#Jokes Hashtag:


After 15 years of marriage the wife asked her husband to describe her.


The husband looked at her slowly and without blinking an eye, said, “ABCDEFGHIJK.”


“What does that mean?” She asked.


“Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fashionable, Gorgeous and Hot!!!” he replied.


Wife Smiling asked, “So sweet of you honey. What about IJK?”


He replied, “I’m Just Kidding!”Related

Our Bed !!! [Read it]


At a small parish in rural England there lived a priest, and several nuns. One day, one of the older nuns was noticing that the rugs in the church were beginning to fray.
She went to the priest and told him, “Father, I believe your rugs need to be replaced soon.”
The priest thanked her for bringing it to his attention, and told her that he thought that she had been there long enough to refer to church property as ‘our’ not ‘your.’
Several days later, the same nun noticed that the hedge needed to be trimmed.
She again went to the priest and told him, “Father, I’ve noticed that your…I mean our hedge needs to be trimmed.”
The priest thanked her for again bringing something to his attention and this time asked her if she had seen his watch that had gone missing. She said she hadn’t, but assured him she would look for it.
A few days later the parish received word that the bishop would be coming for a visit. The entire parish was busy readying the church for the visit.
On the day the bishop arrived, the same nun came down the front stairs yelling, “Father! Father! I found your watch!”
The bishop said, “How wonderful my child. Where did you find it?”
After saying hello to the bishop, the nun turned to the priest and said, “I found it under OUR bed.”tempRelated

Kanjoos(Miser) lawyer working in UK wrote to his wife in India .Dear Sunita Darling,I can’t send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected my Company’s performance, so I am sending 100 kisses.You are my sweetheart, please understand and adjust with this situation.Your loving husband,TunaHis wife replied..TINKU KE PAPPA,
Thanks for the 100 kisses.Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses…1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month’s milk.2. The electricity man, Kooldip Singh, agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.3. Your landlord Kapal Singh comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the monthly rent.4. Supermarket owner Jaswant Singh did not accept kisses only, so I gave him other items, I hope you understand.5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.Please don’t worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses andI hope I can survive the month using this balance.Shall I plan the same for the next month?Your Sweet Heart,SunitaRelated

Confession! [Read it]


A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
“You will understand,” he said, “the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss’s wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people.”
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession.”Related

Full Bed Bath [Read it]


The nursing student, on her first rotation in the ICU, had to give a patient a full bed bath. She had never given one before and was terribly nervous about it.To make matters worse, the patient was a gentleman in his late sixties who had been admitted after a heart attack. As se nervously set her equipment up, she confessed to the patient that she had never given a full bed bath before.“I’ll tell you what,” he said, “how about if you wash as far down as possible, and as far up as possible, and then I’ll wash possible?”Related

Motion Sickness [Read it]


Santa and Banta are discussing the possibility of love. “I thought I was in love three times,” Santa says.
“Thought…?” Banta asks. “What do you mean?”
“Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me,” Santa says.
“Wasn’t that love?” Banta asks.
“No, that was obsession,” Santa explains. “Then two years ago, I cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn’t understand me.”
“Wasn’t that love?” asks Banta.
“No, that was lust,” Santa replies. “And just last year, I met a woman while I was on a cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great conversationalist and had a super sense of humor. Everywhere I followed her on that ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my stomach.”
“Well, wasn’t that love,” asks Banta.
“No. That was motion sickness!” Santa replies.Related

Safe cracker [Read it]


The local bank near a large prison had a problem opening their safe one day. Seems that the mechanisms working the combination failed, so they called the prison to seek help.
The prison had a convicted safe cracker in custody. They released him under guard and took him to the bank to see if he could open their safe.
The convict worked on the lock for quite a while but finally he was able to open the safe.
The bank president was delighted to see his safe opened without having to have it ruined in the process, he turned to the safe cracker and said, “Thanks for helping us out here, how much do we owe you?”
The safe cracker replied, “Well the last time I did one of these jobs I got about $100,000!”Related

Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Maine, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit.Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother’s delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on my way.A short time later, I was stopped by another trooper.“What have I done?” I asked.“Nothing,” the trooper said, smiling. “I heard you were passing out great chocolate-chip cookies.”Related

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.


After he finished, he headed to the kitchen to raid the refrigerator.


The wife comes home sooner than expected, and heads to the bathroom, sits down and gets the toilet seat stuck to her rear. She becomes upset and in a panic shouts to her husband to drive her to the doctor.


