#Adult Jokes Hashtag:
While out one mornin …. [Read it]
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball. Seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.
A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. “What’s that?” she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
“Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply.
“Oh,” said the girl sympathetically, “that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once.”Related
There’s a few guys w …. [Read it]
There’s a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work for a drink.
One Friday, Jeff showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp… Then he turned to Bob and said, “Times are getting tough my friend, I mean, just today my wife told me that she’s going to cut me back to only two times a week… I can’t believe it.”
At which point Bob put his hand on Jeff’s shoulder and said reassuringly, “You think you’ve got it bad, she’s cut some guys out all together”Related
Once there was this …. [Read it]
Once there was this city boy who wanted to go country, so he headed out to a farm to buy some animals.
“I`ll take one of these,” he said to the farmer.
“What is it?”
Well, to me it`s a cock, but to you it`s a rooster,” said the farmer.
“I`ll take one of these, too,” said the city boy.
“What is it?”
“Well, to me it`s a pullet, but to you it`s a chicken,” replied the farmer.
“Okay,” said the city boy. “And I`ll take one of those, too, if you`ll tell me what it is.”
“To me it`s an ass, but to you it`s a mule,” explained the farmer, “and when that ass gets stubborn, it sits down and you have to scratch its belly to get it moving again.”
So the city boy set off down the road with all his new purchases. He was doing fine till a pretty girl drove by, at which point the ass sat down and refused to budge.
Seeing he as having some trouble, the girl backed up and asked if there was anything she could do to help.
“Actually, yes,” said the city boy. “Will you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?”Related
Man 1: I am getting …. [Read it]
Man 1: I am getting married. How would I know if my wife is a virgin?
Man 2: Get an ‘Irish Virginity Test’ Kit.
Man 1: What’s that?
Man 2: It contains a small can of Red paint, a small can of Blue paint and a Hammer.
Man 1: That sounds crazy! How can virginity be tested with that?
Man 2: Paint your right ball Red and left ball Blue… and as you remove your underwear, if your wife says, ‘that’s the strangest pair of balls I’ve ever seen, hit her on her head with the hammer !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Related
A father and his thr …. [Read it]
A father and his three beautiful blonde daughters went into a hotel to stay for the night. When the daughters went to check in, they saw a really good looking bell boy. The father caught the three girls looking at him and he threatened to kill the bell boy if he did anything at all with them. So the bell boy minded his own business and ignored the girls.
While he was working ever so diligently, the eldest daughter goes up to him and says,
“If you don`t do it with me in bed, I will pour red juice on the sheets of my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry.”
Fearing for his life, he did it with her. Then he saw the beautiful middle daughter in the hallway and she too walked over to him and said,
“If you don`t do it with me, I`ll pour red juice on my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry.”
Again fearing for his life, he agreed. Later that evening the youngest blonde daughter saw him. She walked up to him and said,
“If you don`t have sex with me, I`ll pour green juice all over the bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry.”
“Green juice?” He asked, “Why Green?”
She replied, “Because my cherry is not ripe yet, duh.”Related
A young woman was im …. [Read it]
A young woman was impressed by the massive Texan in the bar.
“Pardon me, sir, but can I ask about the measurements of your chest. I am amazed.”
“Well, thank you, ma’am. It’s 33 inches.”
“No, ma’am. Through.”
“Well, then, sir. What about your waist?”
“It’s 28 inches.”
“No, ma’am. Through.”
“Well, then. One last question. What about the size of your manhood.”
“You see, ma’am. It’s 3 inches!”
“Wow,” said the woman. “Through?!”
“Oh, no, Ma’am. From the floor!!!Related
Bill Clinton and Al …. [Read it]
Bill Clinton and Al Gore were riding down a country road. Bill happened to look out the window and seen a goat with his head stuck in the fence. Bill hollers at the driver to stop the car. As the car stops Bill leans over and tells Al that he would be right back and then jumps out of the car. He runs up to the goat, drops his pants, and screws the goat for about ten minutes. As Bill walks back to the limo, he sees Al staring at the goat.
