.the said.'Ah dear,d same colour,what will people say,they wil think dat i wear only one pant.


who and who will see d pant.?.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-06-21 21:42:10

498 Views




The awkward moment when

everyone is talking during the class

but the teacher only hears your

voice. ????Related

fire [Read it]


This church that they are shouting
FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! this early
morning... I don't understand if
they are aware that the filling
station opposite their church hav
started selling fuel...
.
.
....
Lemme just pass b4 they say it


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-11-13 09:30:12

704 Views




Akpos and a man show up in Heaven at the same time.
Akpos says he froze to death, and the man tells him that he died of a heart attack.
"How did that happen?" asks Akpos.
"Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But
when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken
with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot." Akpos shouted "Jesus!, If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."



NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-04-14 08:22:57

372 Views




A teacher was helping her students with a math problem. She recited the following story: “There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?”
A boy pauses. “None,” he replied thoughtfully.
“No, no, no, let`s try again,” the teacher says patiently.
She holds up three fingers. “There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one,” she puts down one finger, “how many birds are left on the wire?”
“None!” the boy says with authority.
The teacher sighs. “Tell me how you came up with that.”
“It`s simple,” says the boy, “after the gunman shot one bird, he scared the other two away.”

“Well,” she says, “it`s not technically correct, but I like the way you think.”
“Okay,” chimes the boy, “now let me ask you a question. There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?” he asked.
The teacher looked at the boy`s angelic face and she writhed in agony, turning three shades of red. “C`mon,” the boy said impatiently, “One is licking the popsicle, one is biting and one is sucking. Which one is married?”
“Well,” she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, “the one who`s sucking?”
“No,” he says with surprise, “the one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think!”Related

Why do women live longer than Men?

Because shopping never causes heart attacks;

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.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

But paying the bills does.Related

Akpos was newly appointed as a clerk in a bank.

The manager of that branch was fond of Literature and books.

He asked Akpos, ”Do you know William Shakespeare?”

Akpos replied, ”No. In which branch is he working?”



NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-01-27 14:44:48

224 Views




Applying a cotton ball soaked in white vinegar to a fresh bruise can help reduce the darkness around the wound.Related

I NEED WATER [Read it]


An Arab was walking through the
Sahara desert, desperate for water,
when he saw something, far off in the
distance. Hoping to find water, he
walked towards the image, only to find
a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out
on it. The Arab asked, "Please, I'm dying
of thirst, can I have some water?" The man replied, "I don't have any
water, but why don't you buy a tie?
Here's one that goes nicely with your
robes." The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie,
you idiot, I need water!" "Okay, don't buy a tie. But to show you
what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that
over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a
nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll
give you all the water you want." The Arab thanked him and walked away
towards the hill and eventually
disappeared. Three hours later the Arab
came crawling back to where the man
was sitting behind his card table. He
said, "I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?" The Arab rasped, "I found it. They
wouldn't let me in without a tie."
#BOLLY_SMART™®


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-04-26 19:43:45

352 Views




Teacher: Today, we are going to learn singular and plural.
"Ok Anty!" the students shouts.
Teacher: (IS) Singular, (ARE) plural. We use IS for a single item while we use ARE for multiple items.
"Can anyone give me an example?" The teacher asked.
Favour: Obi IS a boy; Obi and Ada ARE my friends.
Teacher: Thats correct. lets clap for her.
the student clapped.
"Any other example?" the teacher asked
Akpos hand shoot up.
Teacher: Ok go ahead.
Akpos: how IS you?; I hope you IS fine;....
The teacher got provoked and said "Shut up! ARE you mad?"
Akpos: IS you talking to all of us?