She puts on a large overcoat to cover the stuck seat, and off they go.


When they get to the doctor’s office, the man lifts his wife’s coat to show their predicament.


The man asked, “Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?”


“Well, yes.” the doctor replied. “But never framed.”Related

After Drinking:

Men talk unnecessarily,Become emotional,Drive badly,Stop thinking,Fight 4 nothing,…..



Women can do all dis without Drinking…!!!



Natural talent you know .. ????Related

The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house.


“You did a great job,” he said and handed the man a check. “Also, in order to thank you, here’s an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie.”


The painter thanked him and agreed to do that. Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter.


Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, “What’s the matter, did you forget something?”


“Nope,” replied the painter. “I’m a man of my word. I’m here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked.”Related

Kanjoos baap k bete ne kaha: Papa meri girfriend pregnant ho gayi hai. 50,000 mang rahi hai, CHUP rehne ke.


Kanjoos baap ne khamoshi se paise de diye.


2 mahine baad dusra beta bola: Meri girlfriend pregnant hai. 75,000 mang rahi hai, CHUP rehne ke.


Kanjoos baap ne ek baar phir khamoshi se paise de diye.


6 mahine baad Kanjoos ki kuwari beti boli: Papa, I am pregnant!


Kanjoos ne usko gale se lagaya aur maatha chum ke khushi se bola: Shabaash beti, ab paise lene ki baari hamari hai.Related

Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Maine, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit.Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother’s delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on my way.A short time later, I was stopped by another trooper.“What have I done?” I asked.“Nothing,” the trooper said, smiling. “I heard you were passing out great chocolate-chip cookies.”Related

Our Bed !!! [Read it]


At a small parish in rural England there lived a priest, and several nuns. One day, one of the older nuns was noticing that the rugs in the church were beginning to fray.
She went to the priest and told him, “Father, I believe your rugs need to be replaced soon.”
The priest thanked her for bringing it to his attention, and told her that he thought that she had been there long enough to refer to church property as ‘our’ not ‘your.’
Several days later, the same nun noticed that the hedge needed to be trimmed.
She again went to the priest and told him, “Father, I’ve noticed that your…I mean our hedge needs to be trimmed.”
The priest thanked her for again bringing something to his attention and this time asked her if she had seen his watch that had gone missing. She said she hadn’t, but assured him she would look for it.
A few days later the parish received word that the bishop would be coming for a visit. The entire parish was busy readying the church for the visit.
On the day the bishop arrived, the same nun came down the front stairs yelling, “Father! Father! I found your watch!”
The bishop said, “How wonderful my child. Where did you find it?”
After saying hello to the bishop, the nun turned to the priest and said, “I found it under OUR bed.”tempRelated

A cop pulls up Santa and Banta, drunk, and says to Santa, “What is your name and address ?”

“I am Santa, of no fixed address.”

The cop turns to Banta, and asks the same question.

“I am Banta, and I live in the flat above Santa.”Related

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”


The trembling monkey says, “You are, mighty lion!


Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, “Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?”


The terrified ox stammers, “Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!”


On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”


Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it’d been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.


The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, “Just because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so upset about it!”Related

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint
Peter tells him, “You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?”


Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a
blackboard and some chalk?”


Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk
instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane
mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.


Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really ARE Einstein!”
he says. “Welcome to heaven!”


The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks
for credentials.


Picasso asks, “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?”


Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.”


Picasso erases Einstein`s equations and sketches a truly
stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.


Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim
to be!” he says. “Come on in!”


Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint
Peter scratches his head and says, “Einstein and Picasso
both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove
yours?”


George W. looks bewildered and says, “Who are Einstein
and Picasso?”


Saint Peter sighs and says, “Come on in, George.”Related

With just a Single kiss on the Lips for 30sec,she Got Pregnant..!…..



…Who is she?….

.

.

.

.



.

.

.

.

.



.

..

.

.Balloon…Related

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.


The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.


“This guy must have screwed up the settings,” the off-duty officer thought.


A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets-each for not wearing a seat belt.Related

Confession! [Read it]


A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
“You will understand,” he said, “the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss’s wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people.”
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession.”Related

Santa went into a drug store and asked the pharmacist if he could give him something for hiccups.


Without warning, the pharmacist suddenly reached out and slapped Santa hard across the face.


“What did you do that for?” asked Santa indignantly.


“Well, you haven’t got hiccups any more, have you?”