Al asks, “That looks like fun, can I try?”
Bill said sure and Al jumped out of the limo, dropped his pants, and stuck his head into the fence.Related
What would you do if …. [Read it]
What would you do if u were this lady?
Lady: Hi, good afternoon.
Radio Station: Good afternoon, what can we do for you?
Lady: Please, I’ll like to get two tickets for the Maroon5 LIVE show this weekend.
Radio Station: Well, you’ll get the tickets for free only if you play a prank on someone on air & make them believe it.
Lady: That’s ok.
Radio Station: Are you married? Do you have kids?
Lady: Yes, I have a son.
Radio Station: Good, you will call your husband & tell him he is not the father of ur son.
Lady: Wow, that’s a big one.
Radio Station: Well it depends on how bad you want the tickets and anyway we will be live on air listening and step in to tell him it’s all prank.
Lady: Ok, let’s do this ’cause I really want the tickets.
Radio Station: Ok, where is he right now?
Lady: He’s at the office. His number is…
(Radio station calls the husband)
Lady: Hello Love!
Husband: Hi Baby!
Lady: How is work?
Husband: Good, can’t wait to get back home & make sweet love to you.
Lady: Me too! But em… there’s something I need to tell you.
Husband: Ok, I’m all ears dear!
Lady: You know I love you?
Husband: Yes I do!
Lady: And we promised to always be sincere to each other?
Husband: Yes we did, you’re starting to scare me dear, please, what’s this all about?
Lady: Something happened in my office Nine years ago.
Husband: What happened?
Lady: The annual x-mas party we had in the office 9 yrs ago I got drunk & had sex with a co-worker… em, you are not the father of our son.
Lady: I just felt you should know.
Husband: Are you crazy?
Lady: I’m sorry love, I just needed to get it off my chest.
Husband: I can’t believe this.
Lady: Am sorry love, please forgive me.
Husband: You want forgiveness? Ok you have to forgive this, I have been sleeping with your sister for the past 5yrs.
Radio Station: Oh God!
Lady: What did you just say?
Husband: You heard me, we just confessed our sins to each other. Is there someone there with you?
Radio Station: Sir, this is a prank & you are on air. We asked your wife to play a prank on you so you guys can get tickets to go watch the Maroon5 Live Show this weekend.
Husband: Oh shit!Related
Santa, who had been …. [Read it]
Santa, who had been away on an official trip in a small town, got a message from his company that his trip has been prolonged for an extra month.
He was already getting bored with the town. It seemed as if they rolled up the streets and turned out the lights by ten o’clock and over the course of the extra month he was getting very homesick. Finally, he gave in to temptation and visited the local brothel on the outskirts of town.
He entered and handed the madam thousand rupees and requested, “Can you give me the worst performing, most lethargic, disinterested whore in the house.”
The madam says, “Well yes, but for this kind of money, you can you can have the best we have if you like.”
“No, no,” says Santa, “you don’t understand, actually I’m not horny, I’m married and just homesick.”Related
A newly married coup …. [Read it]
A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon.
“Care to go upstairs and have a shag?” the husband asked.
“Shhhh!” said the bride, “All the neighbours will know what we`re about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we`ll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking Have you left the washing machine door open instead?”
So the following night, the husband asks, “I don`t suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?”
“No, I definitely shut it”, replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little amorous herself and she nudged her husband and said, “I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?”
“No thanks” said the husband, “It was only a small load and I`ve done it by hand.”Related
Santa and Banta meet …. [Read it]
Santa and Banta meet after many years. Banta asks Santa, “How have things been going?”
Santa speaking very slowly tells Banta, “I wa.aa..sss aaal.m.ooo.sst mmm.aa.rrr. ii.e.ddd”
Banta says in amazement, “Hey; you don`t stutter any more.”