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-11-21 09:12:15

581 Views




Love Letter From A Mathematics Guy To
A Science Girl... Dear Love, Right from the day I set my eyes on you,
I knew there was an EQUATION between
this QUADRATIC attraction. I couldn't tell
you because I was afraid of the DIVISION
that will DIVIDE my love for you. My
heart couldn't forget the SIMULTANEOUS EQUATION between us. I tried to GRAPH
out how to present my TRIGONOMETRY,
but I wasn't sure of the PROBABILITY
that you will accept. Now, I have the PROGRESSIVE SERIES to
tell you. Please, make sure this
PERMUTATION and COMBINATION
between us is secret because I don't
want any BINARY OPERATION to
interrupt. LOVING YoU IS CONSTANT AS 4 FIGURE
TABLE. The Science Girl reply; Hi, Sincerely Maths boy, I don't have any
CHEMICAL COMBINATION for you. All I
have for you is the love of IDEAL LAW. I
know you can see the difference
between CHARLES and BOYLES LAW. My
boyfriend is ROBERT HOOKE, who is described as the father of CELL, in which
you cannot live without. You are not an
ELEMENT in my PERIODIC TABLE and if
you are there, you must be among the
TRANSITION METALS because I don't
usually notice them amongst my FIRST 20 ELEMENT. I already have an
ELECTRONIC CONFIGURATION for my love
which can neither be created nor
destroyed as stated by The 1st LAW OF
THERMODYNAMIC. I'm sorry that your CHEMICAL EQUATION
is not balanced. Stop making your heart
bubble in love for me because HATING
YOU IS CONSTANT AS O2 (OXYGEN) http://
buff.ly/1WYAd9k
#BOLLY_SMART™


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-05-10 23:17:46

1373 Views



types of ladies [Read it]


Types of Bank in Nigeria.. 1.A girl who ask 4 money all d time is called "commercial bank" 2.A girl who calls yu 4 food always is call "Agricultural development bank" 3.A girl dat uses ur money to take care of oda family members is call "National investment bank" 4.A girl who is very faithful to yu is called "Fidelity bank" 5.A guirl who loves every available man is called "Access bank" 6.A girl who dates man 4rm different countries is called "Intercontinental bank" 7.A girl who doesn't demand too much money is called "Micro-finance bank" 8.Dating a woman older dan yu is called "Wema bank" 9.A girl who always faithful nd trustworthy to her guy is called "Guaranty Trust bank" 10. A girl whose guy disvirgin her is called "First bank" 11.A girl who uses all ur money to buy jewelries is called "Diamond bank". HENCE which bank is ur girlfriend?


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-06-29 10:17:33

399 Views



WRONG MAIL [Read it]


A Man Checked Into A Hotel.There Was A Computer In His Room,So He Decided To Send A Mail To His Wife.He Accidentally Typed The Wrong Email Address Without Realising.He Sent The Mail To A Widow Who Has Just Returned From Her Husband's Funeral.The Widow Decided To Check Her Mail,expecting Condolence Messages From Relatives And Friends.The Son Rushed Into The Room When He Heard The Sound Of His Mum Falling.He Saw His Mum Lying Lifelessly On The Floor And He Saw The Computer Screen Which Read "To My Loving Wife.I Know You Are Surprised To Hear From Me,they Have Computer Here And We Are Allowed To Send Mails To Loved Ones.I've Just Been Checked In.How Are You And The Kids,this Place Is Really Nice But Am Lonely Here.I Have Made Necessary Arrangement For Your Arrival 2morrow.Expecting You And The Kids Darling.I Cant Wait To See You....The Boy Also Fainted.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-01-31 11:42:08

346 Views




So long as you have courage and a sense of humor, it is never too late to start life afresh.

~ Freeman DysonRelated

A man who was in need of job wrote several application letter and attached to each were his cv which he was to submit @diff company..... He went out one day n came bk very tired n hungry n he sent his son to buy him bean-cake 'Akara' n garri.....He was busy eating a piece of d akara when he discovered sumtyn on a familiar handwriting on the paper,he dropped d akara immediately n made his way to d room...he opened his locker n discovered his files n application letters were missing.... As he returned to d living-room he found his son on the chair with legs crossed busy with the akara n garri n d funniest part of it was dt he was singing..... It's our wk o..soft wk...If u were d father wat would u do?