“I haven’t got hiccups – my wife has!” replied Santa!Related

A little girl made a cup of tea for her mother.


“I didn’t know you could make tea,” said mum taking a sip.


“Yes, I boiled some water, added the tea leaves like you do, and then strained it into a cup. But I couldn’t find the strainer, so I used the fly swatter.”


“What!” exclaimed mum, choking on her tea.


“Oh, don’t worry. I didn’t use the new fly swatter. I used the old one.”Related

Dad:” Give me ur Mobile for a Minute..

.

.

Son:” Wait dad, Let me Switch it on..

.

Gf Pic delete, Gals Number list delete,

Phone call Received delete,

Delete, Delete, Delete,

Memory Card Format..

.

. Son:” Here it is..

.

Dad:” Thanx I Just want to see the time..

.

.

Son:” Daaaad.Related

When a woman discovered that she was pregnant, her four-year-old son overheard his parents’ conversation.


He didn’t say anything until a week later when a family friend asked him if he was excited about the prospect of a new brother or sister.


“Yes,” said the boy, “and I know what we’re going to name it. If it’s a girl, we’re going to call her Emily, and if it’s another boy we’re going to call it Quits.”Related

A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. “You see,” he explained, “my wife`s expecting.”

“Oh…” said the Officer, “I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck.”

The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: “My wife`s expecting.”

The Officer looked surprised. “Still expecting?” he said, “Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the week-end off.”

When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. “Don`t tell me your wife is still expecting!” he bellowed.

“Yes sir!” said the soldier resolutely, “She`s still expecting.”

“What in heaven is she expecting?” cried the Officer.

“Me.” said the soldier simply.Related

Full Bed Bath [Read it]


The nursing student, on her first rotation in the ICU, had to give a patient a full bed bath. She had never given one before and was terribly nervous about it.To make matters worse, the patient was a gentleman in his late sixties who had been admitted after a heart attack. As se nervously set her equipment up, she confessed to the patient that she had never given a full bed bath before.“I’ll tell you what,” he said, “how about if you wash as far down as possible, and as far up as possible, and then I’ll wash possible?”Related

Safe cracker [Read it]


The local bank near a large prison had a problem opening their safe one day. Seems that the mechanisms working the combination failed, so they called the prison to seek help.
The prison had a convicted safe cracker in custody. They released him under guard and took him to the bank to see if he could open their safe.
The convict worked on the lock for quite a while but finally he was able to open the safe.
The bank president was delighted to see his safe opened without having to have it ruined in the process, he turned to the safe cracker and said, “Thanks for helping us out here, how much do we owe you?”
The safe cracker replied, “Well the last time I did one of these jobs I got about $100,000!”Related

Motion Sickness [Read it]


Santa and Banta are discussing the possibility of love. “I thought I was in love three times,” Santa says.
“Thought…?” Banta asks. “What do you mean?”
“Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me,” Santa says.
“Wasn’t that love?” Banta asks.
“No, that was obsession,” Santa explains. “Then two years ago, I cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn’t understand me.”
“Wasn’t that love?” asks Banta.
“No, that was lust,” Santa replies. “And just last year, I met a woman while I was on a cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great conversationalist and had a super sense of humor. Everywhere I followed her on that ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my stomach.”
“Well, wasn’t that love,” asks Banta.
“No. That was motion sickness!” Santa replies.Related

Our Bed !!! [Read it]


At a small parish in rural England there lived a priest, and several nuns. One day, one of the older nuns was noticing that the rugs in the church were beginning to fray.
She went to the priest and told him, “Father, I believe your rugs need to be replaced soon.”
The priest thanked her for bringing it to his attention, and told her that he thought that she had been there long enough to refer to church property as ‘our’ not ‘your.’
Several days later, the same nun noticed that the hedge needed to be trimmed.
She again went to the priest and told him, “Father, I’ve noticed that your…I mean our hedge needs to be trimmed.”
The priest thanked her for again bringing something to his attention and this time asked her if she had seen his watch that had gone missing. She said she hadn’t, but assured him she would look for it.
A few days later the parish received word that the bishop would be coming for a visit. The entire parish was busy readying the church for the visit.
On the day the bishop arrived, the same nun came down the front stairs yelling, “Father! Father! I found your watch!”
The bishop said, “How wonderful my child. Where did you find it?”
After saying hello to the bishop, the nun turned to the priest and said, “I found it under OUR bed.”tempRelated