Santa, ” Y..ee.sss, I ww..e..nn..ttt to a ddd.o.c.ttt.o.rrr. aa.n.ddd h.ee t.oo.l.dd mm.e t.h.aa.ttt i.ff I s.pp.e.a.kkk.. s.ll.o.w.ll.yyy I w.i.llll nn.o.tt sss.t.u.t.t.e.rrr
Banta congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.
Ww.e.lll mm..y fff.i..a.n.c.eee a.n.dd I ww.e.r.e ss.i..ttt..iinn.ggg onn h.err pp.o.rr.c.h aa.n.ddd tt.h.e ddd.o.gg w.a.sss sss.c.r.a.tt.c.hh.i.n.gg hh..i..ss bb.a.c.kk aa.n.dd I tto.o.l.dd h.e.rr tt.h.aaa.tt ww.h.e.nn w.eee aa.rr.e m.a.rrr.i.e.dd ss.h.ee c.aa.nn d.oo tt.h.a.tt f.o.rr mm.e aa.n.d ss.h..ee tt.h.r.e.w tt.h.e rrr.ii.n.gg i.nn m.y ff.a.c.e”
“Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?” asks Banta.”
Ww.e.lll I sss.p.e.a.kk ss.o sl.o.w.ll.y, tt.h.a.tt bb.y tt.h.e ttt.i.mm.e ss.h..e ll.ooo.kk.e.dd at tt.h.e dd.o.g, h.e ww.a.s ll.i.c.k.i.nn.gg hh.i.s bb.a.l.ll.ss.”Related
Ek ladki chemist sho …. [Read it]
Ek ladki chemist shop pe jati hai aur bolti hai: “Aapke pass 12 inch ka condom hai?”
Shopkeeper: “Haan hai, boliye kitne de dun?”
Ladki: “Arey nahin, nahin… Mujhe nahi chahiye par mera mobile number note kar lo.
Shopkeeper: “Vo Kyun, Main karunga iska?
Ladki: “Jo bhi ye condoms purchase kare usko mera mobile number de dena.”Related
Santa is standing, p …. [Read it]
Santa is standing, pissing into a fountain in the middle of town. A cop comes up to him and says “Stop that and put it away!”
Poor Santa shoves his dick into his pants and does up his zip. As the cop turns to go, the drunk Santa starts laughing
“Okay, what`s so funny?” asks the cop.
“Fooled you.” says Santa, “I put it away, but I didn`t stop.”Related
A lady’s Diary …. [Read it]
A lady’s Diary
DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP
DEAR DIARY: DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship — all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins.
Met the Captain today — seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 3
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck.
Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.
Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DEAR DIARY:DAY 4
Won $800 in the ship’s casino.
Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin.
Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne.
He asked me to stay the night but I declined.
Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 5
Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day.
Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. He really is charming.
Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined.
He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship.
I was shocked.
DEAR DIARY: DAY 6
Today I saved 1600 lives – Twice.
A man stops by a din …. [Read it]
A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee. The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner. The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty.
As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee. The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full.
After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him, “How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?”
The man says, “Two’s fine.”
She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup. “And cream?” she asks.
The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, “You wouldn’t dare!”Related
The wife of an older …. [Read it]
The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband’s um… little sailor can’t salute anymore.
She goes to her local doctor and explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for her.
The doctor thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says, “Listen, I don’t do this for everyone, but since your husband’s on his way out… Get this prescription, and put three drops in his milk before he goes to bed.”
The wife is very happy and thanks the doc profusely. Two weeks later, the doctor sees the woman and asks how it went.
The lady blushes, smiles and says, “Well I put thirty drops in his milk by accident, and well, we just need an antidote now to close the coffin.”Related
A couple were having …. [Read it]
A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn`t stand it any more. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.
So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.
“So, how much have you earned today?” the husband asked.
“Well”, the woman responded, “I`ve made one hundred dollars and fifty cents.”
“That`s strange”, the husband responded, “who gave you the fifty cents?”