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-11-04 09:21:44

526 Views




Trouble is :
1- when d person interviewing u @ ur job
interview is d guy u insulted in traffic. 4get d
job!!
2- when u tel ur friend, 'ur papa' nd u see
his/ha dad staring @ u.
3- when a mosquito lands on ur dad's bald
head nd u try 2 kil it wit ur bare hands. U
must provide proof or else...
4- when patience Ebele is your english
teacher jes b4 WAEC. Jes prepare 2 re-write
next year!.....
5- when u update “salary tins” on fb, nd ur
landlord comments “on point”. Bye bye 2 ur
salary!..
6- when u r in a bus nd u throw away
#1000 note instead of gala wrapper...
7- when u r ontop of a bike nd d okada man
is pinging, heaven(or hell) beckons....
8- when u jes finished eatin in an eatery nd
u find out u 4got ur wallet in a taxi. U go
wash plate tire...
9- when Usain Bolt chases u wit cutlass, dnt
bother running, jes beg!...
10- when u gif a begger #500 instead of
#50...
11- when u saw a snake in ur room nd u
went nd locked d door nd Nepa takes lite.
# lobatan!
12- Trouble is when u tel a chemist u want
sm condoms, nd u realize he iz ur pastor.
Omo u go b topic 4 discussion next
Sunday.....


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-05-07 10:20:14

424 Views




Juliet told christy that she needed to speak to
her privately. Christy agreed and they left to
another place.” i am glad you guys are
excited” she said to juliet. ” yes we are and
thanks to you” juliet responded. I am seven
years now and i am so excited.” christy said
and laughed ” wait here, i will back shortly”
juliet excused her.

Ishmeal realised christy was
standing alone and he needed to do what
he was told. He went to christy without her
knowledge. Christy was actually singing to
herself when ish went close to her.
“happy birthday Tiana” he said in a low tone.
Christy stood still and kept mute. She turned
and saw ishmeal. She gave him the ‘so what’
look. She smiled wide at him and turned to
her previous composure. ” i am sorry” ish
uttered. Christy began to laugh asif she had
heard something wierd. ” for seven good
years of my life, no one has ever slapped me
before. Not even my mother. I keep quiet
when you are talking to me because i dont
want to take out my anger on you. And it will
be best if you keep your distance, if not, you
will hate me more than you did MR.” christy
said to him and left.
.
.
.
.
.

The party ended without ish being able to sort
things out with christiana. It was monday
morning and achimota junior high was lively
once again. All the kids were dressed in their
uniforms. Ishmeal went to juliets house to wait
for her. ” do you know the time she wil be
leaving today?” he asked his companion
when they were on their way to the school. ”
3pm, why ?do you want to see her before she
leaves” juliets asked him back. ” yes, i dont
want her to leave with hatred in her heart.
The hatred i once felt.” he answered. ” my
parents wants to thank her for the money she
gave to me. So we can go together after
school.” juliet suggested. ” i am sorry but i
have to be on my way as soon as i can.
Besides we close at the same time” he said in
a serious manner. Ish wasnt himself the whole
day. Besides it was clean up and he wished
he could stay back at home. Fortunately for
him, it was 3pm and it was closing. He ran to
juliet to inform her that he was leaving.. ” tell
her to wait for me when you meet her!” juliet
shouted after him. Ishmeal out of haste, hit a
stone with his foot and fell heavily on the
ground. It was so serious that viewers were
frightened that something bad had
happened to him. Juliet looked away, she
couldnt watch him fall at that extent. He got
up in tears after several seconds and ran on.
Hhhm will this 9years little rascal get what he
wants? Episode 11 is next

>>

Me Sick [Read it]


Chinese man rings boss “ME no work I sick”
Boss says “When I am sick I go bed with my wife, have fun and become well. Try
that”
2 hours later chinese man rings back
“Me better, you got nice house''
.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2016-06-04 23:13:55

1070 Views




A man saw a poster inviting interested villagers to appear during the traditional marriage that will be held by the movie industry. Its a movie marriage.
The man thought of making money that day since there will be a lot of money spraying. So he went to Akpos the shoemaker and said "Please can you design a shoe that can magnet money for me?"
Akpos smiled and replied "Yes! But it will cost you just 5,000 Naira". He paid and left.
On that day, the man appeared at the movie scene with his customized shoe.
Not too long, some group of men acting as multi millionaire stood up and started spraying their dollars on the couple.
As the man sighted the dollars, he shouted "double blessing!".
He took style and match the first dollar but it didn't magnet. He changed position and match another one but no show. He became frustrated and was matching and matching but nothing is happening.
As he turned to his left, he saw Akpos matching the dollars seriously with extra large shoe.
The man said to Akpos "You duped me". Akpos replied with a low voice "Na only you see the poster"
Hahahaha
Don't laugh too much because Akpos was arrested in the bank for coming to change fake dollars.


NAIRAJOKES.COM







2015-08-19 22:26:14

35374 Views



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