Safe cracker [Read it]


The local bank near a large prison had a problem opening their safe one day. Seems that the mechanisms working the combination failed, so they called the prison to seek help.
The prison had a convicted safe cracker in custody. They released him under guard and took him to the bank to see if he could open their safe.
The convict worked on the lock for quite a while but finally he was able to open the safe.
The bank president was delighted to see his safe opened without having to have it ruined in the process, he turned to the safe cracker and said, “Thanks for helping us out here, how much do we owe you?”
The safe cracker replied, “Well the last time I did one of these jobs I got about $100,000!”Related

The Sultan of a great city was annoyed by the cheats and liars who entered his gates and caused trouble. He therefore set soldiers at all entrances. The soldiers were under orders to hang those who lied about their purpose for wishing to enter.


The Mulla Nasruddin saddled his donkey and rode to the city.


At the gate a guard stopped him and asked his purpose in wishing to enter and warned him that a lie would result in his being hanged.


“This is good for I have come to be hanged.” said Nasruddin.


“You are a liar and will certainly hang!” said the guard


“Then you know I have spoken the truth and should not be hanged.” said Nasruddin.Related

Full Bed Bath [Read it]


The nursing student, on her first rotation in the ICU, had to give a patient a full bed bath. She had never given one before and was terribly nervous about it.To make matters worse, the patient was a gentleman in his late sixties who had been admitted after a heart attack. As se nervously set her equipment up, she confessed to the patient that she had never given a full bed bath before.“I’ll tell you what,” he said, “how about if you wash as far down as possible, and as far up as possible, and then I’ll wash possible?”Related

Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Maine, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit.Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother’s delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on my way.A short time later, I was stopped by another trooper.“What have I done?” I asked.“Nothing,” the trooper said, smiling. “I heard you were passing out great chocolate-chip cookies.”Related

Motion Sickness [Read it]


Santa and Banta are discussing the possibility of love. “I thought I was in love three times,” Santa says.
“Thought…?” Banta asks. “What do you mean?”
“Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me,” Santa says.
“Wasn’t that love?” Banta asks.
“No, that was obsession,” Santa explains. “Then two years ago, I cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn’t understand me.”
“Wasn’t that love?” asks Banta.
“No, that was lust,” Santa replies. “And just last year, I met a woman while I was on a cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great conversationalist and had a super sense of humor. Everywhere I followed her on that ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my stomach.”
“Well, wasn’t that love,” asks Banta.
“No. That was motion sickness!” Santa replies.Related

Motion Sickness [Read it]


Santa and Banta are discussing the possibility of love. “I thought I was in love three times,” Santa says.
“Thought…?” Banta asks. “What do you mean?”
“Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me,” Santa says.
“Wasn’t that love?” Banta asks.
“No, that was obsession,” Santa explains. “Then two years ago, I cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn’t understand me.”
“Wasn’t that love?” asks Banta.
“No, that was lust,” Santa replies. “And just last year, I met a woman while I was on a cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great conversationalist and had a super sense of humor. Everywhere I followed her on that ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my stomach.”
“Well, wasn’t that love,” asks Banta.
“No. That was motion sickness!” Santa replies.Related

Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Maine, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit.Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother’s delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on my way.A short time later, I was stopped by another trooper.“What have I done?” I asked.“Nothing,” the trooper said, smiling. “I heard you were passing out great chocolate-chip cookies.”Related

Confession! [Read it]


A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
“You will understand,” he said, “the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss’s wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people.”
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession.”Related

In a Nursery School Canteen, there was a basket of Apples with a notice written over it: Do not take more than one, God is watching.

On the other counter there was a box of chocolates. A small child went & wrote on it: Take as many as u want, God is busy watching the Apples.

Moral: NEVER ACT SMART WITH today’s generation…!!!

————————————-

KID: Why some of your hairs are white, Dad?

DAD: Every time you make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white…

KID: Now I understand why Grandpa’s all hairs are white…

Moral: Don’t be over smart with today’s kids!

————————————-

Child: Mummy why Gandhiji had no hair on his head?

Mummy: Because he spoke truth only.

Child: Now I understood why ladies have long hairs…

The moral remains the same!Related

Words of Wisdom [Read it]


Whatever you give a woman, she will make it greater.If you give her a sperm, she’ll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.So, if you give her any aggravation, be ready to receive a ton of stuff in return.Related

The awkward moment when

everyone is talking during the class

but the teacher only hears your

voice. ????Related
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