Said the woman: “All of them, of course!”Related
The sheriff of a sma …. [Read it]
The sheriff of a small town pulled over the Governor in his Porsche who was driving 85 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone.
The adventurous Governor behind the wheel was steaming mad when he was stopped.
When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, “I can’t believe you stopped me! I am the Governor of this state! This town must be the butthole of the world!”
The magistrate looked at him and replied, “And you must be what’s passing through.”Related
Little Johnny is vis …. [Read it]
Little Johnny is visiting his Granddad on the farm.
He races into the farmhouse and yells excitedly to his Granddad: “Hey Granddad, the bull is fucking the cow.”
Granddad informs Johnny that he won’t tolerate this sort of playground language on his farm and that in future if Johnny wants to inform him about such things he should say something like: “Granddad the bull is surprising the cow.”
A few weeks later Johnny is again visiting the farm. Once again he comes racing in and yells: “Granddad the bull is surprising the cows.”
Granddad says to Johnny: “I’m pleased to hear that after my with you a few weeks ago you have cleaned up your language. However, your grammar is not quite correct. It is not ‘The bull is surprising the cows,’ it’s ‘The bull is surprising the cow.’ The bull can only surprise one cow at a time.”
Johnny replies: “No Granddad, the bull is surprising all the cows because he’s fucking the horse.”Related
The funeral parlor c …. [Read it]
The funeral parlor called the 85 year old widow to tell her that her 90 year old husband had died with such a massive erection that he could not close the lid of the coffin. He had never seen such seen such a big pecker.
Well she said, “Cut it off as close to his body as you can then put it up his ass”.
The next day the whole family arrived at the funeral home to pay their respects and the widow knelt down near her departed husband and noticed there was a tear coming down his cheek.
She leaned over and whispered in his ear, “I told you it hurt you old fucker!”Related
Two brothers have a …. [Read it]
Two brothers have a lifelong dream to immigrate to America. They work hard and save their money. After many years, they have saved enough money and finally emigrate into New York.
Before they begin building their new lives in America, they decide to see some of the famous places they dreamed of for so long; the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, the Rockettes, and others. Eventually, they make their way to Coney Island.
As they stroll down the beach, taking in all the newness of America, they see a very large billboard that reads: “HOT DOGS,” with a big arrow pointing down to a little hot dog stand. Being hungry and seeing that having an American hot dog would be something new, they decide to try one. So they order two hot dogs and sit on a nearby bench to enjoy another piece of Americana.
The first brother sets his hot dog in his lap, unfolds the paper wrapper, looks at his hot dog for a moment, and suddenly wraps it back up.
He then turns to his brother and says, “What part of the dog did you get?”Related
Danny discovers his …. [Read it]
Danny discovers his wife is cheating with another guy, so he goes to the guy’s wife and tells her about it.
“I know what we will do,” she says. “Let’s take revenge on them.”
So they go to a motel and take revenge.
After 10 mins, she says, “Let’s take more revenge,” and they take revenge again.
So like this, they kept taking more & more revenge…
After 5 times, Danny was lying spent, and she said, “Lets take revenge again.”
Danny said,”I cant… I have no more hard feelings left !!!!”Related
Poor Mildred was a 9 …. [Read it]
Poor Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
“On a woman,” the doctor said, “your heart would be just below your left breast.”
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.Related
Once Winston Churchi …. [Read it]
Once Winston Churchill was delivering a lecture. During his speech, a beautiful lady stood up and asked Churchill a question. Having no appropriate answer to give, he sat down. Another gentleman reminded Churchill that he hadn`t answered her question. Promptly came the reply from Churchill,
“When skirts go up pants go down.”Related
A 300 Kg man walks i …. [Read it]
A 300 Kg man walks into a doctor`s office. This doctor is known for his unusual but effective methods. The man says, “Doctor you must help me. I have tried everything. I just cannot lose this weight.”
The doctor hesitates for a minute. He finally looks up and says, “The only thing I can do is to sew your mouth shut and teach you to eat from your butt.”
The man agrees. He returns one week later to have the procedure. Six months pass and the patient returns to have the stitches out.
The doctor says, “Now return to me in 1 month for a post-op checkup.”
The patient agrees and loses an astonishing 100 kg. One month later, the patient returns for his post-op checkup. As the patient sits down in the chair, the doctor notices the man is twitching his butt up and down. He lets it go and continues his examination. After one hour of watching this man twitch his butt, the doctor can`t take it anymore.
He finally says, “Mr. Charles. I have concluded that you have a nervous tick in your butt as a result of your operation.”
The man thinks, laughs out loud and says, “Doc, that ain`t no twitch. I`m chewing gum. Wanna see me blow a bubble?”Related
Once upon a time the …. [Read it]
Once upon a time there was a king who had a beautiful daughter. One day a young prince from a nearby kingdom came by for a visit. That night, after everyone had gone to bed, the prince snuck out of his room and entered the princess’ room.
She said, “What are you doing in my room? Leave immediately or I will call my father!”
The Prince said, “Don’t be frightened. I am not going to hurt you. You are so beautiful. I just want to kiss you and hold you.”
He kissed her lips and here and there and everywhere. Soon he had gone where no man had gone before. Soon they were enthusiastically doing what comes natural. After he finished, he rolled over and relaxed.
She said, “Wow! That was fun. Let’s do it again.”
He climbed back in the saddle for seconds. Then again rolled over and relaxed.
She said, “That was so good. We have to do it again.”
He wasn’t very enthusiastic, but he did managed to rise again to the occasion. He then rolled over and again tried to relax.
She said, “Come on, let’s do it again.”
The prince said, “Leave me alone or I will call your father.”Related
A young dating coupl …. [Read it]
A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate. So they decided to pull over and park and have some fun.
Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside.
All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window. The cop could hardly contain himself.
“Didn’t you know that you are not supposed to be having sex in public?” he asked the couple.
Being embarrassed by being caught, said yes and apologized.
“Well,” he said, “I will have to write you a ticket.”
So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behavior. After getting dressed the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for.
He responded, “Doing 69 in a 35 mph speed zone!”Related
A farmer had 3 lovel …. [Read it]
A farmer had 3 lovely daughters, all who had dates on Friday night. One by one the local boys came by to pick them up.
The first boy arrived and said: “Hi, I`m Eddie, I`m here for Betty, we`re going steady, is she ready?”
The farmer called Betty and she and Eddie went on their way.
The second boy arrived and said: “Hi, I`m Joe, I`m here for Flo, we`re going to the show, is she ready to go?”
The farmer called Flo and she and Joe went on their way.
The third boy arrived in an old beat up pickup, came to the door and said: “Hi, I`m Chuck”
The farmer shot him.Related
1) You can GET choco …. [Read it]
1) You can GET chocolate.
2) “If you love me you`ll swallow that” has real meaning with chocolate.
3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won`t mind.
8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9) The word “commitment” doesn`t scare off chocolate.
10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped. 12) You don`t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13) With chocolate there`s no need to fake it.
14) Chocolate doesn`t make you pregnant.
15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16) Good chocolate is easy to find.
17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20) With chocolate size doesn`t matter.Related
A little boy and his …. [Read it]
A little boy and his Uncle Banta are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, “Uncle, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”
Banta replies, “I`ll bet you fifty rupees, you can`t. It`s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.
Banta hands the little boy fifty rupees, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, Banta comes back out and hands the little boy another fifty rupees.
The little boy says, “Uncle, you already gave me fifty rupees.”
Banta replies, “I know. That`s from your aunt.”Related
I got chatting with …. [Read it]
I got chatting with a girl in a bar, “Can I buy you a drink?” I asked.
“Have you not got a girlfriend?” she replied, “Guys like you always have girlfriends.
“No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago,” I assured her.
“Oh I’m sorry to hear that,” she said, “Go on then, I’ll have a white wine please.”
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.
While I was putting my clothes back on she said, “So, you’re good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?”
I said, “My wife found out.”Related
A guy is in the bath …. [Read it]
A guy is in the bathroom taking a piss when this huge man walks in and starts pissing in the urinal next to him.
The guy just happens to look over and see the other guy`s dick is huge.
Then he walks over and says, “Hey man I’m not gay or anything but what is your name? Because you have the biggest dick I have ever seen!”
The big guy says, “Well thanks man. My name is Ben Rover.”
Then the guy passes out.
When he wakes up he says, “Whats your name again”
“Well it’s Ben Rover,” the big guy says!
Oh what a releif I thought you said ‘bend over’.Related
On summer vacation, …. [Read it]
On summer vacation, Jaime and her son, Andy, went to visit Jaime’s Uncle George who owned a nice farm. While there, Uncle George was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four-year-old Great Nephew, Andy, standing at the fence, wide-eyed and soaking in the whole event.
Uncle George thought to himself: “Great, now I’m gonna have to explain the ‘birds and bees’ to him. Well, no need to jump the gun. I’ll just wait and see if he has any questions, and I’ll just answer them as best I can.”
After he finished helping the cow with her birthing, he walked over to Andy and asked him, “Do you have any questions about what you seen here tonight?”
“Just one,” the little boy whispered, eyes still wide with wonder. “How fast was that calf going when he hit the cow?”Related
The old couple were …. [Read it]
The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary.
The old woman said, “We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon.”
“Uh huh,” said the old man.
We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon,” said the old woman.
“Uh huh,” said the old man.
And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon,” said the old woman.
“That`s right,” said the old man, “except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, `It`s too big, it`s too big!`”Related
One day, when Johnni …. [Read it]
One day, when Johnnie came home from school, his mom asked him how his day went.
He said, “We’re learning about sexual education.”
She smiled, and said, “At least he’s learning something useful.”
Johnnie went up to his room. A little later, Johnnie’s mom went up to his room to call him for dinner. She opens his door and sees him playing with himself.
She says, “Johnnie, when you’re done with your homework, supper’s on the table.”Related
A mother in law said …. [Read it]
A mother in law said to her son’s wife when their baby was born, “I don’t mean to be rude but he doesn’t look anything like my son.” The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said,
“I don’t mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy,
not a fucking photo-copier.”Related
Sarena: Hi! How are …. [Read it]
Sarena: Hi! How are you?
Romalda: Fine. But I think I have a sore throat.
Sarena: I know what to do. Every time when I have a sore throat I’m having an oral sex with my husband and it helps me!
Romalda: The great idea, I will try…
>>On the second day:
Sarena: Well, how do you feel? Did it help?
Romalda: Yes, thank you very much, my throat is all right. But your husband couldn’t believe that it was your idea!Related
A family is at the d …. [Read it]
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:
In her 20’s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30’s to 40’s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions’.
‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, ‘Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?’
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through three phases:
In his 20’s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30’s and 40’s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50’s, it is like a Christmas Tree.’
‘A Christmas tree?’
‘Yes – the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.’Related
Little Johnny and Ju …. [Read it]
Little Johnny and Julie are only 12 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Julie’s father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, “Mr. Smith, me and Julie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?”
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies, “In Julie’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”
Still thinking this is just adorable; Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Julie.”
Again, Johnny instantly replies, “Our allowance…Julie makes 10 bucks a week and I make 20 bucks a week. That’s about 120 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine.”
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won’t have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says, “Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?”
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far…”Related
The Student to the S …. [Read it]
The Student to the Sex Researcher, “In my case,” said the student to the sex researcher, “when I get it part way in, my vision blurs. And when it’s all the way in, I can’t see a thing.”
“Now, that’s an most interesting optical reaction, that may well have anatomical as well as physiological basis.” the researcher replied. “If you don’t mind young man, I should like to have a look at it.”
So, the student volunteer shrugged and stuck out his tongue.Related